If you've ever browsed the personal ads with any sincerity, you know how hard it is to picture what a person is really like from a thirty word mini-essay. If you've ever sat down and tried to write an ad, you know how difficult it is to capture your own essence and set yourself apart from the rest. Let me say at the outset, that I admire anyone willing to undertake writing an ad. For those answering ads, you also draw my admiration, because it's a kind of bravery and sense of adventure that I, unfortunately, just don't have. This is why many of us chicken out and abandon this medium altogether. Like many people, I've browsed the personals out of a curiosity, and a slight admiration for those brave enough to meet people in this way. After all, outside of the bars, there are few places where we meet in numbers sufficient enough to increase the chance of meeting Mr. (or Miss) Right.

"Where did you meet?" It's a question I ask all my coupled friends, gay or straight. The answers range from "in a bar" to "at the grocery store" to "at the dentist's office." Of course, the follow up question then becomes, "Frozen foods, you say?" and "Which dentist do you go to?" --all in hopes that I might find my own luck on the coat-tails of someone else's luck. I'm sorry to report that after hanging around the frozen peas, and scheduling extra teeth cleanings, I'm still single.

A good friend of mine decided to place an ad. He worked on it day and night. He read it to me over and over. He revised. He edited. He rewrote. He asked for my literary advice. He scrapped it at least a hundred times. When at last the piece was done, and he was satisfied that it had the hook that would reel in a terrific catch, he sent it in. Every day he diligently called his assigned mailbox number, only to find that no one answered. "I just don't get it," he said, both exasperated and humiliated. I told him not to take it personally. Perhaps his Mr. Right didn't read that particular publication. Finally, he decided that maybe he'd have better luck answering an ad or two. He went about it very methodically. First, he wrote down his requirements, or rather the requirements for Mr. Right. Then he scoured several papers for the perfect match. It was no easy task. "What's CBTT?" he asked me innocently. I gave it some thought, then decided I had absolutely no idea and told him as much. Of course I suggested he answer that ad and find out. He wisely declined.

In the end, he had two mildly successful dates and one rather scary one. None of them led to any serious romance, but he had a good time. And maybe that's exactly how it should be, exactly what one should expect in such an endeavor.

No doubt about it, finding love in the personal ads is an art, of sorts. With my friend's experience as a beacon, and with tongue firmly in cheek, here's a brief guide to help you in your search:

Getting past the myriad of abbreviations in an ad often trips you up. A good rule of thumb is that if you don't immediately know what the abbreviation stands for, it's probably best to move on.

Beware the phrase "seeks same." This could mean one of two things: it could mean "seeks someone with similar physical attributes or interests", or, "I am literally seeking myself and wouldn't be happy with anyone else." Which of these two is true will be self evident should you meet in person.

Be wary of "possible LTR." Long term relationships are always possible, seldom probable. It's best not to plan that far ahead. Proceed with caution.

Pay attention to "straight acting." You can never be sure what is meant by this. It's often used to mean "masculine," but the two are not interchangeable. Used in this way, "straight acting" implies that masculinity is purely found among straight men and that to be gay and masculine is merely pretending to be straight. We should all take exception to that. If this phrase is used for anything other than to imply "masculine," it can only mean they literally act like a straight person. Since straight people act in many mysterious ways, it's a good idea to find out what sort of straight person they're portraying. Again, proceed with caution.

Watch for incongruencies. If someone is described as "Open minded" at the beginning of the ad but ends with, "no blue collars workers, no blondes, no facial hair, not under 5' 11", no Republicans, no one who likes classical music, no 'artsy' types, no one without their own car, no existentialists," you'll most likely find them to be not very open-minded. Move along, even if you're none of those things.

Look closely at age ranges. For instance, the age range 19-65 can imply an open minded person. It can also infer a certain desperation. In any case, you must adhere strictly to the range given. Thirty years old is not twenty-nine—some people are picky about this. These are the same people who make a scene at the grocery store when you have one too many items for the express lane. If you are a year over, or under, the given age range you are technically eliminated. Just as in the express line, however, you can sometimes get through anyway. You'll have to take your chances.

Watch for redundancies. Phrases such as "likes to have fun" sound nice, but really go without saying. After all, what sort of person doesn't like to have fun?

Last but not least, should you decide that your dream man can be found in the personal ads, use some common sense. Keep expectations low, be willing to make a new friend if it turns out you can't be lovers. Always meet in a public place the first time. Be safe. And if you do find that perfect lover in an ad, write to me and tell me what it said.

1996

MORE ARTICLES

Click here if you came to this page via THE DATING HANDBOOK