4/27/98
SRU - Days Of Future Passed By Cabinessence
Note: This story is rated PG-13. It contains adult language,
brief nudity, and Barry Manilow.
Parental discretion is advised.
Donny Nichols was in a panic. It was his twentieth high school reunion
and he'd always liked to bring his copy of the yearbook to the reunion so
that he could match up the faces and names as they had changed over the
years. It would also help him remember them. But now after many moves
from all over the country, including some time abroad, he just couldn't find
it. He just had to find one somewhere, somehow to keep up the tradition.
Someone had mentioned that there was a shop called Spells R' Us that might
have a copy. He drove over to the mall and saw the sign Spells R' Us,
Costumes, Curios, & Collectibles. This had to be the place.
"Hi Donny, I understand you are looking for a yearbook for the class of
'76?"
Donny turned around an saw a old man in a bathrobe looking at him.
"How did you know my name and what I came in for?"
The old man had heard that one before and this time he was prepared.
"Someone from the Physic Friends Network left it on my answering
machine. 1976, that was a raucous time to be in High School. The good old
days before the scale."
"Right, I've heard about that."
"I helped them procure and install that device. Do you know that they
called me two days later and told me that they had found some bugs in the
system? So I went over there, turned out they were just students. Fools
couldn't read an instruction book. But not to worry, we had them all
changed back in time for finals."
"That's very interesting, but do you have the book? I am in a bit of a
hurry."
"Yes, I have one right here."
The old man gets the book from a shelf and puts it down on the counter
and blows off some dust from the top. Donny jumps away from it's
trajectory.
"Why did you do that? "
"I though that might be magic dust that would change me into a bimbo or
something. I've heard stories."
"No, it's just ordinary household dust. It might make you sneeze, but it
won't make you anything else.
Besides that's all idle gossip. I also never change anyone into a bimbo who
doesn't already show that tendency or richly deserves it. And Donny my boy,
you don't meet either category. "
"Thanks, I guess."
"Ah, the seventies. That was the time I joined Bimboholics Anonymous, a
wizard support group. We met each week to discuss other ways of extracting
revenge besides changing people into bimbos. It was also about that time I
had one of my sudden brushes with fame. I got a job supplying the costumes
for the Village People. It was a good thing I wasn't into bimbos at the
time or they might have been singing "YWCA"."
"I take it, it didn't work out."
"The cowboy never liked me and had me canned for no good reason. Still I
got my revenge. Ever seen the movie "Can't Stop The Music?" ."
"I see what you mean. So how much is the yearbook? "
"Oh ten bucks should do it."
"That's pretty cheap. By the way do you know who's it was?"
"Open it up and see the inscription."
Donny opened up the overleaf and saw written in a black Flair, "No
Regrets, Melissa Myers".
"Melissa Myers, I remember her. She died about a year after graduation.
Ended up in a car accident with a bunch of drunk fraternity guys. They
were all killed instantly."
"Yes. Her parents sold me some of her effects, they were too painful for
them to keep around the house."
"That's too bad."
"Don't feel too sad. I can sense her spirit is still alive inside
those covers. Those words "No Regrets' is the key. Maybe there are things
that you, yourself, wish would have turned out differently?"
"Well, most of my life could have turned out differently."
"But most of all you would have liked to have been married and have
kids by now."
" How did you know? Oh yeah the Physic Friends. Boy you sure get your
two bucks a minute worth."
"Yes, and we have Kreskin deliver our phone bills not Candance Bergen.
But as you were saying."
" Oh yeah, but you can't do that alone. But I imagine they'll be some
single woman there tonight who will feel their biological clock winding
down. After all we are pushing 40. If this book could help."
"Well, it couldn't hurt." said the old man trying to sound Jewish.
"Thanks, I'll take it, but I really have to go." said Donny as he paid
for the yearbook and scooped it up.
"Don't rush, after tonight you'll have a whole other lifetime to go
through." Said the old man with a chuckle as Donny quickly walked out the
door.
Donny hurried home and got dressed and made it there in time for
cocktail hour. Donny carried the yearbook with him and began to go over
names that he hadn't thought of in years. Looking at the pictures , he
wondered did they say smile, or look as much like a dork as you can when
they took them? There on page 66, were his two best friends from high
school, Jeremy Spencer and Mike Pender. Like him, they were both single and
childless, although Jeremy had been married three times and divorced just
as many. Soon thoughts became reality as his two old buddies suddenly
stood there beside him.
"Hey bro, how's my favorite Osmond brother?" said Mike extending
his hand.
"How long are you going to pull that shit? Twenty years should be
enough to come up with a better opening line." said Donny.
"Ah don't blame Mike, he's been spending most of the night doing
cellulite updates on all the women here." said Jeremy.
"Hey Donny is that a new yearbook? I didn't know they kept those
things in print. I notice it doesn't have the catchup stain from the last
reunion. " said Mike.
"No, it was Melissa Myers's. I found it at Spells R'Us." said
Donny.
"I guess yearbooks is a new line for him. It's not cursed or
anything? Being a dead girls yearbook and all." said Jeremy.
"No, but he said it might help with all the regrets we've had about
our lives. You guys have any regrets?" said Donny.
"What else?" said Mike as they all looked at each other.
"Women!!!!" they shouted in unison.
"Yeah, I noticed that Marci Andrews isn't here yet" said Donny.
"Well she isn't going to be here this year. She and Carl had another
row before they were to come here and from what I hear she's in bad shape.
The hauling business he took over from his dad hasn't been doing well
recently and he's been taking it out on her." said Jeremy.
"You know that guy is an OJ in training. I just hope she doesn't end
up like Nicole. She was just as beautiful with that long blonde hair and
beautiful smile." said Donny.
"And a great body, don't leave out the best part. Hey you two were
pretty chummy for awhile." said Jeremy.
"Yeah, but she only used me to help her with her homework. Besides when
have you heard of the head cheerleader going off with the class nerd? They
always fall for the jock. It's some kind of high school law. Now she's too
afraid to even leave him. She deserves someone who appreciates her and
with the money I got from my two years on the contract abroad, I could
afford to keep her in the style." said Donny.
"I also heard that the reason that they don't have any children yet is
that he made her have an abortion right after high school and it caused
hemorrhaging. I think wife number two told me that or was it number one.
Hell, the only way I tell them apart now is the amount on their alimony
checks." said Jeremy.
"Yeah, I heard that too. You know if I had one regret is that I didn't
try to stop her from making this big mistake. Maybe I could have found my
way into some of that empty space in her head and been able to knock some
sense into it. " said Donny.
"So Mike, what or who's your regret?" said Donny
" Hmm, you know I always wished that I could have ended up with Vanessa
Jones." said Mike.
"The black chick?' asked Jeremy.
"Hey a woman like that would be sexy even if her skin was turquoise.
What a body! And she was really smart, but she was into that whole black
power trip. It's a wonder she didn't change her name to Ulhura Abdula
Juzzefruit or something like that. She even had a "Don't Give Up The Funk"
bumper sticker plastered on the cover of her notebook. " said Mike.
"That's cool, so she was into Grand Funk Railroad." said Donny.
"I'm Getting Closer To My Homeeeeeeeeeeroom. " they all sang in unison.
"No it was P-Funk. You know George Clinton , Funkadelic, those guys.
They did "Tear The Roof Off this Sucker". Back then, I thought they meant a
Tootsie Pop. You remember that commercial about the guy who eats the top of
the Tootsie Roll pop in order to get to the center. " Said Mike.
"Well yeah, that kind of thinking could be expected from a guy into Barry
Manilow and the Captain and Tennille." said Jeremy.
"So what ever happened to her? I don't see her around either?" said
Donny.
"She got killed about five years ago. She married this sweet talking
black guy who was wearing all these gold chains and drove a flashy car.
Called himself Superfly Jr. or something. Turns out he was really a drug
dealer and they were both killed in retribution after a deal went sour. "
said Mike.
" I read about that in the paper. Yeah, so you'd think she'd be alive
today if she had succumbed to some of your hot Caucasian "Muskrat Love"?'
said Jeremy.
"Hey don't get smart. So what fabulous female roasted your walnettos
back then?" said Mike.
"Lois Cameron." said Jeremy.
"Lois Cameron? Now she was one weird chick. It didn't look like she
spent anytime on her appearance. And she always wore these baggy clothes so
you couldn't tell what was under there. Then she hardly spoke to anyone.
It was like she had a "Do Not Disturb" sign permanently attached to her
butt." said Mike.
"She just needed someone to give her some self esteem. I saw her once at
my parent's swim club, all wet and in a bikini, and she looked incredible.
She was just an ugly duckling who needed to be told that she was a
beautiful swan." said Jeremy.
"And you were just the guy to tell her that. You know I have always
wondered about that story. Here you have this bird who spend all his life
thinking that it was a duck and then suddenly it finds out that it is
really a swan. You are not going to tell me that this bird did not have any
deep psychological problems after that. I see a very serious identity
crisis here." said Mike.
"So what happened to her?" asked Donny ignoring Mike's diversion.
"She hitchhiked her way out to California about a year after graduation.
I don't think her parents could deal with her either. Last I heard she had
joined this cult that believes that John Lennon is the new Messiah." said
Jeremy.
"So finally he is bigger than Jesus." laughed Mike.
"I read an article in USA Today about them. They go around chanting
"Imagine" and "All You Need Is Love" as a mantra all day. They pointed out
that he predicted his own death in "The Ballad Of John and Yoko". They
believe that one day he'll come back on top of a flaming pie." said Donny.
"He should have come back before they did that lame "Free As A Bird".
If the Beatles had really reformed with something current, then maybe
music would become more palatable again. I would really have liked to seen
them do something that would have changed what is one the radio now. All I
hear now on the radio is just angry black men and bitchy white women." said
Mike.
"Yeah, I heard that they only let Alanis Morresette record on days
when she has PMS so that they can capture her natural bitchiness. " said
Donny.
"So yeah maybe, I could have made a positive influence on her life. I
could probably have fit her in between one of my wives. Probably could
have even married her instead of that mail order bride I had as number
three. You know once you screw with them you can't return them and what
else are you going to do with them. They seem to know only two words of
English "Buy me". So when you want to get rid of them, you have to pay
everything and alimony. I got two years of great sex, she gets a green card
and check from me every month. It just ain't fair. Women get all the
breaks." said Jeremy.
"Well, I guess we all do have our regrets about someone, but it's too
late now to change the past." said Donny.
Then suddenly a gust of wind blew in and a caused the pages of the
yearbook to start flipping wildly. Suddenly all three felt themselves being
sucked into yearbook and into a void of time and space that Carl Sagan used
to dream about. Then after the wind finally died down, the yearbook
vanished also. Strangely, no one noticed.
Rewind Twenty Years: Gratuitous PORKYS Memorial Shower Scene With
Nubile Naked Teenage Girls
When Donny became conscious again he felt weak and wet. Somehow he
was naked, matted long blonde hair was on his brow, and somehow he knew
he wasn't a he anymore. He looked at his reflection in the shiny metal pipe
and saw a teenage Marci Andrews staring back at him. Marci, the way he
always remembered her, way before all the pain that had ruined her future.
He looked down at his\her body. It was better than he had imagined in all
his adolescent masturbation fantasies. This had to be some kind of
hallucination. He reached down and twisted one of the large nipples on his
now protruding chest. It really hurt, this didn't seem to be a dream. He
looked over at Vanessa Jones and Lois Cameron in the showers across the way
and they both seemed to be just as confused. Suddenly the eyes of all three
met.
"What the???" they all said as the memories of the future were
overwhelmed by the thoughts of the present.
Fast Forward: That Afternoon After School.
Marci started to prepare for her study session with Donny. Somehow she
seemed to be seeing him through different eyes. She thought that Carl was
good looking and great in the sack or in the back room of his father's
business, but would that be enough to sustain her through life ? If she
would up with Carl, it was written in stone he'd take over his father's
business and she'd be left nothing to do but to be a wife and mommy. But
Donny was smart, he'd be going places. Life with him would have more
potential to be exciting. Who said that the cheerleader has to settle for
the star athlete? Probably the same guy who said that all the food in the
cafeteria had to taste the same. Besides with contacts and a better hair
style, Donny would be kind of cute.
Vanessa was walking home from school when she heard the radio blaring
from a car stopped at the light.
It was playing "Could It Be Magic" by Barry Manilow.
"Sweet Malisa, angel of my lifetime, answer to all answers I can find.
Could this be the magic at last?"
She had never paid attention to Barry Manilow before. Those lyrics
were cool. Maybe, she thought, there is room in this world for P-Funk and
Barry Manilow to both be cool. She was intrigued. Maybe she was to quick
to condemn "white bread" music. Not all white music could be as bad as
"Seasons In The Sun" or "Billy Don't Be A Hero". Then she remembered
there was this guy Mike who was into Barry Manilow. Maybe he could
recommend some stuff for her to listen to.
Lois was sitting alone in her bedroom wondering why she was always
alone. Why do I go out of my way to make my self unattractive?, she thought
I'm not happy being like this. All the guys in school act like I don't
exist except for that guy Jeremy and I treat him like shit. Then she looked
in the mirror on top of her vanity and thought, I really am pretty. I'm not
such an ugly duckling. A little makeup, a better wardrobe and more
personality, I could be a swan.
Fast Forward : One Year Later - Warning The Paradox Begins Big Time
Donny couldn't believe how lucky he was. He had a full scholarship to
State College and Marci Andrews had agreed to be his bride. He wanted to
wait til after graduation to get married, but she didn't want to. She was so
beautiful and being with her made him feel complete somehow. Who was he to
argue? One thing puzzled him, why did she insist on inviting Melissa Myers?
They were never friends in high school, but he loved her so much that she
could have invited Attila The Hun and he wouldn't have argued.
Fast Forward: Two Months Later - For All You Paradox Fans
Melissa Myers didn't understand why she had been invited to Marci
Andrews's wedding. But who was she to question it, it was a party with free
food and booze. And she was a party girl. So on the night that she was to
die in a terrible accident, Melissa Myers was sitting in the sixth row of
the Seventh And A Half Advent Church watching Marci Andrews walk down
the aisle. She was even given a ride home by Donny's friend Jeremy who
remained sober and dateless for the night. All he could think about was Lois
Cameron who a month before, after being told that she had a look the world
was waiting for, had left him to go to Paris and pursue a career in
modeling. She said she needed to spread her wings and find out who she
really was.
In the third row of the church were Vanessa and Mike. It wasn't easy
being an interracial couple, but as Mike would tell everyone, they were in
love and love would keep them together. Three years later they too would
be married.
Fast Forward: December 8, 1980 - A Day That Will No Longer Live In Infamy
Mike wasn't surprised that Vanessa wanted to spend their honeymoon in
New York City, he just wondered why they were wondering around Central
Park so late at night. As they reached the Dakota, a long black limousine
passed by them and stopped at the gate. The door opened.
"Do you know who that is? That's why you dragged me out here at this
hour. " said Mike.
"Mr. Lennon" a voice soon to be known as Marc David Chapman rang
through the night.
"Mr. Lennon." cried Mike at almost the same instant as he bolted towards
the limo with Vanessa not too far behind.
Marc David Chapman stopped what he had planned to do for a second while
he looked to see where the cry was coming from. Feeling that it was now or
never, he raised his gun to fire. From his blind side came Vanessa pulling
a can of mace from out of her purse and spraying it in the face of the
assassin as he aimed his gun. The shots went wild striking the gate of the
Dakota. The assassin tried to run, but was tackled by the Dakota security
guards. A copy of the Catcher In The Rye fell out of his pocket.
"That was a very brave thing you did my dear." said a still shaken
Lennon.
"I don't know what came over me. I just did what I did." said Vanessa.
"I feel a very strange aura coming from her Karma. I must talk about
this with my astrologist" said Yoko.
"You saved me life. Is there anything that I can do for you?" said John.
"Could you get the Beatles back together again? I mean my husband and I
both love your music, but the Beatles were magical." said Vanessa.
"Look honey I know I've said that I wish I had been old enough to see
the Beatles live, but that's too much to ask of Mr. Lennon. Oh my gosh
it's it's John Lennon." said Mike beginning to babble.
"I know that already, thanks. But getting the Beatles back together, how
can you reheat a soufflŽ?" said John.
"Still your leftovers would be better than most of today's fresh
sounds. Just one thing don't let them record Free As A Bird." said Vanessa
not even realizing why she'd even said it.
"How did you know about that 'un? The help must be stealing me
cassettes again to sell to the bootleggers. Don't worry I never even
finished it, it was too wimpy even for Paul. But you know I will ring up
the lads. It might be good to see what we can do together now that we are
no longer lads." said John.
Fast Forward One Year - Madison Square Garden - The Beatles First
Reunion Concert Together
Vanessa was enjoying her over fifteen minutes of fame as the woman who
saved the life of John Lennon. People magazine had done a story on her and
Entertainment Tonight was filming her as she, Mike, and her friends were the
guests of the Beatles for their first public concert in almost fifteen years.
Donny and his wife Marci were seated next to them, having left their young
son Marty home with Marci's parents. They were so happy to be parents and
didn't want to leave the little guy, but who could turn down tickets to see the
Beatles? Jeremy sat next to Marci. He had just broken up with Melissa Myers,
so the show would really serve to cheer him up. The Beatles opened up with
"I Saw Her Standing There" and never let up. John remarked it was the first
time on stage he could hear himself and the crowd. Still there were some
women in the audience with fifteen years of suppressed screams to let out. The
biggest screams were for the finale when Elton John joined the grown-up
lads on keyboards for a finale of "Get Back".
In a hotel in Paris, Lois watched the news reports of the show. Her
modeling career was successful and she had plenty of rich suitors, but she
felt homesick when her former classmates appeared on the screen. She
especially felt something for Jeremy, standing there all lost and all
alone. Somehow she knew that one day she would return.
Fast Forward - Spring 1991
Lois was as about as down as she could be. She had been wined and
dined across three continents. She had a box of sparkling trinkets that
various lovers had bought for her over the years. But as the song goes,
money can't buy you love. Her marriage with an Italian count was in ruins
after she caught him with an eighteen year old bimbo. Being 33 and a third
may be good for a record album, but for a model she was almost over the
hill. And like CD's replacing vinyl, Lois was finding herself being
replaced by younger faces on the catwalk. She felt the best thing was to
pick her life back up again and head home.
A few months later sitting at a bar, she ran into Jeremy drowning his
sorrow over his latest failed romance in a bottle of beer. They were two
lost souls finally coming together on the highway of life. Somehow they
knew that they should be together. They were married in less than a year.
Now all three men had finally married the woman of their dreams, as well as
becoming them.
The Present Again - Reunion Class Of 1976
All three couples were seated at a table together at the reunion.
Anyone who passed by could tell they were all still so much in love.
Jeremy held hands with his wife Lois who was expecting their first child.
Vanessa showed everyone with patience all the pictures of their girl and
boy. She never regretted marrying outside of her race. So many of the black
men she had crushes on in high school were either dead now or in jail.
Marci and Donny were the proud parents of three. Their eldest Marcia was
there tonight with the glee club to lead the singing of the 1976 class
song. Marcia had some problems in school, but the scale had solved them.
The counselors at school explained that she just had problems getting in
touch with herself.
Soon the class rose for it's song: "Don't Dream It: Be It" from the
Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Back in the shop the old man sang along too. He had always loved that
show and he could still cut a pretty mean Time Warp. He thought "For ten
dollars you salvaged seven lives, created a few more and even reunited the
greatest rock band of all time. You got quite a lot for your ten dollars
Donny". Some may feel that he is evil, but they could never call him a
swindler. "Yes, Donny I'd say you got quite a bargain."
Turning away, the old man felt an itch coming on to do another of his
trademark bimbo transformations. He noticed in the paper that the Village
People had reunited and were coming into town. He wondered how the
cowboy would like to be known as "Calamity Jane".
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