Fri, 29 Jul 1994

Dear Diary,

Payday finally arrived. I made it. What's more, I got more money than I thought I would, so after I deposit this $825 I'll have about $1400 in the bank. Of course I have to pay bills, but I think it will last me awhile.

I had to walk over to the dry cleaners to pick up my clothes. On the way there, I decided to treat myself to the buffet at Fu Lin's. I didn't see anyone I knew so I picked a small table for two in the corner by the window. Shortly after I started eating, Jeff Allender from Geography entered and after he went through the line, he came over and asked if he could sit with me. Jeff is very nice, very understanding. He has a birth defect himself, so he knows what it is like to be treated rudely. We chatted at length about Latin America since he is going to Bolivia on a grant to study the effects of tourism on the local economy and culture. For my part, I had my experiences in Mexico to contribute.

He asked where I was going for my surgery and was amazed when I said Neenah. Jeff once was a leading applicant for the City Manager position and went for an interview there. He said he turned it down though, since he couldn't stand the smell of the paper mill. In further conversation, we discovered that I was on the faculty of UW-Milwaukee when he was a grad student there. So the conversation moved on to a discussion of the benefits and deficits to living in Milwaukee.

All in all it was a very pleasant lunch :)

And now for something completely different...

Having little to do but think recently, I've been thinking. I know, I know...thinking only gets us in trouble :) But thinking I have been doing anyway. One thing I have thought about most is that old saw that "surgery is actually a rather minor step." I have developed my doubts about the veracity of that statement. I have noticed that several people on this list and from elsewhere have withdrawn for a period of time before the surgery. There must be a reason for that. Part of my reason for keeping this diary is to try to explore why this happens. What is going on?

As I have gotten closer to surgery, life has taken on a very sharp focus, almost to the point of being surreal. Odors are more distinct, tactile sensations more noticeable. Is this just me?

This has become a very spiritual time in my life. For me going to Neenah for The Surgery is akin to stepping up to the altar of sacrifice. Most people have to go through death in order to be reborn and the result is that they remember little or nothing of any past experiences. We do not have to die for this rebirth. We only go through the "little death" of anaesthesia. We will keep our memories. But we will be reborn afterwards, make no mistake about it. The fact that we may slip back into the same life afterwards does not invalidate this conclusion for me.

I don't deny that the hardest step was the coming out, the beginning of gestation...entering RLT. For me that required the death of my former personality. Since *I* was still alive, I allowed myself to pick and choose from amongst the pieces of that personality to rebuild myself. The construction was not painless. The construction still goes on. Life goes on.

But The Surgery is in a sense the final burial of that former personality, where the last vestiges of him are removed. How can that not be an important event? And with the surgery begins the painful birthing process. I will be born anew in the blood of my former self.

Love and Peace,

Robyn (with perhaps a different view than others)

Next Day * * * Calendar * * * Previous Day