"I can’t believe it" I said to myself as I sat there clutching a pillow close to me and sobbing, "I just can’t believe it" I sat there with the most empty feeling inside of me I couldn’t understand, all I could do was cry, no one there to talk to, no shoulder to cry on, nothing, just and empty bedroom, alone with me and a brown envelope entitled: ‘BRYAN'S HOLIDAY SNAPS’ addressed to me. The words of a song that Bryan once dedicated to me kept echoing again and again in my head,

"When the world seems like it's full of strangers, and I feel as though I’ve
lost my way" over and over and over, with the picture there for me to visualize – I just couldn’t bring myself to look at them anymore, just the first picture had completely broken my heart in two, and all I could do was shed tears. I heard the flat door open and instantly picked up the envelope and hid it under the duvet, I looked into the mirror and wiped the tears away from my face – my eyes burning hot, looked red, there was no mistaking that I had been crying, so I didn’t hide it – I couldn’t. "Rav? Are you in?" called Keely, "Yeh," I replied whilst I opened the door, "hi" I said, looking down on the floor "You okae babe, why are you not at work?" she asked me with concern in her voice. She saw a tear fall to the floor, "Rav, hun, are you crying? Rav, come on look up" she said moving her hand below my chin, making me look up "hey, what’s up?" she asked looking into my eyes. "Nothing" I said, "I was just thinking about Bryan, and how I thought things were over. I am so glad that we have managed to stay strong through it all. I Love him" she looked at me and unconvincingly replied, "yeh, I knew he would be with you forever", not looking me in the eye, and doing quite the opposite and looking away. "I might just stay at home Keely, I don’t feel to good" she looked at me to make sure. "Shall I call Bryan, ask him to come over?" she asked, and without thinking I quickly shrieked out "NO!" she looked at me shockingly "no," I said, calmer than before, "he’s gonna be busy for today, he told me this morning"

I was completely lying, but just the thought of Bryan there holding me with complete dishonesty made me sick, "you go Keely," I said, "I just need to be alone". "In a minute" she said, "I have to make a phone call first" "I’ll be in my room" I called as I walked over. "Shane, she knows something," I could hear Keely talking to Shane over the phone "her eyes were red, I could tell that she has been crying. What are we going to do? Oh I feel so bad" I couldn’t believe it Keely, my "best mate", she knew but didn’t tell me either, was I the only person that didn’t know? I grabbed my bag, keys and phone and left the flat in a hurry, not letting Keely finish talking to me and completely ignoring the fact that she was calling me back.

I got into my car, drove, drove and drove. For 3 hours I had been in my car, I ended up at the side of the Arboretum bridge, the one place I would go when I was alone, I parked my car at the side and walked up to the bank, I sat there picking twigs and stones and throwing them out into the clear but bleak and unwelcoming water. The picture still haunting me, appearing in front of my eyes; it wouldn’t go, it wouldn’t leave me alone. My mobile went of, I looked at the screen, ‘Munchkin’ it flashed, my nickname for Bryan, I sighed and diverted the call through to my voicemail the last voice I wanted to hear was, was, was his. I couldn’t even bring myself to say his name. This was my boyfriend, or at least I thought so. The mobile rang once again, and just as I picked it up to divert the call, the screen flashed: ‘Kian’ I knew that it couldn’t be Bryan using Kian’s phone. Kian was in Sligo, Bryan in London so I answered it. "Hello" "Hi ya Rav" said Ki on the other line, "just ringing to see if you’re okae?" "Yeh, I’m fine how are you, and how come you haven’t come to London to see me?" I asked, remembering that Kian and me were close mates, and had become close ever since Bryan and me had got serious. We shared so many things, our love for music was different for one, we both liked some indie and heavy metal bands – so we got on well. "I know, I know" he replied apologetically " I’ll come up and see you next week, it’s just I wanted to spend time at home, you know how it is" "Yeh, sure do."

"Anyway, how’s Bryan" he asked, "I don’t know," I said to Kian, "I’ve broken up with him" "WHAT?" exclaimed Kian, I could tell that he was surprised, "Rav, what are you talking about, Bryan and you are made for each other, he loves you" I sighed and tears once again, against my will started to form, my eyes got cloudy, "I thought so too Kian, I really did" I choked up my tears, "Rav, look, I can’t hear you, the reception is bad, you’re breaking up. But listen hunny, I have known you for a little while and I know that Bryan is made on this earth for one woman – You. Don’t kill him this way, don’t hurt him Rav, he loves you…can you hear me, c…" an end tone was all that was left for me to hear of Kian as the lines went dead. I just sat there feeling numb, ‘What?’ I thought to myself, ‘me hurting him? He’s already hurt me, what is Kian going on about, if he loved me so much would he have done this to me?’ the questions were turning over and over in my mind, but the night was near, and I couldn’t stay out on the bank all night, it was getting cold, so I half-heartedly walked back to the car. I drove back, and walked up to the flat, I knew that Bryan and Shane were about as their cars were out in the car park. My heart was hammering, and my head thumping, I didn’t know how I was going to look Keely in the eye, worse still how was I going to face him, the one person I trusted more in this world then anyone, the one person that broke my heart, the one who betrayed me. If I listened to my head for just one second I would have walked out of the building and not looked back, but I knew that it was the wrong thing to do, I needed to know what went wrong, and why I was feeling this way. I needed answers.

I stood outside the door, took a deep breath and turned the key, I walked in to see Shane sitting there eagerly watching the door, waiting for me to walk up, a brown envelope, THE brown envelope on the table, with pictures scattered around, Bryan with his head in his hands and Keely just looking at me regretfully.

"Rav," she gasped, "where have you been, I’ve been worried about you," raising the tone in her voice "YOU COULD HAVE BEEN LYING DEAD SOMEWHERE" "Oh," I replied coldly, "I didn’t know you cared!" "What is that supposed to mean?" she asked heatedly. "Look calm down Keely," said Shane, "we should go and let these two talk" "NO!" shouted Keely, as she shrugged Shane’s hand away from her arm, "I want to know what she meant" she looked at me totally wounded at my remark. "It’s okae Shane," I started, "You don’t need to go, I’ve got no talking to do. I’m going into my room. I’d rather be alone than…" I sighed, and continued, "I just need to be alone!" I walked into my room, not once looking at Bryan, and neither did he look at me.

Moments later Keely walked into my room, "Rav," "Keely, just go, I can’t handle this" I said tearfully, "No, Rav, let me finish," I looked away ignorantly but she continued to talk. "Rav, I know you are hurt. But Bryan loves you I know he does. He told me as soon as it happened. And it wasn’t all his fault" I looked at Keely and rolled my eyes, and began to let the feelings pour out, "HOW CAN YOU, YOU, YOU SAY THAT KEELY? YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND, YOU BETRAYED ME. YOU ALL HAVE" "No Rav, don’t say that" Keely said, she started to sob. "I thought Bryan had told you!" I shook my head, "No, Keely, that day I asked you if anything was different, you and Shane both swore to me that nothing was wrong. Instead I had to wait for a reporter to send me pictures. Do you know how that made me feel – NO YOU DON’T, BECAUSE SHANE HASN’T DONE THAT TO YOU. I can’t even bring myself to say his name – I HATE HIM" I said as I got up and buried my head into her shoulder, crying, "I don’t know what to do, Keely, I don’t know what to do! I don’t hate him Keely, I just love him" I held on to Keely for while before letting go, and asking her to leave me. "I just want to be by myself, Keely, please" "But Bryan and you need to talk" she told me "no," I answered, "I can’t talk to him, not yet". Keely walked out of my room, leaving me lying there hugging a pillow. I dug my face deeper into the pillow and lay there sobbing
uncontrollably.

hours later

It was fast approaching midnight, Keely walked into my room, turned on the light and asked, "Rav, do you want some food, you haven’t eaten" I looked up at her, my eyes so sore that I could hardly open them, "no, I’m not hungry" "come one Rav, Bryan hasn’t eaten either, he won’t until you do" she told me. I started to cry once again, my head was telling my heart to leave Bryan, ‘who cares if he eats or not’ I thought, but then my heart spoke out aloud, "I care!" Keely looked up me puzzled and asked, "Are you okae?" "Tell him to eat, I’ll be out in a minute," I told her.

I cleaned my face up and brushed my hair back, took a deep breath and walked out, Keely had set the table for two, almost as if it was a romantic meal, the lights were dim, and the atmosphere biting. Keely and Shane left for Keely’s room. I walked over toward the table and sat down, Bryan sat opposite, but I didn’t dare look up at him. I played around with my food, and ate as much as two spoonfuls, I didn’t look up at Bryan but said, "You should eat" I wanted to get up and hold the fork from his hand and feed him, but I wasn’t going to give in to him, not that easily. "You’ve hardly had much have you?" he questioned, "not hungry" I replied, I still hadn’t looked at him, not once. I callously laughed, "funny, how one minute you think that everything is going well and the person you love is telling you the truth, then some reporter lets you know that all is not what it seems, it’s so funny isn’t it?" I couldn’t believe I had just said that, I was a heartless bitch I knew I was by the way Bryan got up and walked over to the window and just stared out of it. He was hurt, but so was I, he’d hurt me more. I moved my plate aside and rested my head on my arms on the table. I began to weep again, my eyes welling up and my body aching. I felt a hand on my shoulder, "Rav, please" he called out, I took hold of his hand, but didn’t once look up at him, "just hear me out" he said as he led me towards the sofa, my hand still in his felt very warm, but I could feel it trembling, as was his, "Rav," he began, "I know that this has hurt you, but you have got to hear me out, I know you don’t deserve this, but after you’ve heard me out you can do whatever you please." We were interrupted by a phone call, it was Kian, he was demanding an explanation from Bryan, "listen mate, I can’t actually talk right now. I’m trying to sort something out" with hearing that, I leant my head on Bryan’s shoulder, not realizing what I was doing as the exhaustion of the day had got the better of me, I fell asleep.