When Children are Mean
By Alison Hendrie
Little girls may be sugar and spice, but they can be far from nice when feuding with peers. The same goes for little boys. Yet even at age 5 or 6, girls and boys have different ways of dealing with conflict. A recent study of nearly 400 schoolchildren , confirmed what many parents have noticed on their own: Girls generally do battle with taunts and snubs, whereas boys rely on physical force or the threat of it. This choice of weapons reflects deeper differences between the sexes. In her extensive research on male and female conversational styles, sociolinguist Deborah Tannen, has found that girls tend to be more attuned to the subtleties of relationships than boys are and more concerned with who's in and out of a social group. Boys, by contrast, care more about who's on top. Add to those tendencies the fact that girls mature verbally earlier than boys, and it's no surprise that when it comes to cruelty, girls resort more often to put-downs and boys to knockdowns.
Experts believe that some of these differences may be hardwired into the human brain but others are created by our culture. "By 5 or 6, children are eager to learn society's rules for male and female behavior," says Diane N. Ruble, Ph.D., a psychology professor at New York University. Kids are loath to cross these gender lines, as Hillary Janik can attest: "Kelly would never think of slugging her friend. She knows it's not ladylike." Whether the blow comes from a fist or a well-aimed word, however, the emotional damage can be equally devastating. A child who is constantly humiliated -- physically or verbally -- may suffer anxiety and low self-esteem. And a perpetual victim can sometimes become a habitual victimizer.
To protect your child from either fate, it helps to understand the nature of childhood cruelty. Ask your 5-year-old daughter why she called her best friend a doofus, and you're likely to get one of two answers: "I don't know" or "She called me a doofus!" In fact, a 5- or 6-year-old is not mature enough to understand the motives for her actions or to take responsibility for them. "The result is a knee-jerk response," says Edward Schor, M.D., a Des Moines, Iowa, pediatrician and editor of Caring for Your School- Age Child (Bantam, 1999). What your child can't tell you is that it's hard to be his age. A kindergartner or first-grader is just beginning to choose his own friends and to be chosen -- or rejected -- by others. He's spending less time in the safe embrace of home and more time with his peers, who might turn against him at any moment. "When a child feels threatened, he may lash out preemptively," says Georgia Sassen, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and faculty member at the Stone Center at Wellesley College, in Massachusetts. Although even the most secure child can throw the occasional zinger, a child this age really doesn't intend to be mean. In fact, the aggressor is usually as confused as the victim. Parents often have difficulty figuring out their own role when kids behave cruelly to one another. Many hesitate to intervene, believing that kids must learn to fight their own battles. And though it's true that butting in rarely works, a little prevention can spare your child unnecessary pain. At the end of a playdate, Morgan Judge, 5, of Pelham, New York, expected a good-bye kiss from her friend Hayley. But the two had squabbled, and though Hayley kissed Morgan's brother, she pointedly ignored Morgan. "My daughter was crushed," says Morgan's mom, Cindy. After a few such episodes, she decided to prep Morgan before Hayley's visits. "I'll say, 'You know how cranky Hayley can get.' Morgan goes into the situation knowing she shouldn't take it personally if things get out of hand." When your child is the aggressor, use the opportunity to explain how to settle differences without hurting. You might say, "It's okay to want to play with someone other than Amy but not to ignore her on purpose or tease her." Although both boys and girls are commonly taught that physical violence is wrong, says Dr. Sassen, girls need to get the message that "exclusion and meanness are as cruel as hitting." To encourage empathy, ask your child how he felt the last time someone was mean to him. "This is especially important for boys, who are often socialized to keep a lid on their emotions," notes Dr. Sassen. If it's hard for your son to admit to being vulnerable, jump-start the conversation: "You must have been upset when your friend hit you." Since aggression can be a way of venting pent-up emotions, encouraging self-expression may help prevent it.
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