TIME PAST-TIME PRESENT-TIME FUTURE

CHAPTER ONE -- THE SOURCE

December, 1976

"You BITCH!" he growled at her, leaning over her with a predatory gleam in his eyes. "How COULD you?!"

"Dave, please-- calm down. I just-- I--"

"You just what? Just what, Jaqueline?"

She turned her head away. What was she supposed to say other than... "I'm sorry."

He shook his head. "Sorry. Sorry my ass!" He took the lamp from her nightstand and threw it across the room. The bulb shattered against the bedroom wall. "You'd do it again, wouldn't you? Admit it, Jaqueline. You love him, don't you?"

The young woman slunk slowly backward toward the door. Her hand fell on the knob, and she turned it slowly.

"Don't even think about it." He was on her in a second, pulling her back into the center of the room. "As long as you're MY wife, you sleep in MY bed, and you love ME. Is that clear?"

She turned her head. Scars from a beating he'd given her earlier that week were still noticeable on her cheek.

"I said is that CLEAR?" He raised his voice, grabbing her chin in his hand and forcing her to look him in the eyes. And that's when he saw it. Normally, she was so submissive to him. She'd answer his questions directly, telling him exactly what he wanted to hear. Today was different. Today, there was a look of defiance in her eyes. And he didn't like it one bit.

Her voice was barely above a whisper when she replied, "Well then maybe I don't want to be your wife anymore."

He squeezed her tight against his body. "What did you say?"

"I said," she repeated, struggling against his hold and eventually pulling free, "That I don't want to be your wife anymore. It's over, Dave. I want a divorce. I want out."

"No."

"I'm sorry, but I'm not giving you a choice in the matter."

"No, no you don't understand. You're not leaving, because I won't let you leave. You are MY wife, and I will NOT be made a fool by having you leave me." He threw her ont he bed with such force that she knocked her head against the headboard. He wasn't sure if the collision knocked her out, and he didn't care. He crawled over her and began slapping her face. "Look at me, whore. I'm not done yet."

It took her a second, but she looked at him, tears gleaming in her eyes. "You're not going to tell anybody, do you understand me? I'll forgive you this once, just this once. But if you EVER cheat on me again... I swear, bitch, I'll snap you in two. Are we clear?" She made no response, and he hit her across the mouth. "I said are we CLEAR?!"

"Yes," she whispered, choking back a sob.

"Good." He smiled, and then he smoothed back her hair and kissed her forhead. "You know I love you, Jacqueline. That's the only reason I get so angry... I love you, and I don't want anybody to hold you but me." He put his arms aroung her, kissing her deeply. She had to fight the urge to throw up-- the smell of alcohol on his breath was horrendous.

The cry from their infant son down the hall was a Godsend. He stood and headed out of the room. "Take care of him," he told her. "Keep him quiet. I want to be able to sleep tonight."

As she turned to leave the room, she wiped the tears from her eyes and sniffled. She lifted him from his bassinett and held him to her. "Shhhh, Joshy... shhhh." The tears still sparkled in her eyes, but she couldn't help but smile as the baby instantly quieted, comforted by the presence of his mother. "Joshua... I promise you. He'll never hurt you. I won't let him. If I have to die to defend you... he'll never hurt you."

CHAPTER TWO -- THE LESSON

September, 1981

"Welcome home, boy."

Five-year-old Josh trotted into the house. He shrugged his backpack off and dragged it back toward his bedroom. "Hey Dad."

"Did you have a good day at school?"

"Yes, I did." Josh placed his backpack and jacket next to each other on the coatrack on his bedroom wall before returning to the kitchen. He sat down at the table across from his father. This was a daily routine, carried out in the exact same manner at the exact same time on every school day.

"What did you learn today?"

"No--" Josh caught himself. He had learned on his first few days of school that "nothing" was not an acceptable response. He thought on the question for a few minutes before replying, "We learned about the letter "G" yesterday."

"Ah, but I didn't ask you what you did yesterday, did I?"

Josh turned his head shyly. "No," he whispered.

"Let's try again. What did you learn today?"

Josh sighed in frustration. "I..." His eyes welled up, knowing what the response would be to what he had to say. "I don't know!"

Dave shook his head. "That's not an acceptable answer, Josh. You know that." He stood, pulling at the buckle on his belt. Josh, knowing what was coming, sprang up from his chair and started to run back toward his bedroom. "No... please!" he exclaimed, his voice shrill, already choking on sobs of phantom pain. His young brain was still frantically searching through the day's events, trying to remember something he had learned. As he reached his bedroom door, a giant hand came down on his arm, gripping it tightly.

"I'll give you one more chance, boy. What did you learn in school today?"

"We learned about the farm animals!" Josh exclaimed triumphantly, his face breaking into a grin. That wasn't true-- they'd learned about farm animals yesterday, along with the letter "G". But he hadn't told his father that, and he never would.

"Very good!" Dave's angry expression turned to one of pride in .3 seconds flat. About the same time he was rethreading his belt through the belt loops, the front door creaked open and closed quietly. "Your mother's home. Go say hi to her."

Josh took off for the kitchen door and hurled himself into his mother's arms. "Mommy!"

Jaqueline hugged her son tightly for a few seconds before setting him down. "Joshie... how was school?"

"Good."

"Well that's good."

Dave appeared behind his son, and Josh, having fallen into this daily routine just as easily as the one that he used to get dressed every day, took off for his room, leaving his parents alone. He slammed his door and locked it, turning up the music on his Fischer Price tape recorder. Sometimes what happened next wasn't so bad, but other times... other times he knew he didn't want to hear those sounds.

He wasn't sure how long he was alone in his room. He had lost himself in the music and in his coloring. But a knock at the door brought him back to reality, and he slowly closed his coloring book, making sure that all the crayons were in the box and that the box and book were back in his dresser drawer where they belonged. Then, timidly, he opened the door. Sure enough, his father stood on the other side.

"Come with me, Joshua." He hated that his father always called him "Joshua". "It's time you learned something. You're old enough." He allowed his father to lead him by the arm out to the family room-- not that he had much choice in the matter. His father settled him on the couch. "Now, boy. Your mother was late getting home from work. We don't like that, do we? Doesn't it make you upset when Mommy is late?"

Josh nodded, swallowing hard. He was too terrified to speak.

"That's right. See, Mommy broke a rule. She was supposed to be home twenty minutes before she actually was. And we all know what happens in this house when somebody breaks a rule, right?"

"Y-- yessir."

"Well let me tell you something, Josh. Someday, you're going to be a man, and you're going to need to know these things. And so I'm going to teach you, just like my father taught me." Josh watched, horrified, as he removed his belt and began to beat his mother relentlessly. He tried to cover his eyes, but that only made him angry. It was terrible, but he couldn't get away from it. And now, it was engraved in his memory forever.

When it was finally over, and Dave had appologized to Jaqueline and laid her down in bed, promising to fix supper, Josh took off for his room. He was only five, but he knew something wasn't right. He just had to figure out what to do about it.

CHAPTER THREE -- SAFETY

March, 1982

It was late, it was freezing cold, and it was dark, but Josh knew tonight was the night. He'd been waiting for this night for weeks, ever since his mother had secretly taken him out of kindergarten one afternoon and they'd planned it. Tonight they would leave him, and start a whole new life somewhere else. He couldn't sleep that night, and so when his mother came into his room, he was awake. Just like he'd promised, he made no sound. He just picked up his Sesame Street suitcase and held her hand tightly as they walked right out the front door.

They walked two blocks to the 7-11, and a car was waiting for them, just like his mother had promised. The woman in the passanger seat got out and hugged his mother tightly, and he watched with wondering bright blue eyes. Then a man climbed out of the driver's seat and hugged his mother as well. This was a strange concept. He had hardly ever seen his FATHER hug his mother, so to see a strange man do it was unheard of. He knew it would make his father upset, and he prayed he never found out. Then something even stranger happened. The man came over and crouched down to Josh's eye level. "You must be Josh," he said, smiling.

"Yessir."

"Well it's nice to meet you, Josh. My name's Roy." The man still smiled, and he extended a hand to Josh. The boy shook it, amazed. "And that's my wife, Karen. We're good friends of your mom's."

"We should get going," Josh heard his mother say. "I know Josh is tired, and Dave could have followed us..."

Roy nodded in understanding, and led Josh to the backseat of their dark blue station wagon. "You might want to cover up with some of those blankets, Son," he told the boy. Son? NOBODY had ever called him "Son" before. But he liked it, he definitely liked it. "It's darn cold."

Josh pulled a blanket over himself as his mother climbed into the backseat beside him. She hugged him tightly against her, crying into his hair. He lifted his head and smiled at her. "Don't worry, Mommy," he told her with a smile. "Everything's going to be just fine."

Two hours later, Josh was settled in on a cot in Heather's room. Heather was Roy and Karen's daughter. They had a son, too-- 2-month-old Tyler. Josh had learned all about the Chasez family on the car ride to their house, because he'd been unable to sleep. And even now, snuggled beneath the warm blankets, he couldn't seem to fall asleep. He was scared, and this was a strange new place.

Sighing, he turned over onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. For being only five years old, he'd been through a lot. And little did he know, things were about to get even more complicated.

After five minutes or so, Josh got up to go to the bathroom. As he passed by the door to the kitchen, he could hear voices, and, curious, he ducked he peeked around the corner.

"Thank you so much," his mother was saying. She was hugging Karen tight, and they were both crying. Roy stood nearby, looking tearful as well. "I'm in your debt. When Josh wakes up..."

"Don't worry about it," Karen replied. "Within a few days, he'll settle in to life here. Heather has known about him coming for awhile and she's anxious to meet her new brother."

"And eventually, he'll..." Roy stopped himself short, checking himself. "I'm sorry, Jackie, I didn't mean--"

"No, Roy, it's... it's the way it should be. Eventually, he'll forget--" Jaqueline froze, her eyes locking on the movement outside the kitchen door. "Josh?" she called. "What're you doing up, honey?"

Josh walked into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes. "I couldn't sleep." He looked up at the three adults, taking note of the looks on their faces. "What's going on?" He noticed the suitcase in his mother's hand. It looked as though she was getting ready to leave again. "Where are you going, Mommy?"

Sighing, Jaqueline set her suitcase down. "I'm just going away for a few days, Joshie. I have to go down and find a house and a job for us where we're going. Remember I promised we were going to Florida?" Josh nodded. "Roy and Karen are going to take care of you while I'm gone."

"Can't I go with you?"

"I'm sorry, Joshie. This is something Mommy has to do by herself." She smiled bravely, kneeling down to hug her son. "Remember how we talked about being brave?" At her son's nod, she continued, "This is part of that. I have to be brave and go out and find a new life for us, and you have to be brave here for awhile without me." She hugged him again, tighter, knowing this could very well be the last time she ever held him. "Can I see a brave smile?" He gave his mother what she requested, and she smiled back, standing. "That's my boy. I love you, Josh. And I'll see you in a few days." She walked out of the house then, on that promise, and Josh felt secure in the knowledge that his mother would indeed return.

But as *N Sync fans everywhere know, she never did. It was Roy and Karen Chasez who put Josh to bed that night, just as they would for many nights to come.

CHAPTER FOUR -- FIRST STRIKE

Present Day

JC smiled across the table. If it was possible, he could swear she was an angel. He'd never been very good with women, though, and he was nervous. She was so wonderful, he knew he couldn't screw this up.

"JC, are you okay?"

"Hmm? Oh yeah... I'm fine."

Her brow creased. "You look so deep in thought. But," she added with a smile, "I hear you're like that a lot."

"Heh, yeah."

"So ummm..." she paused, unsure of whether or not he would want to discuss his career with her. "You and the guys must be pretty busy with the tour, huh?"

"More than you can even begin to imagine." It amazed him that he had even found time to go out with her. "But it's great, though. We love it."

Their food arrived and the pair fell silent, busying themselves with the food in front of them.

Fourty-five minutes later, he pulled into her driveway and put the car in park. "I had a great time tonight, JC," she told him.

"So did I, Katie." He smiled-- he always smiled when he was around her, even though somewhere in the pit of his stomach, he still felt a little uneasy. "I'll call you," he promised.

"You better," she replied, moving to open her car door.

He leaned across the seat and planted a kiss on her cheek. "Goodnight, Katie."

"Goodnight, JC."

He watched her go to make sure that she got into the house okay, and then, humming softly to himself, backed out of her driveway and headed for home.

Two days later, JC sat impatiently on Katie's front steps, waiting for her to get home. He checked his watch for the millionth time. It was almost 5:30... she should have been home a half hour ago, and he didn't have much more time to waste sitting on her front steps. He had to meet the guys by 6:00 at Jive. For reasons unbeknownst to him, Chris had scheduled a group meeting, and had said it was important.

He pulled himself out of his thoughts and sprang to his feet as Katie's red corsica pulled into the driveway. He waited impatiently as she got out of the car and came to meet him. "JC! What're you doing here?"

"I had the afternoon off and I THOUGHT we could spend some time together, since we go back out ont he road tomorrow. But I guess not." He looked at his watch. "You got off work a half hour ago. Where have you been?"

She raised her eyebrows, taken aback by his attitude. "I went out for a drink with some of the girls from work," she told him. "JC, I'm sorry. If I had known you would be here, I--"

"Stop, Katie, just save it." Anger bubbled inside him, though he wasn't sure why. He didn't enjoy this feeling he was getting, but he couldn't stop it. "So you went for a drink-- where did you go?"

"To that club down the block from the office... oh, you know the one..."

"Zorro's?! That's a danceclub, Katie! Were you dancing?"

"Well, yeah, a little..."

"With guys?"

"No, I suddenly turned into a lesbian." She rolled her eyes. "Yes, with guys, JC."

"You just told me you went for a drink!" the anger was still rising. He could feel the blood rushing to his head, and he clenched and unclenched his fists in anger. "You told me you went for a drink with the girls from work. What you really did was go dancing with a bunch of guys. You're MY girlfriend!"

"Look, JC, it's no big deal. Just calm down." She took a step back from him. "JC, I don't like this side of you very much. I want you to go home."

"Why, so you can invite some of those guys from the club back here and finish what you started?!" he spat, leaning close to her.

"JC, I can't believe-- I can't-- Ugh! Just go home. Call me when you've calmed down."

"No, I don't think so."

"Okay, fine, don't call me. To be perfectly honest, I'm liking you less and less every second you stand here."

That did it. It pushed JC over the edge, and before he could stop himself, his fist had connected with her face. "BITCH!" he yelled. "I'll teach you to--" he stopped, the anger fading in an instant as he looked at her. Tears shone in her eyes, and he could see where he'd split her lip. "Oh dear God what have I done?" he asked himself under his breath. "Oh my Lord, Katie, I am so sorry..." He tried to reach out to hold her, but she backed away toward the house.

"Don't touch me!" she shouted. "Leave, and don't ever come near me again, or I'll have you arrested, Mr. Big Shot Pop Star."

"Katie, please..."

"I'm warning you, JC, just leave!"

He sighed and lowered his eyes to the ground. After a moment of hesitation, he got into his car and headed for Jive, still in shock over what he had done.

CHAPTER FIVE -- OVERDUE EXPLAINATIONS

Justin, Joey, Chris, and Lance were all sitting in the front office at Jive waiting for JC when he arrived. He walked in slowly, his eyes wide, and his face white as a sheet.

"Woah, JC, what's up, man?" Chris asked. "You look like you just seen a ghost."

"I hit her," he said in a hushed tone. "I... I hit her."

Justin frowned. "Hit who?"

"K-- Katie." He sat down slowly in a chair next to Joey, his mind miles away. "I hit her."

"Oh my God." Lance's eyes went wide. "I can't believe... I mean... why? She cheatin' on you, man?"

JC shook his head. "Dancing... she went dancing. She was late getting home from work." His next words, though he didn't remember or understand their origin, sent shivers down his spine as he spoke them in a monotone. "She broke the rules."

"What?" Joey leaned forward, looking JC in the face. "What do you mean?"

"I don't know." They sat in silence for a moment. "I can't believe I hit her."

Chris stood. "I move that we reschedule this meeting. JC, man... go home... get some sleep, maybe you'll feel better."

"Yeah... sleep..."

Karen Chasez was ironing her husband's shirt when JC walked in the front door, still in a daze. She looked up with a smile on her face to greet him, but her smile quickly faded at the look on his face. "Honey? Josh, what's wrong?"

"Mom I--" his brow furrowed, still in disbelief of his actions. "I can't believe... I hit Katie, Mom... I hit her... hard."

"God Almighty." She pulled him into a tight hug. After a moment, she turned away and called out, "Roy? Roy, come out here, please."

Roy Chasez poked his head out of his study. "What is it, Darlin'?"

"You know that talk we never had with Josh? I think the time's finally come."

"Now? Why now?"

"Because he..." tears glistened in her eyes. "He hit Katie."

Roy abandoned whatever he'd been working on and sat down on the couch in their family room. Karen walked JC around to the other side of the coffee table and sat him on the loveseat before going back to sit beside her husband on the couch. "JC, there's something... there's something we never told you... about your past," his father began. "You know you're adopted. That you remember."

"Yeah."

"But what you... what you've blocked out... is where you came from." Roy took a deep breath and glanced at his wife. "JC, your-- your mother was a friend of ours. She worked with Karen. That's... why she came to us, I think... She was a really nice lady. But your father... Josh, he was a monster. He-- he was abusive to your mother. We suspect he hit you, too, though nobody could ever proove it. And you were born into that, and spent five years in that house... when your mother told Karen about it, and she said he was TEACHING you how to BEAT a woman... we knew it was time we did something."

"But it was too late," JC whispered. "He... he made me this way. I learned it from him. I'm becoming a monster, just like him."

"No, Josh, you're not!" Karen exclaimed, jumping up off the couch and coming back around to where her son sat, pulling him into a tight hug. "We thought that you wouldn't remember, and that, spending the rest of your childhood in our loving home, none of this would ever manifest itself in your behavior... but we were wrong, and for that, we're sorry. You're not going to turn into a monster like him. You're going to get help, and you're going to be just fine."

"I remember how it was." He felt as if a part of his memory that had been locked for the past 17 years had suddenly been opened, and the awful memories came back to him in a rush. His tone was quiet and far away as he continued. "He-- he would sit me on the couch and make me watch him beat her. It was terrible, and I didn't want to, but he was so much bigger than me..." Tears sparkled in his eyes, and one slid down his cheek. "It was awful. For years, I could hear it at night, when I was trying to get to sleep..."

Karen still held him tight, and Roy came around the coffee table, joining the embrace. "Josh did he... did he hit you, too?"

JC sniffled. "Sometimes... sometimes when he was drunk... he'd hit me with his belt... Oh my God!" he buried his face in his mother's neck, feeling once again like that small child, so terrified of the things he wished he could forget. "Don't let me turn into him, please!"

"Sshhh... Josh... it's okay. Everything's going to be okay, I promise."

"My mom," he said suddenly, pulling back to look at his parents. "She left, and she never came back. Why didn't she ever come back?"

This was something else they'd always hoped he would forget. But he deserved answers. "We're sorry, Son," Roy told him, his voice soft. "Your mom... she left you here without the intention of ever coming back. She knew she couldn't care for you all by herself, and that she needed help. A shelter volunteered to take her in, but only if she had no children. She did what she had to do."

"But she loved you, Josh, she truly did," his mother added.

"Can I... get in touch with her?"

Roy sighed and shook his head. "I'm sorry, Josh... she's... she's dead, Son."

"What?"

"She had promised she'd write, and we could send her letters... but we didn't hear from her... and then about two weeks after you came to stay with us, her body was found no more than a mile from here. We suspect it was your father, but... that was never proven."

"Are you going to be okay?" his mother asked, looking deep into his blue eyes.

"I think I need some time alone," he told them. "But yeah. I'll be fine."

CHAPTER SIX -- REBUILDING

Two weeks passed before JC was able to talk openly with his friends about the horrible past he now remembered. But when he went to them, they listened patiently, hugging him when he cried, comforting his fears. This part of him, he realized, had never grown up past the age of five. This was his child inside, and now that he'd rediscovered it, it could not be ignored.

"JC, wait up!"

JC turned at Justin's voice. "Yeah?"

"I wanted to ask you something." Justin sat down on the bench outside their dressing room, and JC did the same.

"What's up, Curly?"

"It's about... well, you know." Justin looked down at his hands, unsure of how to bring the subject up. "JC, are you gonna... you know... get help?"

JC sighed. "I should, huh?"

"Yeah, you should. I love you, JC, and I don't want this to be something that takes over your life. I want you to be able to fall in love, and get married, and treat women right. You really scared us somethin' awful when you told us you'd hit her..."

"Scared me, too," JC replied.

"Have you spoken to her?"

"She doesn't want to see me." JC sighed. "Can't say I blame her, either. I really blew it."

"Maybe you should try..."

"Are you crazy? Curly, if she ever sees me again, she'll probably get a restraining order. The best thing I can do for both of us is just move on."

"But you're going to get help," Justin told him. "And that's not a suggestion-- it's an order. Have you talked to Johnny about this?"

"Talk to-- Are you nuts?! He'd have me behind bars in two seconds. I broke the law, Justin. What I did was hit my girlfriend for unjustified reasons. They call that domestic abuse, and it's a crime."

"Yeah, but you had no control over it!" Justin exclaimed. "Johnny will understand, and he can help you get the help you need."

"I guess. But my folks are taking care of that, Justin, so you don't have to worry. I start going to see the shrink next week. So just relax, alright? Good ol' JC is gonna get better if it kills him."

"Promise?"

"Promise." JC smiled and patted his younger friend's knee. "Come on. We've got soundcheck."

"I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, and--"

"CHRIS!" JC exclaimed, throwing down his pencil in frustration. "I'm trying to work over here, man."

"Oh, sorry." Chris leaned back in his chair and twirled it around several times, allowing a few moments of silence to pass over the pair in the front of the bus before he started singing again. "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, especially JC's, ladadadada..."

"CHRIS, GODDAMMIT!" JC jumped up out of his chair. Before he did anything rash, though, he took a deep breath to calm his temper. "Isn't there somewhere else you could be?"

"Not really."

JC groaned. "If you sing that again, I swear I'll--"

Suddenly, Chris was on his feet and headed to the back of the bus. "You know, I suddenly remembered that Justin challenged me to a game of Mortal Kombat earlier. So I'll just go back there now and leave you to your peace and quiet..." the door closed behind him, and he was gone.

At first, JC was thankful for the silence, but then... well, then he really thought about it. The way Chris had left like that, cutting it off right before those words "I'll kick your ass"... was he... AFRAID? Nah. Chris Kirkpatrick, afraid of HIM? Ha!

"Ha!" he said aloud to the room in general. But he couldn't ignore what his gut was telling him, reguardless of the fact that he didn't like it one bit.

When did my life get so complicated? he wondered. "Man," he said, talking aloud to nobody again. "I gotta put myself back together. Fast."

CHAPTER SEVEN -- WHY CAN'T I BE WHO I AM?

Now that he'd brought them back to the forefront of his memory, JC was haunted by the memories of his childhood. He dreamed about them, and very often woke up screaming, broke out in a cold sweat. It bothered him, and it bothered his friends.

It was a Tuesday morning when he first met with his shrink, a tall, skinny man with a mustach, Dr. Lindsay. He'd been personally recommended to JC's parents when they'd called the Family Crisis Center, not knowing where else to turn.

"I can't believe I hit her," JC told him, staring at the ceiling as he laid back on his couch. "I didn't even think about doing it until it was already done, and then I just felt so bad... but it was like I couldn't control my temper."

"Mmmhmmm. That's the way it is, Joshua. From what your parents told me when they scheduled this appointment, your first five years were some hell on earth... Do you remember anything about them? They said you were starting to recall bits and pieces..."

JC closed his eyes, remembering his dreams. "I see it in my dreams more than anything," he replied. "I remember... I remember he used to sit me on the couch and make me watch. He said I needed to learn..." tears threatened, but he blinked them back.

"To learn what?"

"To learn what to do when a woman breaks the rules." He stood up quickly and began pacing the room. "That's why I hit her. She came home late, and it was engraved in my mind... that was against the rules."

"Let me ask you something, JC. Up until this point, how have your relationships been with women?" The doctor leaned back in his black leather chair and steepled his fingers.

"Well... they've been... short, usually. A couple of months, at most. And I'd get real nervous around them, even after I was older and knew how to ask a girl out. Katie was the first girl I didn't make a fool out of myself in front of before asking her out. It's hard for me, even now, to go out with the guys, go to a club, and dance with girls, because I feel... I don't know. Awkward, I guess."

"What about your relationship with your parents-- the Chasez's?"

"I love them. I love them unconditionally, both of them. I had completely forgotten that they weren't really my parents until this all started... it sort of forced all of us to remember. Doc... can I ask YOU a question?"

"Go ahead."

"Why did this happen now? I mean... why not sooner? Or why at all? Save for those first five years, I grew up in a loving family environment. My dad treats my mom wonderfully. What... what happened?"

"It's like you said, sort of. Katie broke the "rules" that had been engraved in your mind years ago. Maybe she was the first to ever do so. Maybe you had a bad day that day, and it all surfaced, and on top of your bad day, it was enough to push you too far. You were shy as a kid, and in some ways you still are-- that's remnants of your past. Abused kids are usually quiet... they try to hide it, and I assume you were no exception."

JC nodded, sitting back down. "So be honest with me. How do I fix this? I want to get married and have kids some day, and I don't want to be the next in a long line of domestic abusers. How do I get better?"

"Honestly? It will be years. I want you to keep coming to see me on a regular basis, and we're gonna talk about your life, and how you're dealing with these memories, and what your love life's been like. But for awhile, I would advise you not to date... at least not on the personal level. The last thing you need is to get arrested. Going out with a group of friends in public would be fine, but no more sitting in girls' driveways waiting for them to get home from work, okay?"

"I guess."

"You're going to get through this, I promise. It's just going to take some time. Concentrate on your music-- it's what you do best." He glanced at his watch. "Your time's almost up... do you have anything else you want to ask me?"

"Just one thing."

"Alright."

"Should I try talking to Katie? Justin says I should, but I mean... she hates me, and I HIT her. You don't exactly forget about something like that in a couple weeks' time."

"Call her. Don't go to see her. Call her, and... I don't know how much she means to you, but JC, you are NOT ready for a relationship right now. It's the last thing you need. Explain the situation to her. Hopefully, she'll understand, but if not... that's just the way life is sometimes."

"Just the way life is," JC grumbled, getting to his feet and shaking the doctor's hand. "Thank you. I'll see you next week."

CHAPTER EIGHT -- LOSSES TO GAIN

"Hello?"

"Katie, it's JC. Don't hang up!" JC's urgent plea was his newest attempt to get her to stay on the line. This was the fourth time he'd called, and the previous three times, he'd found himself talking to the dialtone as soon as he said his name.

"Fine." She sighed. "What do you want, JC?"

"I just want to talk to you." He paused. "I-- I wanted to say that I'm sorry."

"Sorry doesn't change the fact that you HIT me!" she exclaimed, anger in her tone. "I never expected that from you, JC. Why'd you do it?"

"I don't know. I mean... I DIDN'T know. But I've talked to my parents, and I'm seeing a psychiatrist--"

"You've got a shrink?"

"Yeah. It really scared me, Katie. Look... I'd understand if you never talked to me again. I deserve it. What I did was wrong. But I've learned a lot about myself in the past few weeks, and the least you can do is listen."

"Okay, I'm listening."

JC launched into a speech that took a good five minutes to complete. He told her everything-- about his childhood, about being forced to watch his father beat his mother, about the night he'd come to live with the Chasez's, and about the day he'd spoken to his parents about all of this, and what they'd told him. He told her about the beatings he himself had endured as a small child, and the nightmares he was having now because of everything. By the time he finished, he could hear her sobs through the phone.

"Oh my God, JC... I had no idea..."

"I know it's no excuse, but... it's at least an explaination."

There was a pause while she reached for a tissue and blew her nose and took a few deep breaths to calm herself. "Thank you," she told him finally. "Thank you for sharing your story with me. It means a lot that I mean enough to you for you to remember all of that. It must be so painful..."

"It is."

"I don't think you're ready for a relationship right now, JC. You have some things in your life that you need to deal with, and I... as much as this means to me, it will be awhile before I can trust you again. I'm sorry."

He nodded, even though he knew she couldn't see it. "I understand. And I know I'm not ready for a relationship, with you or any other girl. I need to figure out some stuff... but Katie, will you wait for me?"

"JC, that's not fair. It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to you. Explaination or not, sorry or not, you still hit me, and you can't take it back. We will never have a relationship like we had." His face fell, and she could almost feel his heart break. "BUT," she added, wishing she could be there with him to comfort him and promise everything would be okay, "I would love to be your friend."

"Friend?"

"Yeah, you know... those people you laugh with, and talk with, and whose shoulders you cry on... we could have that."

"I think I'd like that."

"Me too." There was another pause. "I have to go, JC, but... call me."

"I will."

"Goodbye."

"Goodbye."

"Chris, can I talk to you?"

Chris looked up from the stack of papers in front of him and met JC's deep blue eyes. His brown ones clouded in response. "Uh... sure, I guess." He set the paper he'd been reading aside and set down his pen. "What's on your mind?"

JC sighed, settling himself across the table from Chris. "I know something's bothering you."

"What do you mean?"

"Chris, this is the most you've said to me since I told you guys about all this."

Chris shrugged nonchalantly, looking out the tour bus window. "So I've got a lot on my mind," he said quietly.

"Nuh uh, Chris, don't play it like that. You talk to the others just like normal ol' Chris. But when you get around me, it's almost like you're... I dunno. Scared of me or somethin'."

"Look, JC, it's... nothing personal, okay?"

"What isn't?"

Chris sighed. "You have to swear you won't tell the others."

JC held up a couple of fingers. "Scout's honor."

"I guess that's good enough. Look... JC, you know I love you. You're my brother, and even this doesn't change that. I'm sorry you had to go through what you did. But when you told us about it... especially about your past... something came back to me."

He sighed. "You know things were rough for me growin' up. But I'm not talkin' about being poor. I'm talkin' about not having a father around."

JC nodded.

"But there's something I never told you guys-- or anybody, really. See... my mom, she tried real hard. She wanted to find a dad for me so badly. And most of the guys she dated were really nice, don't get me wrong... it just didn't work out between them and my mom for one reason or another. But when I was about... nine, or so... she had this boyfriend, Gary. I used to call him Scary Gary." He laughed, but quickly sobered, staring JC straight in the face for the first time. "He hit my mom. I didn't know it, or I would've told somebody sooner. He always did it after I'd gone to sleep, or before I came home from school... And my mom, she was real good about hidin' it. But one day I came home from school early because of bad weather, and there he was, beatin' on her."

"Oh my God, Chris, I'm so sorry..."

"Don't be. It ain't your fault." He shook his head. "Anyway, unlike you, I was nine and I knew that was wrong, and I knew what to do about it. Before he could stop me I was out the door again. I ran two miles in the snowstorm until I got to the police station. And my mom and me, we moved on, and shortly after that she met and married my stepdad... but I was never quite the same. I don't dwell on it every day anymore, but I can never get the pictures out of my head. And... now... Lord help me, but I see YOUR face instead of his."

"And that's why you're bein' like this." It was a statement, not a question. "I'm sorry, Chris. I'm sorry about me, and about your mom. If I could change either one-- or both-- I would, believe me."

"Yeah. I wish the same thing. But you can't, and niether can I."

"And," JC added, leaning back and crossing his legs, "God does everything for a reason, right? Maybe the reason he made us friends is so we can help each other through this."

"I think maybe you're right."

"Yo! Geezers!"

The two eldest members of *N Sync looked up as Justin burst through the door that seperated the front and back of the tour bus. "Who you callin' a geezer?" JC challenged, getting to his feet. "Whatchu want, Baby? Time for your bottle? Or do you just want somebody to come back there and whoop your ass on the Playstation?"

Justin considered this. "Niether. Err... not really. Just wonderin' if you two would be so kind as to come back here and challenge me and Joey on that new NBA game we got." Chris was also on his feet by this point, heading down the isle. "You're on!"

CHAPTER NINE -- AM I THE ONLY ONE?

Chris's confession, while it bothered JC, also helped him to understand his older friend more. A bond formed between the two of them that they knew they would always share because of their childhood experiences.

A month passed. JC continued to see his psychiatrist-- it was difficult because *N Sync was on the road, but he made it work. He knew he had to. If he wanted to have any sort of romantic life with a woman, ever, he had to do this NOW.

He was doing well, really well. Dr. Lindsay said so. Yeah, he was on psychiatric medication, but it was doing him good. But he was not without his problems. JC's aggressive behavior, which had remained buried inside him for so long, bubbling and churning and threatening to explode at any moment for 17 years, now showed through. He became very short-tempered. The occassion on the bus where he'd snapped at Chris was just the beginning.

Usually it was Chris and Joey who bore the brunt of his anger-- they just pushed him too far. On more than one occassion, he'd tackled Joey to the floor, a fist poised in the air to hit him, before he realized what he was doing and backed away. He hated it, and so he talked to Dr. Lindsay about it.

"Baby steps, Joshua. Baby steps. I can see that you're improving," the professional man had said. "And your friends understand. I've spoken with them. They're concerned about you, but they're willing to be patient."

"Yeah, but... I hate myself every time I do it. I hate that... all this time I've been so laid back, so... shy, I guess... and all of a sudden, at almost twenty-four years old, I'm feeling the unwanted urge to be the crap out of my best friends. And Doc... what if someday, one of them hits me back? Thank God I've never gotten into it with Justin, or he would, I know he would. That boy's like a firecracker. What would I do then?"

"I can't really say. Have you been meditating like I suggested? Doing the breathing exercises when you feel yourself getting angry? They're important. I promise, little things like that help."

"And my medication...?" The doctor sighed, rubbing his temples. "I'm going to up your dosage. It'll make you real tired, real calm and relaxed, and you'll sleep a lot, especially the first week or so while you're getting used to it, but it should work-- as long as you take it. And please do, JC. I don't want to wake up one morning and have the news tellin' me that *N Sync broke up because they couldn't take you anymore."

JC laughed. "I don't forsee that happening. They might have me committed, though, if I keep doin' this."

"They love you. I can tell. Just be patient, Joshua. I promise... you'll get through this. Oh!" he seemed to suddenly remember something. "I have something for you. In addition to counseling sessions like these, the Family Crisis Center also has annanymous group meetings... We've got the ususal, you know, Alcoholics Ananymous, Overeaters Ananymous, and such... but we've also got a couple of groups you might be interested in." He handed JC two brochours. "The blue one is for a group that meets on Tuesday nights for one hour, from 7:00 to 8:00. It's an Ananymous group for young adults... mostly teenagers, but also some twenty-something's like yourself... who were abused as children, or who come from family situations-- well, similar to yours. And the second, the gray one... is for the abusers themselves."

JC shook his head doubtfully. "It'd be nice, but... with this face... how ananymous can I be?"

The doctor grinned, nodding. "I see where you're coming from, but... what's said in those meetings stays there, I promise you. Nobody would tell, and it would be good for you. Just promise me you'll think about it."

"Alright. I'll think about it."

He did think about it. He thought about it for a whole week. And on the following Tuesday, he made a decision.

"JC, where are we going?"

"We're gonna go to a meeting."

Chris rolled his eyes. "Dear God no... do you not realize we've been in meetings ALL DAY? Nuh uh. Not another business meeting, no way. I'll go NUTS!"

"It's not a business meeting, I promise you."

"Well then what the hell...?"

"Don't ask questions."

"Fine."

The two drove in silence for another ten minutes before JC reached the Crisis Center and parked his jeep among the other vehicles in the parking lot. He and Chris exited the vehicle and headed into the building, his friend still shooting him looks of bewhilderment.

They walked down the halls that were so familiar to JC now, and JC looked down at the paper in his hands. "Room 307, third floor," he said to himself. "Ah. Elevator. Come, my impish friend."

"Impish? This is not the time to insult me. I might just turn around and leave you here."

"And walk home?"

"Oh screw you."

Silence settled upon the pair as they rode the elevator to the third floor and located room 307. Then, timidly, JC opened the door.

A group of a dozen or so young people were seated in chairs and on couches, forming a circle. They looked up as JC and Chris came in. A couple of jaws dropped, but the group remained silent-- except for Chris, who turned around, pointing an accusing finger at his friend. "If you have just walked me blindly into an autograph signing session, I swear I'll kill you," he hissed. But JC just shook his head and guided Chris to an empty pair of chairs. The two of them sat.

"Just be quiet and listen," JC said calmly.

There wasn't anything to listen to for about two more minutes, at which point a woman in her early thirties with red hair and wearing a blue dress walked into the room and took an empty chair. She smiled and nodded in acknowledgement of JC and Chris before addressing the group as a whole. "Alright. Welcome back everybody. As you can see, we've got a couple of newcomers." She smiled at them again. "Would either of you like to start us off today?"

"I'll try." The determination in JC's voice startled his friend, but Chris was intrigued. Maybe he'd finally find out where he was and, more importantly, why he was here...

"My name is Joshua," he told the group. "And from the time I was born until I was five years old, I was abused, and watched my mother being abused, by my biological father."

An hour later, the group exited the little room, heading into the hall. Chris was silent with awe, and tears shown in his eyes. The two singers walked in silence to JC's jeep, and not a word was spoken until they were on the road, headed for Chris's apartment. "So," JC said at last, "Are you glad you let me drag you along?"

"I... hell yeah." Chris swallowed hard. He couldn't believe the things that had fallen on his ears in the past hour. The stories were horrific. "Thank you so much, JC."

"No, Chris. Thank YOU. Thank you for going, and for listening, and for opening up about something you've been holding inside for so long. Look... I don't expect you to understand about why I am the way I am, but my hope was that maybe, tonight, both of us would get a little better understanding of where the other was coming from."

"Well I certainly did."

"Yeah." JC smiled, leaning over to give his friend a hug as they pulled up next to the complex where Chris lived. "So did I."