The following week was hectic. I had just started a new job at the TV house in Dublin and it went well. My working hours were always changing thought, and I'd try to spend as much of my spare time as possible up at the hospital. Shane felt sick most of the time, as he put it himself he 'felt sick because he was in so much pain, and then he got all those painkillers which made him feel even more sick.'

The worst moment was probably when a Garda came up and stated that it hadn't been an accident. No other cars, the road wasn't slippery, there was nothing wrong with the car and there was no signs that he had even tried to avoid driving into the wall. Clearly, Shane HAD tried to take his life and it shook me completely. It scared me to think that I had had so much influence over him, but most certainly there was something else behind it than that. I was thankful that everyone was so supportive and told me not to blame myself and got over it quite quickly. Of course, Shane wouldn't confess to trying to kill himself. He didn't answer any questions on the "accident" and just turned his back to whoever asked. I finally managed to get it out of him thought.

I was up in the morning and the hospital was quite empty and quiet. It wasn't really time for visitors to come yet, but because I had weird working hours at times the hospital staff let me come when I could. Actually, I was sure that some important people phoning up was probably a big help as well... especially Ronan had been very supportive from the start. I didn't know him that well, but I knew from what Shane said that we had his support. As I went into the room I found Shane crying, this was nothing very new thought, he was often in so much pain, mixed with sickness and the fact that he was afraid he wouldn't live through it, it had often had him crying the past week. I went over to the bed and stroke his back gently, "Shane, don't cry, everything will be fine..."

He just turned around and looked at me through his tears, he was clearly surprised and hadn't noticed me entering the room. "No," he sobbed, "it won't be alright." I looked at him, what was wrong now? "Nikki, I know I'm gonna live, but I don't deserve it." "What do you mean?" Shane looked up at me, suddenly aware that he had no way to get out of it, "Nikki, I tried to take my life, I, I, just deserve to die.." I stroke his hair, "Darling, you know that isn't true. You shouldn't be troubling your mind with things like that." Shane looked at me in surprise. "Aren't you angry?" My turn to look surprised, "No, why should I?" "I just confessed to something like this and you're just smiling at me saying it's OK?" I smiled again. "Of course, a relationship is all about understanding..." "Are you not even gonna ask why I did it?" "Nope, if you want to share it I'm here to listen, if you don't I don't mind." It was Shane's turn to smile.

"Are you sure you will listen, and you won't think I'm crazy? I really want to share it but I'm not sure anyone would ever understand..." "I'll do my best," I said and smiled at him, happy he wanted to confide in me. "Basically, I just felt like I didn't have any control at all over my life... I just had everything but still nothing, can you see what I mean?" "Yeah, I think so..." "I had the fame and fortune, I was living a dream, but there was still something missing... I never had time to relax, couldn't take it all in, had no time to spend with people I love... and when you broke it you made me realise just how normal I really am, but still so different... I suddenly realised that if this doesn't work out I'll have absolutely nothing to fall back on, and I'll never be able to go back to the life I had before..." he looked at me for a reaction. I gently ran my fingers over his face, "Oh, darling, I can see what you mean, I have never been in a situation like that, but I know how it must feel..." Shane smiled, "Thanx for understanding... you knew what I had tried to do already thought, didn't you?" I nodded, "yes, but I wanted it to come from you..." He looked into my eyes, "and I just wanted to convince you that it was none of your fault."

It mightn't have seemed like an important event for others, but it made a big change in mine and Shane's relationship. Suddenly, he had my trust back and we started to rebuild the magic that had once been between us, only that now it was even stronger. Nothing or no one would ever be able to take the magic from us again, we were both positive about that.