September 16, 2007
This is a short entry. It is 3:52 am and I've been fixing up this site for the last few days. The last time I really did anything with this site was in 2001. Six + years and so much has happened. I will be leaving in fillers on this page so that I can get myself into practice in forming this page. Bare with me, I will get have much more, soon...
September 19, 2007
okay, so it's been a few since i restarted my on line journal. the day was more of the same- with time spent with my best friend, call him "duke" who is in the midst of limerance with his new boy- let's call him "cubby." duke had a hard time concentrating and irritated by everything- not snappy or mean toward mean but i know he really wanted to be with cubby and not with me, particularly. i understood/stand this. it's only been six weeks or so and i know how it feels myself- hell, i knew how it felt with this very same man. duke and i had been lovers for a few years and he's stuck around to help and be with me for over 10 years more. we are much happier as best friend/brothers than we ever were as lovers and i certainly want him to be happy. but in all these years, we've never faced this kind of thing: an outside person who would take up so much time and his emotional energy. it's scary for me and i feel alone.
you see, i have been in "recovery," not from substances but from mental issues (more on that later) and he and i had grown very emotionally dependant upon one another. this stability and unwavering love and support has been unique for me and helped a great deal with not only my finances but actual growth and recovery. i know that i, too, have had a great deal of impact for his mental, emotional well-being. this new situation has still to be worked out satisfactorially, and causes me some distress. but-- i want him to be happy (real love is this way) and it is time for me to move forward toward the last steps of taking care of myself and reentering society at large. and on it goes, you know?
mean while, as if a gift for my compromising and sacrifice- i met a very cool (and hot) guy on line last night. though i have never shied away from sharing all the sortid/sexual/personal aspects of my life, i wish to keep these particulars to myself, at least for a while. yes, he might read this so, you caught me on that. there are aspects from this admittedly short interaction that i would like to talk about at some point, though. these would be more about myself than our interaction(s- i hope there are a lot more) so i feel that it would not be kissing and telling. but, alas, i started this entry at 5:14 am and i am very tired, so it will have to wait until another day... tomorrow, you might be asking? i think so- if i remember to come back here- i've definately gotten out of practice of writing here...
so, so long, reader, and comne back again soon. like i said, i'm lonlier these days and i don't mind admitting a bit desperate for the company... all take care, now...
September 19, 2007 (continued)
Underworld: Evolution is playing in the backgrouond. i've seen it several times and own the dvd. but it's play again on one of the digital plus channels. it's dark and lovely as filming goes with this wonderful undercast of cyan to everything. and it has big, hunky, naked werewolves in it. power, sex, freedom. the sacredness of "purpose" and "duty." the safety of destiny and in this case, the nearly religious destiny.
anyone knowing me for a certain length of time knows how drawn i am to such things. actually, i think these kinds of themes areindiginous to our species and rife in all our entertainment. with the decay of the importance of the individual to his society and immediate environment, these sorts of theme are repeated with ever-increasing fervor. where is our coming-of-age? where is our hunt? where is our sense of belonging and relative purpose?
as advanced as we like to think of ourselves with this melodramatic desperation to remove any trace a of our animal selves and its subsequent backlash of excess with food, sex, gathering of wealth and the coming utter destruction of all we touch, we can not pry away our screaming animus. for me- i work toward reintegration, no longer interested in crushing myself, my present and my future with good-old-fashioned christian self-punishment and loathing. the balance between all my facets- be they learned, natural, positive, negative etc. is a goal worthy of a life-long journey. the best tenets of any spirituality reflect those kinds of walks with one's self. a difference between my exploration and so much of what we are taught in western society (eastern, as well?) is that i will refuse to feel incomplete, sinful or "less than" because i have not learned it all yet.
i am finally "getting it" (well, at least tonight) about the journey being the important focus, not the prize at the end. fear and lonliness, self-hate and self-limitation, pretention and elitism, deception and despiration and so much more inside of me working to keep me "safe" and from realizing my mortality. when is it time in a person's life to take action? to leave the haunting darkness behind the fort of boxes behind the door, locked from the inside?
anything on this list sound familiar?:
is this shit really worth hanging on to? can any of it be changed even if you wanted it to? do i really want to be some carbon copy of "perfection? and lose what makes me, "me?" and the biggy: would all of these changes really "cure" myself of the deep pain and scarring that is at the root of such self-contempt and crippling "need?" nope and nope and nope and nope and-
good night to you all and i'm reaching out for the personal best in everyone, whether successful or not in your eyes or those of the public, i would love your humanity.
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