Two years ago I began the long and difficult process of gender transition. I
was born male, but never fit in, because in my mind, I was female. As is
often the case with transsexuals, I hid who I was to be accepted.

After moving to St. Louis about 8 years ago, I joined an organization called
the St. Louis Gender Foundation. The StLGF is an organization for
transvestites and transsexuals... anyone with gender variance, really. I had
a horrible time accepting that I could be a transvestite, which is how I
thought of myself at the time. As I got to know many of the other ladies
there, I learned to accept myself more, but also learned that I was not a
transvestite like the majority of them. I couldn't put my feminine side away
for all but a few times every month. The more expression I gave to my
feminine side, the more it demanded, eventually accepting that it was who I
truly was inside. I finally faced the hard decision of beginning gender
transition.

I can say that more so than the medical and legal issues, and pain from
electrolysis, the worst part of transition is the feelings of loneliness and
isolation. Just as it was for me, most transsexuals lose the support of
family and friends, and within the span of months, their previous life
crumbles right when they need support the most. The worst of it was
losing my spouse and best friend of 6 years. I didn't really expect her to
remain with her husband as 'he' became a 'she', but that didn't take away
the pain.

January of last year, a few months before the finalization of my divorce, I
met someone at the StLGF, who I will call NB. He is a female-to-male
transsexual, transitioning in the opposite direction as I am. He was
incredibly masculine, even before hormone therapy had a chance to change
him. NB was polite, but quiet. Getting him to converse was like pulling
teeth, but after our initial introduction, we exchanged e-mails, and I found
him to be very articulate, intelligent, and humorous. I made it a project to
see if I could draw him out of his shell.

Within a month, we had gone on several 'dates', and I think he was quickly
developing a crush on me. I didn't want to commit to a relationship so soon
after coming out of a failed marriage that I thought would last a lifetime.
Moreover, I really didn't know where my sexual orientation was anymore. I
could not stand being a male in my sexual expression, but I was still
somewhat attracted to women, and had a growing attraction to men.

Against my fears, I found myself more attracted to NB. Over the next several
months, we watched ourselves and each other change under the influence of
hormones. I was softening, developing breasts, and learning to let myself
express who I truly was. He was masculinizing, getting hairy, and his voice
was deepening. Whatever blend of genders he represented seemed to work for
me. By the end of last summer, he moved in with me.

For the past year, he has been the one there to hold me and comfort me when
I cry, to laugh with me, to share my meals and go on walks with me. He is my
friend and partner. We have shared the pains of our transitions together,
and have shared the joy of travelling a path toward bringing our minds and
bodies into congruency. Who could ever appreciate what I'm going through
more than him? Who could ever have better eyes to see past the lie of my
body to the woman within? We each strive to find our perfect partner, and by
sheer serendipity, I have been granted just that. I will never know how much
it meant to me to have him there in my darkest days. That gift is beyond
price.

To our mutual surprise and delight, what we have is working. I have days
when I wake up and feel somewhat like I'm living out a Jerry Springer
episode, but just because my life isn't the prototypical model of the
American Dream, doesn't mean that it's wrong or can't work. We are all
granted gifts in our life, and sometimes we are unaware of their importance
to us until they're gone. I am doing my best not to let that happen, not to
take his love for granted, and not forget how very special he is.

While I am living full time as a female now, and comfortable in my new
gender role, I feel obligated to protect the privacy of my partner, and my
ex-wife. However, I am more than happy to correspond under my pseudonym,
Lynn Lefey. Feel free to e-mail me at lynnlefey@hotmail.com
and visit my website at www.oocities.org/lynnlefey/