HOME OF THE BRAVE

In the middle of the seventeenth century, the only people living in the American colonies were the Indians, a few scattered pilgrims, and lots of British troops. Communication between Britain and the colonies was confused and chaotic. King George told the troops: "Just pick some kind of headquarters and talk to me from there. I don't care where you put it."

The logical choice for the headquarters was Philadelphia which had a few brick streets and some picturesque supply stores and nobody has ever been able to figure out why the British troops chose Washington instead - which was basically a few shacks in a swamp.

Recently, historians have discovered two facts that might add up to a possible explanation. First, the outskirts of Washington, D.C. lay just a few yards inside the official subtropical zone of the British Empire. Second, all British troops working in suptropical zones were paid time and a half.

IT IS AGAINST THE RULES AND REGULATIONS OF THE NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE AUTHORITY TO DRIVE IN THE WRONG DIRECTION ON THE NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE

In our country, you're free and so you're born and so they say "You're free". And even if you were born to lose - even if you were a complete wreck when you were born - you might still grow up to be president... because you're free. Today, you might be an average citizen ... a civilian ... a pedestrian ... But tomorrow you might be elected to some unexpected office - or sell your novel and suddenly become famous. Or you could get run over by a truck and your picture could get into papers that way. Because you're free and anything might happen.

IT IS AGAINST THE RULES AND REGULATIONS OF THE NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE AUTHORITY TO DRIVE IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION IN REVERSE ON THE NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE

I dreamed that i was Bill Clinton's lover, and I was somewhere, I guess in the White House... and there were lots of other men and women there, too .... and they were supposed to be his lovers too ... but I never even saw Bill Clinton ... and none of these people ever saw him either.

And there was this big discussion going on because Bill had decided to open up the presidential elections to the dead. That is, that anyone who had ever lived would have the opportunity to become President. He said he thought it would be more democratic that way.

The more choice you had

the more democratic it would be.

IT IS AGAINST THE RULES AND REGULATIONS OF THE NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE AUTHORITY TO DRIVE HERDS OF HOOVEN ANIMALS ON THE NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE

I am singing the songs... the old songs... but I can't remember the words of the songs... the old hunting songs... I am singing the songs of my fathers and of the animals they hunted down... I never knew the words of the old songs... I never went hunting... I never sang the songs of my fathers... I am singing for this movie... I'm doing this for money... I remember Grandfather... he lay on his back while he was dying... I think I am no one.

IT IS AGAINST THE RULES AND REGULATIONS OF THE NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE AUTHORITY TO DRIVE VEHICLES WITH METAL TIRES ON THE NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE

was asked

by the FBI

to come in

and answer a few questions.

It wasn't

like an interrogation room

at all.

There were no

bright lights.

But

they had it set up

so that there was an agent

on my right

and an agent on my left

and they alternated

questions so that i had

to keep turning

my head in order

to answer them.

And after a few hours

of doing this

no matter

what question they asked

or what answer i gave

the answer always

looked

oh no

IT IS AGAINST THE RULES AND REGULATIONS OF THE NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE AUTHORITY TO DRIVE IN THE WRONG DIRECTION ON THE ENTRANCE AND EXIT RAMPS OF THE NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE

Our plane is to drop a lot of odd objects onto your country from the air. And some of these objects will be useful. And some of them will just be odd. Proving that these oddities were produced by a people free enough to think of making them in the first place.

The U.S. helps, not harms, developing nations by using their natural resources and raw materials.

IT IS AGAINST THE RULES AND REGULATIONS OF THE NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE AUTHORITY TO DRIVE IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION IN REVERSE ON THE ENTRANCE AND EXIT RAMPS OF THE NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE

You know, I think we should put some mountains here. Otherwise, what are the characters going to fall off of?... And what about stairs?...

IT IS AGAINST THE RULES AND REGULATIONS OF THE NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE AUTHORITY TO DRIVE HERDS OF HOOVEN ANIMALS ON THE ENTRANCE AND EXIT RAMPS OF THE NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE

I'm going to draw a picture and I'm going to put in an eight-lane superhighway and I'm going to draw you on it in an old jalopy.

And then I'm going to draw a whole fleet of trucks barreling across the highway with their brights on.

And then I'm going to draw a flat tire on the jalopy and then I'm going to draw the whole jalopy in X-ray to show that you've got no gas.

Deep in the heart of darkest America. Home of the Brave.

IT IS AGAINST THE RULES AND REGULATIONS OF THE NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE AUTHORITY TO DRIVE VEHICLES WITH METAL TIRES ON THE ENTRANCE AND EXIT RAMPS OF THE NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE

You know, when I got back from a trip this summer, I noticed that all of the old factories here on the outskirts of town had suddenly been transformed into luxurious condos and that thousands of people have moved into them almost overnight. Most of the new residents appeared to be professional barbecuers. Every night, they were out on their fire escapes barbecueing something. And the smoke rising from their little fires made the whole neighborhood look like a giant battlefield. And I would look out my window and say:..Hmm.

You know, last night I came up out of the subway and I said to myself:..Hmm. Do you want to go home?

And I thought: You are home.