The Sex Tax as Law

The passage of the bill was duly noted in the press and on TV, and the President’s signing also recorded, but nothing in the stories that day indicated in any way the significance of the measure. As with all watershed events of history, the true implications were not immediately visible. One should, of course, expect that taxation measures will have a profound significance in human affairs. Consider the tuppence tax that launched the Boston Tea Party and the ensuing war for independence. One makes a great mistake if he does not consider a tax measure as among the most important of human events, excepting, of course, the technological breakthroughs, which are usually unheralded and certainly unrewarding to their inventors.

In this chapter the pronounced effect of the sex tax on society will be studied. One asks, must all political events be painful? Must all watersheds be bloodbaths? The answer is no. The Sex Tax stands as evidence. Here social change sneaked up on mankind, and, in the quiet of the night and quiet of the bedroom, wrought great changes in society without pain. Perhaps this happened for the first time in the history of mankind-man, that vicious animal who values everything in terms of how many lives were paid for progress.

Lenin notwithstanding, no eggs were cracked to make this omelet. Mankind was ready for a rest. Three decades from the Second World War had produced not peace but a series of painful small conflicts that disturbed progress but did not qualify for the appellation of war. Yet the sense of being at peace was not present. People became accustomed to the cold war, but the benefits of true peace eluded them. Eluded them not only obviously, but eluded them psychologically. The tension was there; it can be demonstrated in an analysis of medical records, in an analysis of political struggles. It is evident even in the battles of consumerists and environmentalists. But let's not get ahead of ourselves; these facts will surface shortly.

The important event was the passage and signing into law of the Sex Tax bill. With that law society's whole condition changed. Subtly, yes, of course. No one noticed it. The social scientists, acute masters of statistics et al., completely missed the change. The press, noted for detecting such things, noted for predicting recessions correctly nine times out of six, missed it. Indeed it was a subtle change.

With the coming of the Sex Tax, in each and every household it was realized that here was a way to get something extra from your tax dollar. Men began to proposition their wives more often, and the feminist revolution had made women more cognizant of the benefits of the sexual act. Enjoy, enjoy. This coincidence of two major political movements combined with the scientific discoveries that made conception optional led to the greatest bedroom revolution of all time. Not since the end of the Etruscan women's sex strike had there been such avidity.

It would be crude to dwell upon the details of the bedroom revolution. Recent writers have made a fortune in endlessly repeating, for the prurient reader, details of the sex act. To the inexperienced this can only, be titillating and perhaps inviting, but, in such a serious exposition as this, such a recital has no legitimate place.

Let us instead consider the societal effects of the Sex Tax bill, which proved in the long run to be of far greater importance. For society is a colligative affair. Although the individual does not matter, at least in the statistical sense, the sum of all actions, whether discovered by Gallup or not, is important.

With the passage, signing, and implementation of the Sex Tax bill, close to the end of the year, the Internal Revenue Service, by dint of extraordinary efforts, was able to include in its 1040 form a provision for the Sex Tax. This effort was not lost upon the male half of the married population. The new form was now 1040 SX.

Those who filed early were the first to realize the advantages of their consortium, taxwise, that is. The laggards by April 15 also learned. Here was the first legal chance to beat the tax.

There were many of the wealthier class who, with advice and aid of counsel, had been able to avoid taxes. And there were many who with the H&R tax book tried to avoid taxation, but here was the first real opportunity for all to gain from their taxes.

The opportunity was not lost upon Americans, those most vigorous exponents of free enterprise. Mama was banged to a fare-thee-well, but she loved it. Even the average American male was able to sense that a flat-rate tax meant that the average cost of intercourse went down with frequency. Pay his taxes he must, but, the benefits to be derived therefrom could be increased in his favor. This was not possible for taxes expended for military protection, for welfare or whatever, but here was something Mr. Average could affect. He could bring his tax rate down and he was assiduous in doing it. Assiduous-we omit the obvious pun.

The fact is that Mama was totally in concurrence. Aroused by feminist literature, she expected intercourse at least once a night and five orgasms at that. She was perfectly willing to collect his debt in the morning.

The coincidence of her desires with his in hoping to reduce his tax burden was incredible, a pregnant situation if we let our imaginations run. But let's be serious. What really did happen?

Within weeks of the signing of the Sex Tax into law, the average American began to change his ways. He significantly modified his life-style. Statistical surveys showed that movie attendance dropped. Bars began to notice a decrease in business, particularly after ten, patrons refusing that one for the road, preferring one for the bed.

More important was the phenomenon of laborers reporting for work ahead of time, eager to begin the job. Productivity rose. With productivity came profits, and the Treasury began to collect an amazing amount of money.

One would expect that, with the increased receipts, there would be many in Congress who had ideas of how to spend it. This did not happen. The subtle effect was working its magic on the congressmen as well. More Washington hostesses were being refused; the excuse was "the demands of business." The truth was more like the business of demands.

Somehow, the bills of expenditure for welfare et al. were not forthcoming, so in panic the Ways and Means Committee proposed a tax cut. The bill raced through Congress and was signed. Indeed a second cut was in the offing at the end of that congressional term.

In just a few years the income tax disappeared entirely. The regressive nature of the Sex Tax was entirely forgotten as it became apparent that wealth lay on the side of youth. (Please pardon the use of the word lay.) It is important to note that the tax structure of the U.S. was changed entirely. No more graduated income tax, just a single fee for all who enjoyed the benefits of consortium.

The disappearance of tax advisers and accountants should perhaps be mourned, but we cannot here find it in our heart to be sympathetic; society had too long suffered from these lechers. Let it suffice to record their demise. The IRS dispatched most of its staff, and the departmental bloodletting was something to behold.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics noted the IRS layoffs and their entrance into the class of the unemployed. It recorded their unanimous presence on welfare for many months thereafter. Nobody wanted them and they remained objects of pity for some years. Their presence served to restrict the entering class of business majors throughout the land. The benefits of this were obvious.

But we digress, as we have so often. Let us return to the mainstream, since it is so statistically important. Here is where the profound changes were wrought. Despite the many predictions to the contrary, the hip pocket nerve was sensitive. The male, most conscious that he was being taxed, responded with alacrity. The sexual fantasies so frequently indulged in, the vain desires for Fawcett-Majors as a bed partner were forgotten. Mama was present, a veritable tax dodge. Papa was taking no chances of losing his tax money. He could reduce his tax rate to zero by an infinity of intercourse; well, anyway HE WOULD DO THE BEST HE COULD.

This spirit pervaded America. The results, though predictable, were not predicted. Productivity increased immensely, Tax rates were adjusted downwards. From 40% they fell to a negligible amount. The "good ole days" had returned. America bloomed.

Neighbors leaving for the commuter trains spoke to each other. Secretaries were faced with satisfied businessmen in their offices. Sex didn't work; they had to get to it with the typing. The three-martini lunch was out; projects moved forward with expected speed. The gross national product went up; the deflated gross national product went up, too. As the productivity went up, the tax rate went down. The national debt was paid off.

And so the nation entered 1984, not as Orwell predicted, but happy and content. Those who were married were content with the taxation system. Those who were not married were hastening to become taxpayers, as was the fashion. Productivity was up, so much that it was off the scale of the academics who monitor such things.

Both political parties were the beneficiaries of the Sex Tax, and its author, after receiving the Nobel Prize, retired. After all, there is nothing beyond the Nobel Prize.

To go beyond 1984 and predict would be unwise; no one can foretell mankind's path. Suffice it to say that in 1984 mankind had reached a safe harbor. Adequate sex was able to subdue his warring proclivities and reduced the males to satisfied, rather docile creatures. Perhaps the Etruscan women were right!