The most effective way to remember your girlfriend's birthday is to forget it once.

Five reasons to believe that computers are female:
1. No one but the creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "if you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first, Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."
"You foul mouthed swine!" retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

What's better than a cold Budweiser?
A warm Busch.

Why did the lesbian put a candle in her navel?
Her lover liked to eat by candlelight.

What do you call a lesbian in Alaska?
A Klondyke

Why do dykes in Texas turn their cowdyke hats up on the sides?
So three of them will fit in a pick up truck

A lesbian goes to a whorehouse and asks for a 15 yr old hooker. The madam told her no she couldn't do that. When the lesbian asked why, the madam replied "Because we don't serve minors to lickers"

A young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he wants to break into show-biz, so the agent says "Okay kid, show me what you do." The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the agent.
"Great kid! Just great!," says the agent "I can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on T.V." (This was the early sixties.) "By the way, what's your name?"
The young man, proud and excited, exclaims "Penis Van Lesbian."
"'Scuse me?," questions the agent.
"My name is Penis Van Lesbian" again replies the young man.
"Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian."
Well the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent.
A few months later he returns to the same agent. "Hey kid! Good to see ya again!" says the agent, "Are ya still looking for work? Have ya changed your name?"
With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian. So I've changed it".
"Great kid, great! What's your new name?"
"Dick Van Dyke."

A woman walks into a sex shop and asks the clerk "d-d-do y-y-you s-s-s-ell v-v-vibrators?"
The clerk replies "yes ma'am".
The woman asks "t-t-t-he r-r-r-eally b-b-b-ig o-o-nes?"
The clerk replies.........."yes ma'am".
The woman asks "t-t-t-he o-o-o-nes w-w-w-ith t-t-t-he t-t-two s-s-speed s-s-witch?"
The clerk replies "yes ma'am.....right here".
The woman asks" c-c-c-c-can y-y-you t-t-tell m-mm-me h-how t-t-to t-t-t-urn t-t-hem o-o-off"?

What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken.

Do you know what 6.9 is?
A good thing fucked up by a period.

Do you know why it's called sex?
Because it's easier to spell than
Uhhhhh..oooohh...Ahhhhhh....AIIEEEEEEE!!!

What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?
An armadildo.

What is the area between the vagina and the anus called?
A chin rest.

Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
They have shaky hands!

How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.

What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A teabag.

A man is drinking at a bar and notices a real HOT woman at the end of the bar. He sends her a drink and is pleased when she walks over to thank him. She whispers into his ear, "You wanna see some ass?" "Sure!" So she yanks her skirt up and wiggles her ass in his face then goes back to her seat at the other end of the bar. A little later the man sends her another drink hoping that she'll come back and repeat her earlier performance. She walks over to him and whispers in his ear, "Thanks. You wanna see some tit?" "Sure!" She lifts up her shirt and wiggles her tits in his face and then goes back to her seat. The man can't wait for her to finish her drink to see what she'll do next. He sends her a drink and sure enough, she walks over and whispers in his ear, "You want to smell some pussy?" "Sure!" She leans over and breathes in his face.

A guy gets a job at a sex store and "things" aren't selling too well so his boss decides to take an early lunch. He says, "I'm going out for some lunch. Let's see how much you can sell before I get back." As soon as his boss walks out the door this white woman comes in and says, "Hmm, I've never had a black dildo before, I think I'll take one of those." He charges her 30 bucks and says the obligatory 'Have a nice day.' About ten minutes later a black woman comes in and says, "I've never had a white dildo. Gimmie one of those." "That'll be $30," he says. "Thank you." Things go slowly for another 20 minutes until this blond comes in and says, "OH, WOW!!! I've never seen a plaid dildo before. How much is it?" He looks at her and says, "That particular dildo is very rare. There were only five made in the world. But I could let you have it for $600." She says, "Only five made! That's a good deal, I'll take it." A little while later his boss come back and asks how he did. The guy says, "Well, I sold a black dildo for $30, a white dildo for $30, and your thermos for $600."

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says "if you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"
She says "I'm sick and tired of my girlfriend complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

There was this couple in bed one night. One lover had curled up ready for sleep and the other lover put her bedlamp on to read a book. As she was reading, she stopped and reached over to her wife and started fondling with her "kitty".
She did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading her book.
The first lover got up and started stripping off in front of her. The other lover was confused and asked, "What are doing taking all your clothes off?" She replied, "You were playing with my "kitty". I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier".
"No, not at all."
" Well, what were you doing then?"
"Oh", she said, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!"

Why did God create lesbians?
So feminists couldn't breed.

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't ?
Her navel.

Narrow Minded Homophobics

If Guys had Vaginas

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