Wed, 27 Jul 1994

Dear Diary,

Michael and Ginger were late picking me up. Brady came with them and it apparently took him a little while to get ready. So we ended up being 15 minutes late at group. On the way down, I got a chance to talk with Brady about his work as an female impersonator...he said he only does one impersonation: Mariah Carey.

Ralph stared at me as we entered and after everyone rearranged the seating (there ended up being 23 people there at the group by the time it was over), Ralph said I was looking "particularly radiant." I hadn't necessarily dressed well for the evening (black jeans and a red sweater), so I assumed it was something else he was referring to, so I said "Two more weeks" and smiled. I answered several questions that I typically get asked anymore: "Are you nervous?" No. "Are you excited?" Yes. "Are you scared?" No. My answers were actually fuller than these :)

As I looked around the room, I saw a couple of new faces, but mostly people I knew. I counted 3 MtF's (one new one that I hadn't met before) and 4 FtM's...nearly 1/3 of what was originally a lesbigay group. I'm proud of being the first avowed transsexual in the group and having opened the door for others.

Danielle was there, looking daggers at me the entire evening. I think she has been used to being a focal point the last few weeks with me not there. Now that I was, her surgery has become "old news." Well, that's Dani...always wanting to be the center of attention. Myself, I don't strive to be the center of attention in the group...I'm interested in the problems other people are having and try to give my 2 cents when it is appropriate, perfectly willing to keep quiet when it is not.

After group, several of us went to Ralph's new restaurant (he has a 10% discount for group members). I had a grilled cheese and also bought sandwiches for Michael and Ginger...it was a bit more than the gas money I said I would pay them, but I covered it since otherwise they wouldn't eat there. I sat at a table with Michael and we talked about this and that...with people dropping by all evening to occupy the third chair...first Pam, then Rob, then Chris, and Kitty...I can't remember everyone who was there. People asked me questions about things all evening. Chris, who is studying to be a therapist himself and is interested in specializing in gender, asked me if I got tired of answering the questions and I told him about my mixed feelings on the subject.

I decided to try to get back there next week as well, though I can't afford to spend as much money this time. Hopefully I'll have Janet's car to borrow.

I did spend some time specifically talking with Kathy...the new MtF in the group. In some ways she reminds me of when I first started out...probably dressing inappropriately for her body style. She'll learn, I'm sure :) I did. She has some obvious problems with masculine features that I didn't have to deal with, including being hairier, with darker hair, and having tattoos on her arms from her days in the Marines, but I can see something in her eyes that looks very familiar to me...sadness mixed with hope.

On the way back to Conway, with Chris along for the ride (I think he and Brady hit it off :) ), I got to know Ginger better and I like her. I hope she and Michael find something lasting in their relationship.

Michael came inside for a bit when I got home and gave me a hug in case this was the last time we saw each other before I left. He did offer to pick me up from the airport when I get back here on Labor Day. I think I'll take him up on that...having someone who really understands waiting for me would be very nice.

Love and Peace,

Robyn

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