I was more mad than upset about the two girls mocking me. I felt the blood rushing through my veins, and thoughts flying through my head. What is THEIR problem? … Why were they laughing at me? Was my answer stupid? What did I do? Was it something I said? Did I talk too much? Was it my accent?
My insecurity reared its head out, and anger started to build. I suddenly found myself feeling the same way as when I was in when first arrived in America. All of those questions were asked everyday during my first couple of months in the U.S. And I believe most of us international students go through the same thing, so I would like to share my experience with you in this article.
It’s hard not to feel insecure about yourself when you enter a new environment. On my first day of high school, I thought I could handle it, being the only international student in the school, and starting in 11th grade. I was hyperaware of my environment because of all the American movies I’ve seen—these kids are mean, and they’ll make fun of me every chance they get. I felt that those Americans knew right away that I wasn’t from ‘round here. I started to believe that all eyes were on me. I felt someone whispering behind my back about how stupid I sounded, and how bad and different I looked. I felt embarrassed just to be going to school! By lunch time, I couldn’t take it any more. I made some friends from my handbell choir, but they were nowhere to be found in the lunch area. I couldn’t cope with sitting alone so I went into the restroom to cry, and I pretty much stayed there through lunch. I lost my self confidence that day. I never told anyone about it.
When I came home that afternoon, I started to think about how I could possibly beat this weakness and find myself again. I wasn’t planning on spending every lunch in the restroom. I found my refuge in the quest for knowledge. I studied hard, and took time to get acquainted with my new environment. These are some of the things I did:
Beauty and Brain - Oakley's choices of magazines to keep up with trends and events
Know the Turf.
Learn the Ways.
Keep Up with the Trends.
After a couple of months of being mostly an observer and learner of the new culture, I started to adapt. I began to meet up with friends for lunch more and stowed away in the choir room alone less. I found out I actually knew a lot more than some of those American kids do, like math, world history, and geography. I started to make friends with some of the classmates. And finally, I participated in theater, crossing the final threshold of shyness and insecurity.
Once you feel comfortable with your new environment, it’s much easier to start feeling good about yourself and gain the confidence you lost. With all your effort in trying to adapt, you may find yourself embracing the new culture and environment. This is the time when you search your soul and look for who you really are.
As I was searching for myself, I also learned about others. I realized that there are a lot of people who are oblivious to other’s differences and/or feelings. These people will mock you, taunt you, or make fun of you because it made them feel better about themselves, like the girls in my graduate class.
After I saw them laughed at me for the last time, I took a deep breath. I recalled the logic I used when I was dealing with this type of treatment in high school. I started to think like Star Trek’s Mr. Spock, using only logic. This is graduate school. Students here are supposed to be professional, mature adults. Mocking such a way that those girls did is the act that of children. The logic would dictate that adults who act in such manners are childish and immature, and the opinion of a few doesn’t determine that of the world. Therefore, neither the girls nor their actions is worthy of my attention.
The balance was then restored. And I continued to participate in class discussion. Well, you’d have to when the professor only remembers so many people by name in class and you’re one of them. And...you guessed it...he has no idea who those two girls were.
I knew nothing about American youths except from what I perceived from movies. I listened to the 2 popular radio stations, and subscribed to Seventeen Magazine and U.S. News and World Report. I also watched TV with my host family. Soon enough, I started to get a better understanding of my environment. I began to catch on with what people are saying at school. (The fringe benefits of this is you are practicing and learning your English!)
As I listened to people talk, sat in class, watched TV, or read my magazines, I took notes of the words I didn’t understand, the subject I wasn’t familiar with, and expressions that were used often. I came home with my scribbles and opened up the dictionary for definitions, and asked my host mom or my friends about what I didn’t understand.
What people do or wear here is not like how it was in Thailand. When bellbottoms was popular back home, I wouldn’t dream of wearing one while I was here. I went along with what was fashionable at first, and as I felt comfortable about myself, I started to develop my own style. Keeping up with the trends also extends to current events.
Having overcome shyness and insecurity, Oakley joined the cast
of "Snoopy!" the musical in high school as the miming yellow bird Woodstock.