Parents Torn Between Being FRIENDS and PARENTS Diane Ehrensaft, Ph.D.                Parents who act too much like friends to their children are often well-meaning but misguided mothers and fathers who believe in democratic child rearing, have made a commitment to listening to their children and taking them seriously, and worry that any type of authority relationship with their children will alienate their children from them and simultaneously damage their children's psyche in the process.               They are often parents who are unnecessarily worried about securing their children's love and themselves are part of the "Peter Pan" generation who never wanted to grow up and be stodgy parents like Mr. and Mrs. Darling. Occasionally, they are lonely people who turn to their children for friendship and companionship and don't want to spoil that by taking a "parent" role. And from time to time, we see a parent who is just too pooped or too apathetic to care when their children come home or where they are going.              There are some dangers to "friendship" parenting. When parents renege on being an authority figure to their children, the children can grow anxious that there is no one old enough to have a license who is "driving the bus" at home. They turn to their parents both for understanding and support but also to help provide them with a "red light" system when they themselves are struggling to get a grip on their impulses. Often I ask kids who are out of control and who have parents who just want to be friends and never be a bad guy what they wish their parents would do when they yell horrible things at their parents or get themselves in trouble. Their responses are shocking: "Beat me," "Throw me in the trunk," "Tell me to shut up." I do not believe that these kids really want to be physically abused, but they have turned up the amp so we adults will listen to their plea, "Will some adult, particularly my parent, stop trying to be my friend and start putting their foot down with me?"             Children need a disciplinary figure around not just to learn right from wrong but to have a trusting relationship with a nurturing adult who is willing to provide guidance as well as hugs. Children are not born with an internal regulator or "brake" system. Like with reading, they depend on the adults around them to teach it to them, starting in their very first year when Mom and Dad guide their hand away from the electric plugs that look so intriguing to a little crawler. Without a "disciplinary" figure to help them build this inner brake system, they not only have trouble telling right from wrong, they often grow up having difficulty controlling themselves, being patient, or getting beyond the infantile belief that they can have whatever they want when they want it. This is certainly not what we want for our children.
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