Sat, 9 Jul 1994

Dear Diary,

About 5 times per day now, someone asks me if I am nervous or scared. They seem amazed when I say that I am not. The surgery is not frightening to me in any way. As far as being nervous is concerned, I may be a little, but not nearly so nervous as before first outing myself to my friends or when coming out to my boss. I was even more nervous the first time I wore a dress to school. Maybe I've just gotten used to being nervous :)

I do have a few things I'm concerned about. I have a few friends who suffered a decrease in breast size in the hospital. When I first started hormones, my breast growth amazed my doctor and I got to b-cup very rapidly. Since then I have had some breast growth and a better shape was obtained when I started provera, but I look to be destined to be a b-cup. That's fine with me, but I am concerned about losing a significant portion of what I have. I wouldn't even consider implants as an option. I hope the loss my friends experienced is only temporary. I guess I should try to remember that when I started this, I said I would be happy as long as I got enough breast growth to be noticeable.

I talked with Heather for a while last night as she explained what the aftercare was like. She seems to be having an especially hard time of it, but I now have some idea of the work ahead of me while recovering.

I'm down to 2mg of estrace and 250mg of spironolactone today. I'm definitely experiencing some withdrawal symptoms. I split my pills between two different times to spread them out and when I take a batch, my body seems to be saying, "You forgot something." When I don't feed it more, I get very hungry. If I let myself, I think I would eat everything in the house in one sitting. I suppose it's only going to get worse on Tuesday when I go down to 1mg of estrace and 200mg of spironolactone per day. Eleven more days until I am off them completely.

So far I haven't noted any emotional changes from cutting the dosage, other than that cutting out the provera completely seems to have allowed me to think more clearly. Unless, of course, that is just a place I managed to get to on my own.

Love and Peace,

Robyn (munching Ritz Bits)

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