Retreat From Intimacy...
By Jennifer Lynn
By Jennifer Lynn
NOTE:
The author wishes to offer her apologies for the delay in compiling my TG relationship survey data. While this project was begun with energy and zeal my marital separation and the ensuing adjustments in my life have been most challenging. Perhaps this article is a small sign that I am re-emerging into the light; That there is a light at the end of my personal tunnel... one simply hopes it is not an onrushing train.
I also wish to thank the respondents for sharing their relationship experiences.
R etreat from intimacy. Such an ominous phrase. One loaded with thoughts of missed opportunities and lost possibilities. It is this phrase that returned to my thoughts again and again as I compiled my TG relationship survey data.
It appears to me that TG people of all stripes are for the most part living lives that are incomplete. I see that far too many of us have retreated from the intimacies of family, friends and lovers. Whether this is for good reason or not I will not discuss here, but the data is clear. According to my survey data, to be TG dooms far too many of us to lives of isolation and loneliness.
The realities of isolation and loneliness is probably not news to many in the TG community. I am sure most of us have a fairly accurate sense of how far removed from the mainstream those in the Transgendered community are in our society. Still the data I have collected focussed even my jaded attentions. As a member of that isolated community I share the pain of the Transgendered. It is pain that I can only hope will not be experienced by future generations.
However there is hope. As judged by the high degree of 2nd and 3red relationships reported many of us still believe in the possibility of finding a suitable partner. The number of these subsequent relationships that are reported as accepting is also encouraging. So amid the turmoil of relationships in the TG community there is at least a glimmer of hope...;)
My TG relationship Survey was conducted on the Internet on TGFORUM and my personal Homepage between November and December of 1998. I received survey forms electronically from 113 respontents in this period. We should note that in the strictest sense my survey is NOT scientific. I don't have a large sample size. The sample isn't truly random as it was obtained from users of 2 specific WWW pages. The data I obtained was accepted at face value. With the exception of deleting multiple records received from the same E-Mail address no validation was attempted.
However the TG community is one where random samples of any size are almost impossible to obtain. If nothing else we are very effective at closeting ourselves to outside scrutiny. Of course it is also very hard to validate any data obtained. For this and a multitude of other reasons research into our community is to say the least challenging.
So let us explore the survey data....
Sex at birth:
Median age:
Gender category:
Sexual Orientation:
Times Married:
Relationship Status:
Single - 15%
Married/Equiv - 47%
Divorced - 32%
Widowed - 6%
Relationship Type:
Current Partner:
Current relationship Median Length:
Median # of children from current relationships:
% of current relationships with NO children:
When current partner told about TG status:
Current relationship type:
Partners feeling towards Transgender:
Potential for TG to cause current relationship to fail:
- Relationship Type:
Previous Partner:
Previous relationship Median Length:
Median # of children from current relationships:
% of previous relationships with NO children:
When previous partner told about TG status:
Partners feeling towards Transgender:
Potential for TG to cause current relationship to fail:
SO what does this data say?
The biographical data shows that our respondents are middle aged males who identify mostly as TG. The number of our respondents that identified as Gay (13%) was surprising. Current data suggests that the total Gay population (Gay & Lesbian) is in the range of 6-8%. This anomaly may be due to sampling errors or suggest that the concept of Straight - Bi - Gay my not relate completely to our Gender fluid community. After all is a Pre-OP TS who has sex with a genetic man Straight, BI, or Gay. Is the same Pre-OP TS who has sex with a genetic woman Straight, BI, or Gay. I don't think that we can truly know.
The second area that surprised me was the high number of respondants that reported never having been in any type of long term relationship (18%). The number of respondants reporting that they are not currently in a relationship also seem high (30%). The current number may be due to many people being in some sort of gender transition and as such are not available for any form of relationship. Those never having been in a relationship tends to confirm my suspicions of a retreat from intimacy and support the notion that alternate gender identification does lead one to become isolated in our society.
However there is also some good news. If we compare the current and previous relationships one will see a distinct positive trend. A majority of the respondants report that they are currently in some kind of relationship (65%). The report that the number of relationships where Transgender status does NOT have the potential to cause the current relationship to fail is 26% up from 12% in previous relationships.
Partners are also told much earlier about the respondents Transgender status with a majority informing their partner at or before the point when the relationship became serious. This is a significant improvement from the 1/4 informed in previous relationships. Perhaps more importantly the percentange of partners not told declined from 66% in previous relationships to 26% in current relationships. As well the reported feelings of partners towards ones Transgender status has changed dramatically. Many more partners in current relationships are reported as accepting or loving the Transgender dimension in the relationship as compared to previous relationships.
OF course these results are open to much intrepretation. For my money the results are a testiment to the resiliance of those in the Transgender community. Most of us endure significant failure in relationships only to forge new relationships based upon honesty and trust. It is perhaps this single factor that is most important in sucessfull relationships. IF we strive to build relationships based on complete disclosure to our partners we will enhance the relationship, help us avoid future pain, and enhance our odds of long term sucess. Perhas it is as simple as that EH?
I for one will take these results as a positive sign for the future and hope that my own experience mirrors that of the respondants to this survey. Let us hope that this is a trend for the entire Transgender community.
Comments, corrections, rebuttals?
I welcome your reactions. Otherwise I am just muttering in the dark and as such am liable to be given a rear lacing suit and be hauled off to a quiet and dark place. I don't look good in white either....;)
Eh!!! (Old Canadian Anachronism)
Copyright © 1996-1999 - Jennifer Lynn
Last revised: June 1999
V 1.6