4/27/89
SRU: Don't Be Cruel - The Old Man And Elvis!!!!
by Cabinessence
Jennifer Sparks was just about to turn thirty. It wasn't so much the
passing of youth that worried her, but the fact that most of her friends
from school were already married and raising kids. If running into them
all the time here at the mall with their growing broods weren't enough,
she also had to contend with the daily rumblings of her mother on the phone
asking as to why she didn't have grandchildren yet. It wasn't her fault
that she was an only child and that she hadn't yet met Mister Right. If she
had had a sibling , maybe the obligation to continue the family line
wouldn't be that strong. If she had been successful in choosing her own
gentleman callers or was better looking, then maybe she also wouldn't have
had to seek professional help in finding a man and joined this dating
service. At least they promised her a chance for a date a week, and they
would try to find someone compatible. However, all they could actually
guarantee was that he would have a Y chromosome , a penis, and be able to
breathe on his own.
The dating service's office was near the mall, so she decided to go
and look for a new dress to wear on her anticipated dates. On her way over
to TJ MAXX, she saw the sign for Spells R' Us. She had heard that the old
man there could make anybody into a beautiful woman. Maybe if she was
more
attractive, it would help her snare the right man for a husband.
"Hello Jennifer." said the old man as she entered.
"How did you know my name?"
"A little birdie told me." And as if on cue a small parakeet flew in
squawking "Jennifer, Jennifer".
"Wow he's cute."
"Yes, I think he's a lot cuter in this form"
The bird starts squawking "Polly wants to go to McDonalds, Polly wants
a Big Mac."
"Look Edgar, I changed you into a bird hoping that you'd learn how to
eat like a bird and be able to lose some weight. Now go fly off and eat
some seeds and leave me and this nice young lady alone." The bird then flew
out the window. "Now I understand you are having problems finding the right
man."
"Yeah, I was wondering if you could make me beautiful. I heard your
specialty is changing people into looking like big breasted bimbos. Maybe
if I was sexier, men would want me more."
"Is that what you really want? I could change you into a beautiful big
breasted woman, but the exterior would only serve to mask the true beauty
inside. Men wouldn't see past your boobs to see the soul within. That's
not the type of person you want in a life's partner."
"I see what you mean, I once dated this guy Eddie who was just into
breasts. He soon left me for someone with more cleavage. But I really need
some help, when it comes to men I am all thumbs and that's not the finger
they are going to slip a ring on."
"I agree you need some help with men and it just so happens I am running
a little promotion that may be of some use to you. As you may be aware that
this week marks the twentieth anniversary of the death of Elvis Presley. I
don't know why people want to go to all the trouble to celebrate the fact
that he has been dead twenty years, but they do. I can only guess that they
will be even more ecstatic when he has been dead twenty five years. But
anyway, not one to miss out on a great opportunity, I had a few of these
made up."
The old man reached under the counter and pulled out a CD entitled
"Spells R' Us Tribute To The King: A Limited Edition Commemorative CD."
It had a picture on the cover of the booklet of Elvis smiling with his arm
around a slightly younger old man.
"You knew Elvis?"
"Well who do you think put that lightening bolt in his TCB ring? A tricky
spell that one. You see in the late sixties, I ran a little costume factory
and Elvis was one of my clients. I created his first gold lame suit. Had
this girl who worked for me who could do wonders with gold and a spinning
wheel. However, I also had this foreman who kept harassing her. What was
his name Rumpleforskin, Rubert Steinskeet? Damn, usually I am so good with
names. Anyway, she soon quit because of him and went to work for Nudie out
in L.A. and he soon got all the Elvis business. Now of course, he's the
one who is given all the credit for designing that gold suit. Between
Elvis and the Village People, I have given up designing costumes for rock
stars."
"But how is Elvis going to help me?"
"Elvis, as we all know, knew lots of women. But he only married one
woman, Priscilla. That's because he was able to recognize his one true love
amidst all the debauchery that surrounded him. And he will through this CD
help you to find your own true love also."
"How will he do that?"
"There are ten tracks on this CD. Start playing the first track "Don't
Be Cruel" and then put the CD player on random play and leave the room. If
the CD plays "Love Me Tender, Love Me True", you will know that you have
found Mr. Right. If you come back and it plays "Are You Lonesome
Tonight?", you will still be left alone and looking. "
"Okay, I hope it works. And I guess Elvis was a good judge of creeps
too, since he surrounded himself with a whole bunch of them."
"Just don't leave the CD playing all night or you may develop a sudden
craving for fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches."
"So how much is it?"
"It's just a promotion for the store and RCA records. Enjoy it with my
compliments."
"Thank you." And Jennifer walked out the door and looked at what songs
were on the CD. The track listing didn't look out of the ordinary, just a
bunch of his usual hits.
Don't Be Cruel
Teddy Bear
Burning Love
Little Sister
(You Ain't Nothing But A) Hound Dog
Are You Lonesome Tonight?
Viva Las Vegas (special Spells R' Us remix)
In The Ghetto
(You're The) Devil In Disguise
Return To Sender
The dating service soon called and set her up with this salesman named
John for Friday night. When she opened the door, she saw that he was much
too good looking to ever fall for her. He was also driving a car that
probably cost as much as her townhouse. She was already impressed, but she
would follow the old man's advice and let Elvis decide if he was truly Mr.
Right. So she had John wait for her on the couch in the living room as she
started to play the CD as she was instructed to do. She then went upstairs
to freshen up.
John sat on the couch figuring that he had another easy mark. These
lonely hearts from this dating service were the easiest scores he ever had.
Hey, so what if they weren't as good looking as the broads he was used to,
it was a sure lay. He'd show them a little attention, a nice dinner and
then he got to eat his dessert in bed. And of course all chicks digged the
car, it was worth it's weight in pussy. This one seemed to be the same as
all the others, so he was pretty confident that he would soon be spending
the night with her in bed . As he was lost in thought, the CD changed to
the next song.
"Baby let me be me your loving teddy bear."
What a hokey old song, John thought. Then suddenly he felt strange. Why
had he made reservations for a big meal at a fancy restaurant, when he felt
so stuffed? But then again he hadn't eaten that much all day. Then he
noticed his body was suddenly being covered by a thick brown fuzz as he
started to shrink. He then started to panic and tried to get up from the
couch, but found himself frozen in a sitting position. Then as the song
ended, he felt as if his whole world had become frozen.
When Jennifer came downstairs, there was no sign of John to be found.
Just a big stuffed teddy bear with a note next to it. Jennifer picked up
the bear and read the note.
"Sorry, but it wouldn't work out, but keep this bear as a reminder of
what might have been. John."
As she looked at the bear, the CD started playing "Are You Lonesome
Tonight?".
"Well Mr. Bear, you are sooo cute I don't think I will be lonesome
tonight. I am going to take you to bed to snuggle up with me. I hope you
come with condoms."
She laughed as she brought the bear up to her bedroom. Somewhere deep
inside, in some bizarre way, John realized he still hadn't lost his touch.
Even as a teddy bear, he was going to spend the night in bed with the girl
on their first date.
The next date was with a big burly blonde redneck truck driver. The
tattoos on his arms were even scarier than he was. Still he seemed like a
good old country boy and Elvis was a good old country boy so maybe he
would be partial to this guy. Jennifer hoped not. But she but the CD in the
player and went upstairs to await the decision.
Bo sat on the couch as the song switched to "In The Ghetto". He
hoped she wouldn't take long, because he was starved and wanted to head
right out to dinner. Bo liked Elvis's music, but he wondered why he had to
do a song that was so sympathetic to the Negro. He saw no use for them
except as criminals and drug users. He had told the dating service that he
only wanted to date good Christian white women. As he sat there, he began
to feel a chill. Then he felt his body start to fade away as his soul
drifted towards some unknown destination.
"As the snow flies, on a cold and gray Chicago morn and another baby
child is born in the ghetto."
Bo soon found himself reborn as a black baby boy on the south side of
Chicago to a unwed thirteen year old mother. All he could do when he
realized what had happened was cry.
When Jennifer came back downstairs, she saw that Bo had gone. She was
relieved. From out of the speakers Elvis asked if she was lonesome tonight,
but at least at that moment she was glad that she was.
The next date was with a video supply manager named Jerry who wasn't
at all attracted to Jennifer, although she thought that he was kind of
cute. After she left, he thought that when she got back, he would say that
it was nice to have met her and that he wasn't feeling well and had to go
home. Then he would be spared another dead end expensive evening. It was
then he noticed what the CD was playing.
"Burn, burn, burn. I feel my temperature rising. Help me baby my
fever's a 109."
Jerry soon felt the room get very hot as he felt extremely ill and
weak. He put his hand to his forehead, he was burning up. He knew he was
going to feign illness to get out of the date, but this was going too far.
He felt like he was going to soon faint dead away. He just did manage to
get the energy to call up to Jennifer for help. Jennifer ran down the
stairs to find Jerry moaning on the floor. She called 911, and they took
him away in an ambulance after the paramedics found that his temperature
had somehow climbed to a very dangerous 109.
Her next date was with a bank manager named Stu. He also seemed to be
real nice, but Elvis seemed to be making the right decisions for her, so
she would continue to leave it up to him. So she left Stu on the couch as
the CD played and she went upstairs. Stu thought that Jennifer was cute,
but she didn't seem to be a girl who was out just to have some fun and he
liked party girls. He also liked his woman a little younger and a lot
bustier. He may seem to be a little superficial, but he was in this dating
scene to have fun and hopefully some sex. He wasn't looking to be tied down
anytime soon. As he sat there, the music on the CD changed.
'Little sister don't you do what your big sister done."
Soon Stu felt strange. He felt himself getting weaker, smaller, he felt
his slightly balding hair starting to grow out fuller. He didn't know what
was happening, but he knew he would have to cancel his membership in the
hair club for men. Then he noticed his chest swelling out into the
familiar double orb configuration. His clothes changed to match his body's
new contours. He soon found himself wearing a dark low cut halter top with
a bare midriff and very short black skirt. Panicking, he got up from the
couch and looked in the mirror in the hallway. The image that stared back
at him was that of a teenage slut, one with an incredible body that wasn't
ashamed to let everybody know it. He looked at his/her face and somehow he
thought that the image looked eerily familiar, like a younger and sexier
version of his date for tonight. He turned around as he heard Jennifer
coming back down the stairs as the music changed.
"Michelle, did you frighten my date away?"
"Listen Jen, maybe when he saw a real meal deal like me standing
here, he realized why should he be wasting his time going after leftovers
like you. So he split. Or maybe it's this awful music you are playing?
Don't you have anything from this lifetime? Put on some Puff Daddy or
Oasis. Get hip big sis and maybe then you'd see more action."
"I don't want to hear this now." Jennifer quickly ran to the window,
but it appeared to be too late. There was not a trace of the old Stu left.
"Hey, you are just jealous because I got the boobs in the family. And
also I like to have fun. Do you remember fun, Jen ? Get out, go to some
clubs. Hey what's wrong with that?"
"Nothing, but I won't go around looking like some cheap tramp on the
make. You won't see me pulling my panties down for every cute guy I see."
"Well I'd rather wake up with someone next to me than be alone every
night. I am not going to end up an old maid paying some stupid dating
service to help find me a man. You can be sure that this little sister is
not going to be caught doing what her big sister done."
"Michelle just drop it. Hell it's a wonder you aren't pregnant yet so
Mom would get off my case."
"I may be reckless, but I'm also careful. Hell I'm more worried about
getting some damn disease than a baby. Well I've got to go sis, the night
is still young. Your date may have split but mine are out there waiting.
They just don't know yet that they are waiting for me. Ta ta sister dear."
And with that Jennifer's new little sister Michelle walked out the door and
into her new life.
Her next date was with Walter. He was an accountant. When Jennifer
looked at him, he seemed as exciting as the evening that he had planned for
them, a lecture on "Accounting Deficits In Papua And New Guinea And Their
Far Reaching Effects". He was a small, dull, rotund, sad eyed man that
when he sat down on the couch , he looked so at home that he could be happy
just staying there all night. Jennifer put on the CD and said she would
be right back. She was hoping again that Elvis wouldn't choose him.
Walter knew that he was a loser, but he wanted so much to find some
one to love. He was desperate, that's why he joined the dating service. He
wanted to find other desperate people like him. Without love, he felt like
a failure as a human being. Somehow he had a feeling that Jennifer
wouldn't want him, but maybe if he played his cards right he'd at least
have a new friend and maybe get a good night kiss. While he was waiting he
noticed that the music had changed.
"You ain't nothing but a hound dog, crying all the time."
Walter loved oldies and just sat there listening to the song. The
music was so soothing that he just decided to curl up on the couch. He felt
so tired and relaxed that he didn't even notice that he was growing a tail,
his skin was now getting looser and was being covered with a light brown
fur, and his hands were slowly turning into paws. After the song changed ,
he heard Jennifer running downstairs. Walter lifted his head up, and tried
to stand but found he could only stand up on his four legs. He looked down
at himself and realized that now he was somehow a dog. He tried to say
something to Jennifer, but all he could do was whimper and howl.
"Calm down boy, how did you get you get in here?" She turned and saw
the front door was slightly ajar. The dog must have run in when her date
left. "Well it's starting to get dark, so you will just have to stay here
tonight and we'll go look for your owner in the morning. "
Once again Elvis asked if she was lonesome tonight. She picked the dog
up in her arms and answered.
"I don't think so tonight, Elvis. Isn't that right boy? " And she
hugged the scared little hound dog and kissed him on the forehead. Walter
returned the favor and started licking her face.
"I really hope no one claims you, I really like you fella."
Somewhere deep inside Walter finally felt loved. Maybe he needed to
become a dog to achieve it, he certainly felt happier. If he got to stay
with Jennifer this definitely would be one hound dog who wouldn't be crying
all the time.
Jennifer was starting to get impatient with the dating service. They
had sent over all these men for a date, but she hadn't even gotten out the
door with any of them. The next guy sent up to bat was Matthew. He was a
computer geek and could rightfully be classified as a sensitive new age
guy. He was cute, but not very handsome. He also seemed to be very nice and
he had even brought her roses. Somehow in her heart she hoped that this
one would be her match made in Graceland. She put on the CD and instead of
playing Don't Be Cruel first, it skipped directly to Love Me Tender. As
the song played, Jennifer froze as Matthew got up and took her into his
arms. He looked into her eyes as Elvis sang instructions to never let her
go. They both knew it was right as their lips met and their passion became
one. Their kiss lasted well through the end of the song and the next song
played was not "Are You Lonesome Tonight?", but "Viva Las Vegas". As
their lips parted, they opened their eyes and found themselves in the Elvis
Marriage Chapel in Las Vegas. An Elvis impersonator in a priest's outfit
stood before them with a bible in his hand. Jennifer looked deeply into
Matthew's eyes as the ceremony was about to begin.
"Oh my darling I love you and I always will. I only wish that the real
Elvis and the old man from the shop were here so I could show them my
gratitude."
But from his shop the old man knew what had been transpiring. He was
glad that Jennifer had finally found true happiness. "Thank you, thank you
very much", the old man said with a curl in his lip. It was late and he was
about to close up shop for the night. So he turned off the lights and then:
THE OLD MAN HAS LEFT THE BUILDING.
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