6/26/99
IDEALS
By Scott K. Jamison
(Spells R Us created by Bill Hart)
This story may be posted on any free site.
Victor Redford had a problem. It wasn't his looks. At just over 6'
tall, and muscular in proportion to his size, the Renton College junior
was able to turn his blond hair, baby blue eyes and ruggedly handsome
face to best advantage.
It wasn't his grades. Like most of the football team, the young
halfback was enrolled in a less than challenging curriculum, and since
he actually did have half a brain, he didn't even need a tutor that
often.
It wasn't even his future. Even if, God forbid, he was horribly
injured and could never play football again, his father's chain of car
dealerships had a cushy job lined up for Victor. And he'd proven to be
a pretty good salesman, too, during his summer jobs. Especially to the
women.
And there was the problem. Women. Not that Victor had any trouble
attracting them, mind you, but keeping them, that was a different
matter.
For Victor was the sort of fellow who, having once sampled the favors
of a woman, grew bored with her. This had not been a problem before
now; there had always been another attractive young lady available when
he lost interest in the last one.
But now, in his junior year at college, Victor discovered that he'd run
out of viable options. There was, of course, the large number of women
in the school that he'd loved and left. They were out of the question.
Then there were women who didn't meet his "standards" of beauty and
personality. He wasn't going to lower himself to them. There were a
fair number of attractive girls that weren't currently single; tempting,
but Victor valued his popularity with the other fellows too much to
poach.
And, as he'd discovered over the last month, there was a growing number
of women at Renton who knew his reputation, and had no intention of
being his latest conquest. He had, in fact, just gotten off the phone
with the last of them on his list.
"Stuck-up bitch." He punched his dartboard with the logo of rival
Osgood Academy square in the bullseye. "I'm going out," Victor called
to his roommate Aqi. The foreign exchange student (a fullback) nodded
and waved.
As he left the campus, Victor saw a gaggle of geeks heading over to the
computer labs. Bunch of losers. Everyone knew it was the football
program that kept Renton afloat, but often pathetic skinny wimps like
those would whine about athletes pushing them around.
Victor briefly considered giving them a hard time, but decided against
it. It was just too easy, besides, he was in search of something else.
The mall near Renton was dinky, but sometimes you could find teenage
girls from the town strolling around. Some of them were even worth
looking at. And Victor knew it was a snap for a college guy to score
with one.
But apparently, Thursday night was an off one for girlhunting. The
only women he saw were past school age, or accompanied by other men.
Since one of Victor's requirements was relative youth, he wasn't
interested in thrilling some "old bag."
Then he saw it. "Spells R Us." He'd heard of it, of course, but he'd
always dismissed it as an urban legend. Magic didn't really exist,
right?
But there the store was, exactly as described. Victor walked through
the open door, and the bell above it tinkled a bit as the door closed.
"Welcome, Victor!" This was an old man in a tacky robe standing behind
the counter.
"You must be the wizard," deadpanned Victor. "And no, I don't want to
be turned into a girl."
The old man smiled. "I see word is getting out. Very well, I promise
that if you follow directions on whatever you buy, you won't be turned
into a woman."
"And no giving confusing instructions, or ones that can't be followed,"
Victor responded. He'd heard stories that indicated the wizard could be
pretty tricky.
The old man's smile faded, as if he'd been caught with extra cards up
his sleeve. "Oh, all right, I promise that too. So, what *can* I do
for you today?"
Victor thought for a moment. "I need some new girls to be on campus,
ones that meet my standards."
"Ah. I see. High standards, eh?" The wizard put his finger alongside
his nose. "Let's see what I have in stock." A large file folder
appeared, and the wizard started leafing through it.
"Item 36-24-34, that should do it...be right back." The wizard ducked
behind a curtain, then reappeared holding something about the size of a
spray can.
"This should tickle your fancy. The Ideal Woman Gas Grenade."
"Say what?" The word "grenade" brought up unpleasant connotations in
Victor's mind.
"Oh, don't worry, it's perfectly harmless to you if used as directed.
What you do is pull the pin and throw it into an enclosed space. The
gas comes out, and whoever breathes it takes on the physical properties
and personality of their ideal woman."
"That's it? But wouldn't that affect me too?"
"I'd suggest you wait outside the enclosed area. The gas settles in
three minutes, so it will be safe to enter after that."
This was definitely something Victor was interested in. Just toss it
in, wait three minutes, and *poof*, a whole bunch of ideal babes just
waiting for him to sweep them off their feet. "How much?"
"$350.95. And yes, I take checks."
Victor couldn't wait to sign the check. Afterwards, he checked the
directions on the side of the grenade and discovered they were the same.
"Thanks, old guy."
"No, thank *you* Victor."
Victor was surprised to see how late it was when he got out of the
mall, so he called it a night and went home, making sure to hide the
grenade where Aqi wouldn't touch it.
After classes and team practice the next day, Victor went looking for a
good opportunity to use the grenade. He didn't want to transform any of
his friends or teammates by accident, so that ruled out several
possiblities. Then he saw the perfect place.
Half-a-dozen geeks were walking into a room advertising something
called an "Anime Club". Victor didn't know what this "A-neem" was, but
judging by the drawing of a busty woman on the poster, it had something
to do with lust.
No one would miss a bunch of brain-heavy losers like that, especially
after reality rewrote itself like he'd heard it did with SRU spells.
Victor looked both ways to make sure the hallway was clear, then
strolled up to the door. The room was dark, and he could hear music
being sung in some foreign language. "Great. I wonder if they'll all
come out with French accents?" He pulled the pin, tossed in the
grenade, and slammed the door shut.
There was a hissing noise from inside, followed by intense coughing,
and pounding on the door. But Victor was leaning against it, and the
pounding soon stopped.
Just to be safe, Victor waited a full four minutes before opening the
door.
Inside, where there had once been half a dozen pasty-faced nerds, there
were now six gorgeous girls. There was a short redhead (with a pigtail
that curled up at the end) wearing a red shirt and black slacks; a
slightly taller redhead in what looked like a Catholic school girls'
uniform in red, white and blue; a very tall brunette with a ponytail,
wearing another uniform, this one with a green skirt, and a funny-
looking tiara thingie with an antenna; A green-haired girl (Green!?)
wearing nothing but a tiger-striped bikini; A platinum blonde with dark
skin and funky face tattoos, and a purple-haired girl in a Chinese
dress. All of them were young, pretty and amply endowed, just the way
he liked them.
The girls looked slightly confused, feeling themselves over and
checking their clothes in a way Victor found incredibly erotic. He
moved into the room, ready to apply his considerable charms.
The next day, a considerably more battered-looking Victor staggered
into the Spells R Us store. His hair was still standing up straight,
and he gave off a slight burnt odor. He hoped the swelling of his
bruises would go down soon.
"Old man! I want my money back!"
The old man smiled. "Whatever for? It turned men into their ideal
women, just as promised."
"Yeah, but none of them were attracted to me. In fact, they all beat
me up! And lightning bolts, for God's sake!"
"You've obviously forgotten the most important thing about a man's
ideal woman."
Victor blinked, then winced. With his black eyes, that hurt. "Huh?
Big breasts?"
"No."
"Nymphomania?"
"No, but you're getting warmer."
Victor tried to think, but the pounding in his head was too intense.
"I give. What's the most important thing?"
"That she be attracted to men like him, not men he dislikes."
Victor felt one of those lightbulbs go on in his head. Or maybe he was
just still seeing stars. "You mean...?"
The old man smiled. "Yes. You've just improved the dating prospects
of geeky anime fans on campus by 200%."
FIN
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