That was the first time Mark and I had been apart without touring. It scared the life out of me. I got to the train station early, and sat down on one of those really uncomfortable metal benches that make your behind so cold after sitting on them for thirty seconds.

Waiting for the train, waiting for the answer to all the questions that were whirling round my mind like a never-ending roller coaster, waiting for an absolution. My hands trembled as I thought about Mark in the hotel room. The look on Mark's face was all it took to make my tears cascade down my cheeks like a torrential rain, drowning me in my sadness of leaving the only person I had ever really had in my life, the only person I had ever truly loved.

Thankfully there were very few people in the station that day... just a couple of people on the opposite platform, too far away to see my tears...too far away to understand what I was going through.

I felt horrible in the passing weeks without him. I stayed in my room from the very second I came home from hell...sorry, school. Well, it certainly felt like hell. People at school who had 'connections' found out what happened and spread it round everyone the first week. My ex-friends seemed to be genuinely sorry...until I overheard them sniggering about it in the locker room between classes. I would walk to class and people would look at me, whispering to each other "Only did it for the attention I bet..." "She didn't really like him..." "Just 'cos he's in a band..." Among others.

My parents were supportive. They seemed to be the only people who were, except my friends on the Internet. "Don't let these eejits get to ya mate, they don't deserve the time of day, you do what you want to do" was the advice I got from Lisa. If only I could listen to her. "I can't believe you did it just 'cos a couple of people, who, in the big picture of life are just minuscule, were a wee bit jealous. You should have stood up to them, told them where to go. But whatever you decide to do, you know I'm always here for you, Rainey Mammy" was Jenni's answer.

No matter how much I wanted to move on and do something positive with my life, I'd see Mark's face everywhere I looked, the television, magazine covers, posters in CD store windows, my dreams every single night. All I'd dream about was the hotel room the day I left, the look on Mark's face as I walked out of the door, the touch of his skin as I kissed him goodbye. I wouldn't do anything because anything I used to do would always make me think of him. My love for listening to music suddenly disappeared, the lyrics would remind me. I couldn't talk to the few friends I had left, the conversation would remind me. I couldn't go outside anywhere, the emptiness of my hand where he used to hold it would remind me. I couldn't sleep, nor eat, I just sat on my bed staring out of the window, or lay on my bed crying my eyes out.

I'd let them win. I'd let them make me do the one thing I'd promised my heart I'd never do. I'd walked out on him, I'd walked out on me. I felt like a failure. He was my first proper relationship, and I'd thrown it all away.

My parents began to notice I wasn't eating or sleeping properly. I'd begun to take days off school because I couldn't face the sneers, the whispers, the evil looks. The hate mail died down somewhat after that, just a couple that told me to keep my distance. The prank calls stopped, which helped a lot.

Mark tried to call me when he had time, but I always made my parents tell him I was out, I couldn't handle talking to him, the sound of his voice was too much, I'd burst into tears just by him saying my name.

Mum and dad had one day had enough, they couldn't stand seeing me in the state that I was, so they decided to do something about it, without telling me.

They called Mark and told them how upset I'd been the few weeks we'd been apart, they told him how I wasn't eating, sleeping, going to school and my grades were slipping...but that they weren't worried about my grades, they knew that if I put my mind to it, I could catch up, that they were worried about us being apart. They told him that they may just be parents, but they were young once too, and they knew how much he meant to me, and that he had to try to make up with her, because they'd noticed that he'd seemed less than happy in t.v interviews.

Mark was relieved that I hadn't left him because I didn't care anymore, he told my parents that he had to be in Europe for their tour, but he wanted me to come and see him when they did a concert in Glasgow the following week.

"No, I'm not going... I can't" "You have to, you're not doing yourself any good by sitting there all day, you need him, and you know it" "But mum..." "But nothing, I know you love him and you're going to go to that concert and tell him so" with that, my mother told me to get dressed, and she and dad were going to wait for me in the car to drive from Edinburgh to Glasgow; an hour-long journey that would either take me back to Mark, or take me nowhere.