December 1, 1998

Coming out...

Yes, it's the sole goal and basis of life. Coming out for transgendered people is something that is inevitable and must happen sooner or later for them to retain sanity. It is a very tough thing though. I have tried once and failed with real people (my parents actually), but when I tried with people online, it wasn't so bad. After three years of searching on the internet, I have found the closest thing I have ever found to peers with my same problem. Finally, I have had the guts to correspond and I'm slowly getting more used to and comfortable with my feminine self. It's hard to do when I live my male self all day every day, trying to act typical or at least repress the female tendencies. Some times it drives me nuts. I want to talk about how I feel when watching something sad, but I'd be ridiculed by saying it as a male (especially with the kind of male persona I have). My male persona is extremely closed and stoic, while my female persona is open and emotional. Sometimes I'm able to express my emotions through music or writing, however people are shocked as they marvel at the fact that such a stoic person as myself could be so emotional and touching to the soul. I want to be that person, but I can't do it as a male. Society has branded men as being too stoic to be able to express such emotions. They should only show anger and competitiveness in such extravagant manner. I can easily show these emotions, but they aren't the ones I want to show a lot of. I want to be able to fully express the more beautiful emotions in life such as joy, love, and sorrow, but in the stereotypical society of today and the location I live and want to live in, men are not allowed such priveleges. Anyway, I will hold on tight to my desire for the expressing of these emotions. I will one day truly express them as the woman I want to be and then I will be content. The day I long for is my day of self-actualization. In psychology, self-actualization is the achievement of true happiness, where all a person's needs are met. That day will be the day when I can finally say that I have nothing to hide. I can state to the world, "Here I am, I have nothing to hide."

For those of you who can't look so profoundly on life too often, I have more to say. This is the abridged version without any of the mumbo jumbo that you are either telling to your psychiatrist or they are telling to you. I've decided to write again after having bounced back from a period of misbelief that I was ever TG in any way. At that point I looked at myself and said I couldn't be a girl, and why would I want to be? Now I look at myself and say I have to be a girl, why wouldn't I want to be? The only problem is that about once a month, I answer the last question and go back again asking the opposite question. It's the constant unsure bounce between a TS and themselves that goes along with the action known as binging and purging. I'd like to make a point though that everytime, I'm purging (and binging) a little less. I think that I coming to closer grips with the actual effects and meanings of this in my life. I have no idea how I'm going to make the transition (if that is what I truly want), but I believe that I'll go into it open-minded and accepting of the consequences. My only concern is that the consequences may one day become greater than the purpose. By the time that happens, if it does, I will have lost everything but what I have made. I simply hope I can hang on and make a purposeful life out of those remains. Josie

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