Be upbeat she said. I don’t know if I can. I’m afraid. I’ve been afraid for several years. I’ve been denying a part of myself. This part creeps into my dreams, comes to me in my waking hours in subtle ways. I’m afraid of that part of me, and what will happen if I explore it.
 
 

I stand at a fork in the road. Loiter actually. I’ve been here for several years, as I’ve said. Only one fork has a sign, ‘Unhappiness’. The other has only a symbol, an ancient glyph. The Dragon. ‘There be Monsters’ is how the ancient mariners would mark the maps for the unexplored seas. The Dragon, the unknown.
 
 

My choice is laid out before me, and I’m afraid. I do not believe myself in spirit to be who I am in flesh, my body is a lie, and my mirrors are instruments in this deception. This is not the famed generation-x angst, this is true pain and confusion. I don’t avoid this due to laziness. I hesitate because on the path of the unknown I fear I may be forced to lay down all that I hold dear: my friends; my family; my job; and the woman whom I love more deeply than I could have imagined possible. It may be that I bring upon myself excommunication from my community, and make myself a target for those who would destroy all they do not understand.
 
 

Knowing the worst, what is there to gain? The unknown does not promise happiness, but the other path ensures that there is none. Standing here, at the fork, I watch time roll by, while I’m caught in this terrible struggle to take action.
 
 

The romantic in me must believe that through the trials, at the end of the long journey, there is all that could be hoped for in life. I only need to muster the courage to begin.

Sep 98
Lynn