13-Oct-01
Now, I have started a new file just for this. For two months now, I have had basically nothing to say. Now what brilliant things will start pouring forth from me? Hah! Don't hold your breath.
The famous therapist question: How do I FEEL?
Early September, I watched the news of the World Trade Center collapse. I don't think I'll ever see another such historically significant event in my life. I just kept thinking someone just kicked a hornet's nest. They did not terrify America, they PISSED the U.S. off. That's a bad idea.
All that made being unemployed seem trivial. All the folks I care for were all right. THAT's what mattered to me.
Now, there are bombings in Afganistan and letters carrying Anthrax. I have this sick feeling of uncertainty, the same I had at the beginning of the Gulf War.
I am 30, and I served my 6 years of service in the military. I am exempt from being drafted, regardless of still being legally male. What concerns me now is that the youth I work with are NOT exempt. The military will kick you out if you're gay in times of peace, but have stated that being gay will not prevent you from being drafted. that is the biggest crock of SHIT I've ever heard. The FUCKING hypocracy of it makes me want to puke.
Well... My savings are dwindling, and I have no job prospects in sight. I sleep to much, which I tend to do when I'm not employed. Something of an energy conservation mode.
I got the results back from a sleep study I had in September. I have apneas in all positions, so I'm scheduled for another study in December with a CPAP machine. Joy.
While I had a brief hope that I'd be at a five hour clearing and dropping fast, what actually happened is another spurt of hair growth, and I'm back to NOT clearing in one session. Not even close.
I'd like to thank two special readers (Dwayne and Tara) who took a few minutes to remind me that I needed to get off my ass and get this diary back up and running. In the midst of my current unemployment, I have slipped into a lethargy and neglected my writing. In the silence, I find it easy to believe that I'm doing this all just for my own record keeping; that no one out there reads it... that no one cares. Tara, I hope anything I've written has helped.
I'm only human, and I'm afraid I have been pretty down lately. My sense of self worth is strongly tied to my ability to carry my own weight. I've pretty much provided for myself since I was a minor. Being unable to do so as an adult doesn't sit well with me. It makes me feel worthless. I also think I've been hiding those feelings from everyone but NB. I don't want to burden others with my problems. Everyone I know has enough problems of their own.
Well. I think that's it for this evening. My brain just shut down.