It's comforting for parents to realize that when a child misbehaves, it isn't because he has some terrible character defect or because the parent is a failure. A child who misbehaves is making a mistake, and the mistake is based on a belief that the child has about the world he lives in and how he fits into it. When you look at it this way, your child's mistakes can be less aggravating and you can do something about them besides getting furious or depressed.
According to Adlerian psychology,
the four goals of misbehavior are undue attention, power, revenge, and assumed disability.
Since all behavior has a goal (although the child may not be aware of it), the way to cope with the misbehavior is to figure out the goal behind it. It doesn't work to ask your child what he hopes to get out of any particular misbehavior--he's probably focused on some specific "want" that has little to do with the real issue. To find out what the underlying goal is, look at your own feelings as an indicator:
If you feel annoyed, your child is probably seeking undue attention.
If you feel angry or challenged, you're probably involved in a power struggle.
If you feel hurt by your child's actions, his or her goal is revenge.
If you feel frustrated and want to give up, your child's goal is assumed disability.
Kids (like adults) are always trying to find ways to count in the world, and if they can't count in a positive way, a negative way will do. The main thing is to have a role in life, a part in the play. As a parent, you can encourage them to take positive parts by dealing with their misbehavior in a way that doesn't encourage it.
Here are some suggestions:
When a child pesters you for undue attention (either actively, or passively by not doing something that needs to be done), the temptation is to scold, nag, or coax. When you remember that your child's goal is to get attention (any attention), it's easy to see that scolding, nagging, or otherwise interacting in response to the child's misbehavior only encourages more of it.
Instead, try ignoring it (if possible), giving your child your full attention, surprising her by doing the unexpected, or regularly setting aside some special time to show your child she doesn't have to act up to share time with you. Power struggles are often an escalation of bids for undue attention. Your child is trying to find out how powerful he is, and his mistake is thinking that he only counts when he's running the show.
Rather than join the struggle, take charge by acting instead of talking (he's heard it all before, that's the point), or by turning the mistake into a plus and giving him limited choices so he can have positive power: "Do you want to do homework before dinner or after dinner?" "Would you like to set the table or clear it after dinner?" Don't fight or argue--that just encourages the problem. If you must talk, ask for your child's help in coming up with a solution you can both accept: "I have a problem with (blank). Do you have any ideas to make it better for both of us?"
Dealing with the mistaken goal of revenge takes patience. A child who hurts others feels that she's been hurt and that she has to even the score in order to count. But when she hurts others she established a painful cycle of relating to people through hurting and being hurt. To break the cycle, don't retaliate--try instead to build a friendship at other times and encourage her to have a better opinion of herself.
Assumed disability is the refuge of a discouraged child. It's a lot easier to give up than to try and fail over and over again. As a parent, your job is the difficult one of simply having faith that you child can handle his problems and encouraging him by appreciating whatever successes he achieves (no matter how small). Let him know that mistakes are okay--they are part of the package of living, and we can use them if we don't let them scare us off from trying new things.
A final word of encouragement--a child who makes mistakes is a child who is doing his job, since his job is to learn how he fits into the world. Your job as a parent is to help him count in a positive way and remember that misbehavior has specific goals that can help you strengthen your child's self-esteem.
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