How did I come up with this list? I came up with the bright(?) idea of color coding people's nametags at a party - just for fun. I mean really, how many times have you met someone at a function and decided this was your next ex only to find out that they've been in a relationship for 15 years. Now, issnn't thaaatt speeeeeecccciiiiiaaaallll? So, I devised a plan that wouldn't have anyone barking up the wrong tree so to speak. So, here's my list. Feel free to email me with more suggestions. I'd love to hear them.

THE DOTS

• Red. In a committed relationship. Look but don't touch.

• Green. Single and no, I don't have intimacy issues damnit!

• Yellow. Ambivalent; I don't know if I'm single or not.

• Pink. You'll be my one and only, the only one I ever friggin' lived for, the yin to my yang, the bin to my bang. Offer good for 3 to 6 months and then I'm off to my next one true love.

• Purple. Single. In that dating is too weird place. Taking applications for the future. Maybe we can be friends first and find out whether or not we like each other before we call for U-Haul rates.

• Blue. Non-monogamous. Don't mix well with the monogamous.

• Magenta. Monogamous. Don't mix well with the non-monogamous.

• Burgundy. Dog lover. Dog(s) sleeps on bed and drinks out of toilet bowl.

• Orange. Cat lover. Cat(s) sleep on my face or yours. Walks on kitchen countertops.

• White. Single with intimacy issues. You'll end up thinking you're as crazy as a loon after dating me.

• Black. Looking for lust only. I have multiple copies of my phone number or business card on me. Just ask. Repeat after me - casual sex is a good thing.

• Brown. Non-drinking, non-drugging party animal. Asking me out to a crack party is probably not a good thing.

• Silver star. I look butch but I can put Martha Stewart to shame.

• Gold star. I look femme but I own tools. Some of them are even power tools.

• Red star. I sleep with a computer in the bed or take a laptop with me everywhere I go.

• Green star. None of your business you freak. I'm much too cool for this.

  So, there you have it. My little list. I could probably come up with more but I really made these dots up and was running out of colors. The colors I would currently be sporting are: red, magenta, burgundy, brown, and topped off with a gold star. What kind of outfit would one wear with all those different colors? Hey, I heard that! No, I won't don a clown outfit. Well, at least not today.