Timothy Dunnigan, Ph.D.
Being understood by those close to us (spouse, family, and friends) is important to our emotional well-being. It makes us feel valuable, loved and included. The understanding of those close to us also helps us feel good about ourselves and helps us trust our feelings.
Principles of Active Listening
Active listening is a two-part process:
1. Listen to the content of what is being said.
2. Acknowledge the feelings of what is being said.
Active listening is a process of decoding a coded message.
You must be empathic.
You must show acceptance.
You must be responsible and truthful.
Active listening is a basic parenting tool.
Being empathic means being sensitive to another person's feelings
and able to communicate your understanding in a language and tone
that is in tune with the other's feelings.
Active listening
Helps children think and take responsibility for themselves.
Encourages children to solve their own problems.
Decodes messages that are "hidden."
Teaches children how to listen to your thoughts and ideas.
Helps children accept their negative feelings.
Raises children's self-esteem.
Promotes warmth in relationships.
To be empathic is also to acknowledge what the other person
is saying without value judgments and without putting conditions
or limits on what the person experiences.
You should never say, "You shouldn't feel that way."
You might say, "I understand you are (sad, disgusted, whatever) although I don't feel the same way about this."
Active listening is not:
Ordering, Commanding: "Don't talk back to me."
Praising, Agreeing: "Well, I think you're right."
Warning, Threatening: "You'll be sorry if you do that!"
Moralizing, Preaching: "You shouldn't act like that!"
Advising, Giving Suggestions: "Why don't you make friends with other girls?"
Lecturing, Reasoning: "Look at the facts about college graduates."
Criticizing, Blaming: "That's an immature point of view."
Ridiculing, Shaming: "You're a spoiled brat!"
Reassuring, Sympathizing: "Don't worry, you'll feel better tomorrow."
To be empathic is also to be yourself and be open.
Children can see through facades, fronts, and images.
Being open with your feelings, shows the child can be open with hers or his.
This does not mean disclosing everything you know, think, or feel.
Questioning, Interrogating: "Where were you at 9:05 last night?"
Distracting, Humoring: "Don't worry about it."
Active Listening Examples:
The first family, the Smiths, are a good example of a family with open and warm communication. Their fifteen-year-old son, Brian, plays sports, achieves a "B+" grade average, has a group of friends with whom he associates, and is generally well liked by his teachers.
One day at dinner, he says, "School is for the birds. All you learn is a lot of unimportant facts that don't do you any good, I've decided not to go to college. You don't need a college education to be someone important. There are a lot of other ways to get ahead in the world." His father says, "You sound really frustrated with school."
Brian says, "Yeah. I don't see how learning about the War of 1812 will help me be an architect."
His mother says, "You know, I remember feeling the same way about Biology. I hated dissecting frogs and I didn't like the teacher."
Brian says, "Well you know my teacher is so boring, he just talks the whole period and expects us to remember every word."
His mother says, "Sounds like you're irritated with him."
Brian says, "Sure, he gave me a "C" on a pop quiz and he never told anyone he would ask questions about his lecture."
His father says, "You don't feel you deserve that grade."
Brian says, "Well, I missed half the questions and that's a "C", but I'm just mad that he didn't tell us about questions coming from the lecture. It isn't fair."
His mother says, "Well, it sounds to me like you have a problem with your teacher. You don't feel he gave you good enough instructions on what to study for the quiz."
Brian says, "That's about right."
His father says, "Do you feel like you need to get this straight with him?"
Brian says, "What's the use? Now I know what he wants. I can get a good grade now that I know what he expects. I just don't like him very much."
The family goes on to talk about their weekend plans.
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The second family, the Browns, are struggling with their communication. Their fifteen-year-old son, Brendan, plays sports, achieves a "B+" grade average, has a group of friends with whom he associates, and is generally well liked by his teachers.
One day at dinner he says, "School is for the birds. All you learn is a lot of unimportant facts that don't do you any good, I've decided not to go to college. You don't need a college education to be someone important. There are a lot of other ways to get ahead in the world."
His father says, "People who give up when things get difficult usually don't succeed in life."
Brendan says, "How much do you need to know about the War of 1812 to be an architect?"
His mother says, "You should listen to your father. He didn't get where he is today by shirking responsibility."
Brian says, "You don't understand and you never will."
His father says, "I don't ever want to hear you talk to your mother like that again. Get your act together and maybe you'd be a better student. Your problem is that you never apply yourself. That's why you don't get better grades. You just expect to get something without effort. That's what your mother and I get for giving so much to you your whole life."
The family finishes dinner in silence.
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