Developing a mental image

Just what got me started on all this? Well, for those of you that haven't figured it out already, I am not a girl. I am not even really a cross dresser or a transvestite (although some folks I have met are trying to tell me I should be... read on). If I were to really go back to the beginning, I suppose it might even start back in when the neighbor girls used to make me play house as a 'women' role. OK, not really. However, some trips into mom's stuff in 6th grade (back when I was a pestered little kid in Mr. Proctor's class) when I was home sick did start my curiousity rolling.

In the seventh grade, some events led me to 'buy back' some save-face and I was able to re-gain some social respect at school and did not really tamper with my gender role again for some time. However, at some point just before leaving high school, I got a job at a local retail chain and worked sorting out in coming shipping items for women's apparel. I was going out with a girl at the time, and as some teenagers do, I would 'borrow' some items for my girl friend. Time when by and I did not see her, and it came to my attention that the girl was REAL close to my size. With some sucking in of the gut, I could fit into some of the items I had managed to collect.

In that I was in the store room, I also managed to get a sundrie cosmetic item or two and for a few weeks had some interesting times playing with outfits and make-up before being 'dismissed' without a real good reason - hmm.

Anyway, I kept the stuff around for a month or so before my mother came across the bag of stuff one day while cleaning out the attic. A quick explanation of how it was stuff from the drama department at school (there were some men's clothes in there too - though not all from men's or women's clothes were from the store) and that they were 'just going to throw it all away' seemed to put that small scenario to bed.

Still, these 'events' made up a rather small portion of my life. I do recall at least some 'heightened' level of interest when browsing the catalog (women's section) before getting to the toys that mom gave me the catalog to mark for Christmas ideas, but for the most part, I have and continue to still enjoy a normal life - dating girls, doing guy things.

Eventually, after what was perhaps too long, I finally got a good job in Ann Arbor and moved out on my own. I had the opportunity that my new salary would afford me the benefit of renting a rather nice Townhome apartment by myself. As luck would have it, the former resident was a female and had a regular stream of female clothiers sending her various mail order catalogs on a regular basis. Amongst which was Chadwicks, Newport News and - yes - !!!

At first, I kept the catalog around for the pictures of the girls. Some of those models are hot! Somewhere in this mass, I also stumbled across the alt.sex.trans pictures and was amazed that a guy could look as good as some of the pictures that I saw! I occasionally stopped in on the newsgroup and even started snooping around some of the WWW pages listed there. Before long, I found that I was looking as much at the outfits in the catalogs as I was at the girls. Old feelings/curiousities resurfacing!

Somewhere in this mass, last rolled around. As some might be aware, just before is the passing of National Coming Out Day. As luck would have it, one of the senior technicians at work just happened to send out an email to the support staff that day to see if anyone wanted to have a 'theme' for costumes the following week for . His idea was to have the guys dress as girls and vice versa (turns out he was already planning on dressing as an old lady). Although I had thought of going out for en femme, I was not really interested in the idea at that time.

In the interest of getting my say, I sent out another email to the support staff in reply stating that such a 'theme' would be better geared for 'National Coming Out Day' which, as mentioned, happened to be that day. The alternative lifestyle employees went ballistic! They accused me of being everything under sun and of not understanding the true meaning of the day.

I was greatly offended by this, as I have known a few people in my life that do in fact now dress as women that used that day as their day to "Tell the World" as it were. Not to mention that I had had at least some curiousities in the past. It was like the gays at work were denying all TV/CD/TG/TS folks from having their part in living their lives as they felt!

As luck would have it, I had started training early for ski season that year. Normally, I would not start until first snow, but I had my boots and gear lying around in site, so I was doing hill sprints in the boots. Now, I had learned from the ski team in high school that you can avoid the nasty effect that socks and ski boots have on leg hair (RIP RIP RIP) by shaving the front and back of your legs as high as an inch above the boot line. This especially is a problem when the long johns are pulled over top of the socks.

Needless to say, after bouncing a few messages back and forth from the 'ring-leaders' (apparently the designated spokesman of all the gay employees as he was the main flame generator and kept referring to numerous others voicing similar complaints about my mail) I marched right over to his desk after a rather brash email accusing me of being ignorant. I pulled up my pant leg, showed the bear calf and asked him to repeat what he said in the email.

The effect was wonderful. He avoided me for some time and I think may still be eating crow somewhat. It never seemed to reach any of the other employees to my knowledge. Life went on as normal, but I resolved to 'dress' with ample preperation for the following .

Meanwhile, another incident at a local waterhole, (The Blind Pig and Eightball Saloon) after a long bout of dieting to get rid of an extra 1/2" of beer fat that was accumulated around my gut - coupled with a few too many hours in front of the computer - was leaving me a bit on the scrawny side again. (about two years earlier I had been doing an intensive workout - in the process, I had been increasing my caloric intake and actually gained about 15 pounds in muscle bulk. My health club went belly up, and I had to cut the program short, but had a hard time curbing the new eating habits - although my actual weight gain was never less than about 15 lbs.)

After soundly trouncing a rather portly fellow in a fair game of darts, he started throwing a fit. A few, well placed satirical comments about his hysterics threw him into a ranting frenzy. One of the last I heard before lunging at the big bastard was something to the effect of "I don't need to take this from some effeminate little F**K!" Someone stopped me just short of putting my knee cap through his adams apple (by that point, some of the other trash he was saying already had my adrenal glands kicking me into my own frenzy) but that resolved my 'need' to dress for the bar's party as well as work's.

Then tragedy struck. Two opportunities were pulled from me at work - supposedly because of a tardiness problem that had occurred more than eight months before (during a time when the boss was requiring me to work as much as 2-3 hours overtime everyday when I was supposed to be at class and trying to run a business on the side - lack of sleep can cause you to sleep through an alarm!). I became discontented with working there and started flying resumes. They knew I was not happy too. Eventually, rumors started to fly about the company wanting to go public, and shortly there after I was selected as the first to be 'let go' - once again supposedly as a result of the tardiness problem (two days had occurred between being yanked from the opportunities and being released in which intermittent power outtages at my apartment complex kept screwing up my digital alarms and computer generated alarms -- consequently, two days later 15 more people were laid off and two weeks after that seven more).

By this point in time, I had already ordered some items from in preperation for . I debated for some weeks as to whether or not to continue towards my charade. The debate itself hightened my interest and curiousity. To date, noone knew of my secret plans, and that in itself was intriguing. Even my new roommate had no idea at first (but eventually caught on - I still wonder if he was snooping in my room by some of the comments made when I told him my plans!!).

However, now I had to find other things to do, as I was not about to spend a couple hundred on make-up, wigs and wardrobe to just go to the local bar!

By this point in time, I had already begun collecting a large list of WWW sites and related clothing, make-up and TG/TV/TS/CD resources. It was resolved then that I would not only go through with it, but that I would find some other things to do with my new look in the meantime. If nothing else, I would learn a few more things about just what women have to go through, astonish and shock a few friends and perhaps meet a few of these beautiful she-males I had been admiring in the newsgroups!>

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