Rules for the Girls

1. Clothing is optional … ok, ok … it’s strongly discouraged … well, for the men, anyway. If you’re a woman and you’re naked, we really don’t wanna know.

   
   

2. For hygiene reasons, there will be absolutely NO sharing of towels. Ladies … please come prepared. Drip pans and drooling cups are available at the concession for $1.99. Do your part to keep the upholstery clean!!

   
   

3. The use of cumbrellas is strictly prohibited in the first three rows. Please be sensitive to the women sitting behind you and don’t block their view. Feel free to use the industry tested safety goggles located under your seats.

   
   

4. Hyperventilating WILL cause light-headedness. Please remember to breathe, ladies. If you find yourself feeling light-headed please DO NOT interrupt the performance. Nobody gives a shit. Place your head between your knees (this is accomplished much easier, if you remember to remove your fingers from your panties first) and breathe SLOWLY into the paper bag located on the rear of the seat in front of you.

   
   

5. Please control yourself. Bombarding a hot stroker with over 100 private messages a minute will likely boot his ass into the Women Stroking For Men room … and you will never see him again.

   
   

6. Please refrain from heckling the warm-up acts. Giggling and pointing will only make them lose their erections and drag the agony out indefinitely. Use the iggy button discriminately … dead air is NOT your pussy’s best friend.

   
   

7. For the women who feel the uncontrollable urge to press the Talk button … please don’t. It’s really quite simple. We know you’re cute … and we know you haven’t been laid in 6 years … we know you NEED it … and we know you think you’re helping. You’re not. We can’t HEAR the men when you’re on mic. Stop for a second and listen … you’ll see we’re right. YOU can’t hear them either. Duh.

Rules for the Boys

1. Begging for pussy is disgusting. Doing it on mic is even worse. If you really need to tell us what a stud you are … or brag about the size of your cock … or the fact that you can make us cum in 10 moans or less … please do it in the room.

   
   

2. If we want to go private, we will make a room and invite you. Use of the P word on mic will result in immediate castration.

   
   

3. Unsolicited invitations to a private room will result in immediate castration without anaesthetic.

   
   

4. The keyboard is your friend … but stopping mid-whack to answer your PMs is in the high of bad taste.

   
   

5. Farting, burping and other sounds of a non-masturbatory nature will not be tolerated. If you must fart, please do it in the privacy of your own room.

   
   

6. Playing music on mic will likely get you ignored. Playing BAD music on mic will likely get you ignored permanently

   
   

7. Please see Girls' Rule #7. You may think she’s hot but we really don’t wanna hear her on your mic. It makes us feel like we are intruding. Watching our parents do it or something … ewwww. If you simply can’t bring yourself to iggy her, stuff your cock down her throat or something. Better yet … do us all a favour and take her private.

   
   

8. If there are 63 women in the room simultaneously typing “slap my ass and call me Sally” … chances are at least 62 of them are going to iggy you if you touch the mic. Please wait until a minimum of 61 have typed “ohhhhhhh my god … I cummmmmded soooooo hard” before pressing the Talk button. We only have so many available orifices, guys … please wait until one becomes available.

   
   

9. “Name that sound” is only amusing for the first thirty seconds of your performance. If you are using a vibrator or small kitchen appliance please turn it off. If you are building a log cabin or a dining room table, we will not be responsible for dismembered body parts. If you are transmitting from the space shuttle, the twilight zone, the baggage compartment of a 747 or a submarine … well, you get the message. FIX THE DAMN THING.

   
   

10. Using a strokette’s name on mic is strongly discouraged. Baby, honey and hey-you are all acceptable alternatives. If you must use a strokette’s name on mic, however, please make sure the object of your affection is at least present in the room. We confuse easily in the midst of passion.

    
    

11. Please be considerate of the animal lovers in the room. Flogging the dolphin, slapping the fish and beating the monkey are frowned upon. Please feel free, however, to pet the pussy.

    
    

12. Please refrain from using Ohmy's potted palm as an ashtray or urinal. Do you piss in your mother's plants?

    
    

13. One last thing ... is it REALLY necessary to point out the fact that every guy stroking on mic who doesn't happen to be you is FAKING???? Or is using too much LUBE???? Or not enough LUBE???? Or sounds embarrassing SMALL???? Or is really 85 years old with hair growing out his ears???? We don't intrude upon your fantasies ... please don't intrude upon ours. Nuff said.