by: Ryan Shuck
Our lager
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk
(I will be drunk)
At home as I am in the tavern
Give us this day our foamy head
And forgive us our spillages
As we forgive those who spill against us
And lead us not into incarceration
But Deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer
For bitter and the lager
Forever and ever
Barmen.
by: Ryan Shuck
symptom: feet cold and wet
fault: glass being held at incorrect angle
action: rotate glass so that open end points to the ceiling
symptom: feet warm and wet
fault: improper bladder control
action: stand close to nearest dog, complain about house training
symptom: beer unusually pale and tasteless
fault: glass empty
action: get someone to buy you another beer
symptom: opposite wall cover with fluorescent lights
fault: you have fallen over backwards
action: have yourself leashed to the bar
symptom: mouth contains cigarette butts
fault: you have fallen forward
action: have yourself leashed to the bar
symptom: beer tasteless, front of shirt is wet
fault: mouth not open, glass applied to wrong part of face
action: retire to restroom, practice in mirror
symptom: floor blurred
fault: you are looking through the bottom of empty glass
action: get someone to buy you another beer
symptom: floor moving
fault: you are being carried out
action: find out if you are being taken to another bar
symptom: room seems unusually dark
fault: bar has closed
action: comfirm address with bartender
symptom: taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspects and textures
fault: beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
action: cover mouth