Hgeocities.com/WestHollywood/Stonewall/2264/html/advice1.htmgeocities.com/WestHollywood/Stonewall/2264/html/advice1.htm.delayedxJ?OKtext/htmlp{%?b.HSun, 16 Sep 2007 10:35:34 GMT;&Mozilla/4.5 (compatible; HTTrack 3.0x; Windows 98)en, *J? ASK RAZE (ADVICE 1)

Welcome to my little advice corner on the web. You may be wondering why an advice page. Well, several reasons- one is my real wish to assist people where and when I can. Another is that, though I am not a licensed therapist, my unusual amount of personal life experience, which is considerable, has given me a certain view on life that has proven helpful to others in the past. A third may be the potential for a helpful, interesting, amusing and fun page. In whatever capacity this page serves, I hope that it achieves but to do that, I need your help in the form of questions. You may ask me about ANYTHING, from the most personal sexual "perversity" to painting and cooking tips. I will always preserve your anonymity and respect your humanity. Please, let me know how you want your letter signed and I will always reproduce your questions to the letter. Thanks for your participation and for sharing yourself. I hope to do my best to honor that courage.



Send your questions to: ASK RAZE.



Dear Raze,


"A Father's Day question:

In your experience:
Can a child be 'sexy'? 'Seductive'? If a four-year-old boy regularly sucked his step-dad in the shower, and later says he enjoyed it and didn't feel like a 'victim' and in fact sees himself as the perpetrator who seduced his step-dad, can that be true? Are there many cases like that?

Signed,
Tadzio"


Dear Tadzio:

Well, I said I'd take any kind of question, didn't I..? And this one's a thinker. I will also assume that you are asking seriously and will answer so.
Your question is in fact, four, and I will answer them in order:

  1. The definition of "sexy" is a subjective one and requires an observer to assert such an interpretation on an observed behavior. The child's own interpretation would also have to be included with such an assertion well beyond most children's experience and intent of behavior. Those children who seemingly exhibit such an understanding would need to be carefully examined as to what kinds of their experiences have brought about such a group of behaviors.
  2. A similar view would be applied to "seductive". A difference may be made here on the part of the child's intent. Seductiveness, perhaps to a lesser degree- sexiness, can be an unintentional and/or unconscious presentation of the child's (or adult's). In both/either case(s) great care must be made to honestly assess the child's understanding and therefore true desire for such an encounter.
  3. It is not the responsibility of the four-year old boy to determine what is proper and healthy behavior for himself, they are just not old enough to make such judgments for themselves. That is the step-father's obligation as his guardian and role model. There is an endless amount of curiosity in children, indeed, this is one of the factors required by highly intelligent species in order to understand their world. It is most prevalent in children for obvious reasons. But I would beg the example of letting a four-year old stick his hand in the pretty fire. Just because he wants to doesn't make it a healthy desire.
    We, unfortunately, can never experiment in the most precise of arenas as far as being able to go back in time, undo experiences and observe just exactly what kinds of differences in the person's life this would make. We do have plenty of well managed and painstakingly gathered information as to the results of incestuous and adult/child sexuality experiences on both the "victims" and the "perpetrators". These results have proven overwhelmingly damaging for all parties concerned. Under most circumstances where creditable psychotherapies have been applied, "victims" who have previously professed enjoyment (and certainly the frame of mind of thinking of oneself as the "perpetrator") have uncovered deeper, more profound feelings of coercion, however subtle, confusion and shame. The human mind does tend to interpret reality to it's favor, convincing oneself in whatever capacity to ensure survival.
  4. As far as the number of cases of people professing that they did enjoy the experiences and were the "perpetrators", I have no actual data. Certainly there are many "incest" sites on the internet. There are many underground (and illegal) magazines, films and other media devoted to such subjects. Most are from the point of view and for the consumption of the adult "perpetrator". This, in itself, may be a very telling indication of the actual healthiness of such professed child "perpetrators".


I must add here that it is also a well documented fact that even infants display enjoyment of sorts of physical, sexually-based stimulus. Children of all ages experiment sexually. Many "victims" of sexual assault, as part of healing, must come to terms with the confusion precipitated by the enjoyment of the physical sensations in conflict with the assault itself.

The real crux here is with intent on the part of the "victim". It is not enough for one to give "permission"- that can be coerced. It is not enough to assume an interpretation on the part of the observer- that is the old "well she was dressed in a mini-skirt therefore she was asking for it" defense. And it is certainly not enough for the "perpetrator" to indulge his/her own selfish desires in spite of the nagging, conflictive thoughts reported by so many who have been interviewed.

Child sexuality concerns many factors such as perceived power differences between parties and the physical and emotional "readiness" of participants. The same can be said for adults. Though there are probably exceptions, they would most certainly be rare. It is probably comparatively safe, if not healthy, for children of the relative same age to experiment sexually. Conversely, it is probably not safe or healthy for children to experiment sexually with adults.

I hope I've helped- this is surely a difficult issue. For more information you may want to browse these sites:


"Dear 'Ask Raze'


"You replied on 21 June to my "Father's Day" question, but I've just now read my email after being away for a couple of weeks.

"I found your answer as helpful and informative as it was long and detailed -- and you don't always see that combination! Yes, my question was sincere, but my expectation of that kind of response was skeptical. I now regret the skepticism, and I really appreciate the response. Thanks."





"Dear Raze (sic),

I am caught between a rock and a hard place. It concerns desire, in both its course and "sublimated" feature. On the one hand, I am drawn to indulgence of sensual pleasure, and on the other, it is compelled toward renuciation of the world. What's a gay boy to do when confronted by this internal division?
Signed
Lray"


Dear Lray:
Your question is one of the basics asked by so many since we, as a species, gained consciousness and forged societies that allow for philosophical thought. I also strongly suspect the introduction of guilt, taboo and casual psychiatry have thickened the mix.
Firstly, I must ask you to sit down and do some soul searching. Take an honest inventory of which feelings are conflicting with which, making no judgments about any of them as of yet. Be gentle with yourself and if necessary, make a list.
Second, appraise each for their inherent truth, that is to say- whether or not they ARE legitimate. Is this feeling, desire etc. what you really feel? Which are those that seem a part of you and which seem just indoctrined? What do YOU truly believe?
Another question for you to consider is if you really think it possible for anyone to "renounce the world". If "yes", then what would you gain by such an extreme action? Is/are the gain(s) of such magnitude that it/they outweigh the "sensual pleasures" you seem to consider counterindictive? If "no", then as they say, why fight the feeling?
I propose that a resolution between your two seemingly disparate parts- an integration- is highly possible if you truly feel that they are a part of you and not the product(s) of some moralizing and therefore illusory upbringing. Remember, you are one person with many facets, but you ultimately have the control and therefore, the absolute right to make up your own mind.
Thanks for your question, keep me informed...





Dear Raze (sic):

"I have a terrible crush on someone who I don't believe I will ever be able to consumate a relationship with. Despite this, I still believe anything is possible in this crazy world. What should I do?"


Dear "Terrible Crush":
Your question begs a multiple answer, so here goes. Ready?

Thanks for your question, I hope I've helped. Let me know how it works out...


"Dear 'Ask Raze'

It's true, one can psyche oneself out of what they really want. I'll have to be more positive. I have no intention of moving on though- I'm enjoying what I 'have' too much to just disappear. I hope the object of my affection is feeling the same way. I have to learn to enjoy the moment."





"Dear Raze (sic),

"I am 32 6'4" and 185, smart good looking and lonely. My problem is that I hate the meat lockers (bars- gay or other wise). I have a very full life and little time, however, I wish that I had someone in my life to curl up to and talk to late at night just before we go to sleep (sex is best for me in the morn.). When I say that I have a full life I mean just that. I have horses, dogs, cats, cows and a few good friends, non of which I would ever sleep with. To me a friend is--- well, a friend, but a lover is a friend who heats the blood up till its white hot. None of my friend do that. The few times I have gone "out" has been depressing. Should I go out or be contint with the wonder life that I have?
Signed
The red neck in Two Egg, FL"


Dear "red neck":
Firstly, I have to tell you that you DO sound happy with your life in general- and for that part of your life should be content. I also have to say that I'm glad that you are NOT sleeping with your animal charges- that could certainly be in the way of finding a partner of the human variety. But if a part of your life is not working for you, then that is some thing to change, if you are able.
I am NOT one of those people who believes that waiting brings anyone anything and if it does- those persons have to settle with what has come their way. I believe that a person has to go out and get what he or she wants. And that is my advise to you.
It is one of the unfortunate realities that to meet someone, you must put yourself into situations where there are people to meet. That doesn't necessarily mean that you are bound to "meat lockers". While I don't know exactly what kind of resources are available to you in your part of the world, I assume there are some- if you have (a) bar(s) you can frequent.
I find that the best way to meet people that I'm more likely to have something in common with is to meet them at functions that I enjoy doing. For example, you seem like a horeman, do you frequent one of the Gay Rodeo circuits? How about a local chapter of the Gay/Lesbian Sierrans or other outdoorsmen's groups? Or what about local Gay and Lesbian charity work- such as HIV/AIDS awareness or fundraising..? I would also suggest browsing the local gay-net services. How do you feel about meeting someone on-line?
Here are a few suggestions for you:


I hope I've been of help. Let me know what comes out of this. Remember, you can ALWAYS talk (e-mail) me whenever, I like to be friendly...(wink,wink)...



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