Baby Talk

Part I: Fluffy Girl

Gingko Biloba took the stack of papers to his desk, and flopped them down. It was only the beginning of the day and she had to behold his horrible visage.

She sighed and began her daily tirade. It was going to be your average day at St. Canard Branch office.

"Prepare to die Odious Rooster." She said non-commitally handing him a paper to initialize. She didn’t watch him sign it. She put that in the "The claws of fate…are upon you" he signed another big sloppy SB.

"Feel the wrath of…um this needs two signatures. Inside yes and…" She picked up the papers. "Feel the Wrath of Gingko Biloba, Night Mistress of the Mysterious Night!" she flashed her razor sharp claws.

Steelbeak started back to life after that noise "Oh Annie, sorry. I didn’t see you there. Did you get those contracts come in?"

Gingko Biloba took a long look at her boss. He wasn’t his usual disgusting and loathsome self. Of course he still was repugnant to nature and to God, but he was different. He was smiling and looking of into the distance, as if he were a million miles away. She could have snuck up behind him and clobbered him over the head, but she deigned to ask him.

"Is there anything wrong?"

He laughed "Wrong? Wrong? Oh Annie you beautiful creature. Nothing could be more poifect and beautiful. I met someone."

"What?" Gingko Biloba said. Steelbeak never normally blabbed about his personal life, not that anyone could keep up with all the bimbos he had shacked up with. It would take four phone books to do that.

Strangely afraid this was going to turn into one of those machismo male locker room stories she tried to slip away.

"Oh she is just the most gorgeous and sweetest little thing in the entire universe. Her name is…" he sighed out "…Serena." he sunk down into his desk so ecstatically happy he couldn’t sit up.

"Suh reeeen Na?" she mocked him.

"Yeah. That’s it, it. Doesn’t it sound more and more beautiful each time you say it?"

"No." Gingko Biloba tried to turn away.

"Serena, or Rena, yes that’s so cute too. But she is adorable, so it works." He said.

"Are you sick or something?" Gingko asked him

"Hey this girl is something else. Let me tell you."

"You couldn’t have fallen in love. You didn’t even know her last weekend." Gingko Biloba commented.

"…Wait Love. You mean the L- word. No…pf fuhget about it. Hey I am the Steelbeak; I don’t fall in love with no dames. She is just no dame. She is, she is- a real classy broad."

"Oh." Gingko Biloba lifted up his ink blotter where he had written a million times ‘SH + SB 4 ever’

He grabbed it and crumpled it up. "I was just testing my pen. See it works. Now back to business. Where are those contracts?"

"You just signed them."

"Really oh, well then you can go."

Steelbeak chuckled as she left.

If there was something more odious and horrible than working for her mortal enemy, is working for her mortal enemy when he was sprung on some hoochy mamma. He would sit there in his office at his computer, writing little love IM’s, giggle at nothing. He would stare at the walls, and if she had to remind him to go to lunch one more time….

Even the dark powers were no match for the power of puppy love. It created a haze of joyous abandon and sweetness. Gingko was sure she was going to get a cavity.

The worst part was whenever anyone would ask him anything about being in love is that he’d try to deny it. This Pernicious spawn of evil was really a jerk when it came to commitment. He didn’t even say the word Love. He’d always call it the L-word, which made him even more obnoxious.

There have been many times when Gingko Biloba’s sacred quest to rid the world of Steelbeak had faltered. She had wondered if she should give up or just let him live or quit FOWL. But then she would remember that one day…

"Hey Annie. I want you to take down something."

She walked into her office with the little alpha smart keyboard, putting the FOWL header on top and getting ready to type.

He coughed.

"‘Dear Rena-Pooch:

Daddums miss his widdle puppy wuppy. Pwease Pwease, Come back to St. Canard, and seeums da Daddums Chickie.

A billion million kissees and huggies

Steelie-Cheep’

You got that?"

Gingko Biloba recoiled in abject horror at what she wrote. Daddums chickie? How did you spell that? Her little keyboard fizzed and buzzed as the spelling errors overloaded,

Should she that in standard or scientific notation? 1,001,000,000 kisses or 106 * 109…

"Okay read it back to me."

Gingko’s heart fell into her mouth.

"Come on. It’s just a letter."

"I will never read this aloud." She pushed away her keyboard. "I *should* purge it from my hard drive, so that it won’t corrupt the network server." She crossed herself.

"Read it." He pointed at her.

"No."

"Come on, Kiddo. It’s just a letter."

Gingko Biloba stared at the evil and malevolent rooster.

"Dear RENA-…ppp…ookie"

"Yeah?"

Her stomach wrenched at the incurable vileness that was this note.

"Daddums miss his his little-"

"I said widdle."

Gingko Biloba gnashed her teeth

"WIDDLE puppy wuppy."

She tried to behold the horror of the next phrase without going blind

"Pwease Pwease Come to St. Canard and seeums… da DADDUMS CHICKIE." Her bowels clenched, her eyes must have been bleeding.

"A billion million kissees and huggies" she was panting from fatigue after the horrible ordeal.

"Steelie-cheep" she nearly passed out.

Steelbeak looked up

"What was I thinking? A million billion kissees. That’s way more. All right scrap that. We’ll write another… Dear Rena Pookie…"

Gingko Biloba screamed the scream of a thousand sorrows.

She had enough. It was one thing to work at the office of the most Reprehensible creature ever born, but it was another to have her type baby talk love notes. She had it. She was going to get him.

If only she was a gold level agent then she could kill him in the office. But she was only green like most of the secretaries and desk agents. If she’d kill Steelbeak she’d probably lose her gym privileges, or get sent before a firing squad or worse…she might lose her job. It wouldn’t make sense to keep on the secretary of a dead agent. No she had to bide her time and strike him in a way she couldn’t be held accountable.

But no, no. She could not stand the evil, the horror of the most insidious baby talk into her brain. It was planted in the deepest darkest part of her consciousness for all eternity. It would always be there. She had to make him suffer. She would, but how? He barely acknowledged the fact she breathed these days. He was always thinking about his Serena. Serena Renie, Rena, Su-reeeen-nah. HARRRRRRRGH.

But that was it. Ah Hah. She leapt on top of the coffee cart.

"Get your foot out of the tea boat." Peter Swansen said.

She got back down but the plan was already brewing in her head. She could get Serena. She could punish Serena for his ungodly crimes against her. Yes, she would kidnap Serena and threaten to kill her. Yes it would work perfectly. Then he could die and be miserable. She finished her coffee and went back to her desk to plan. She cackled.

She snuck into his office after he left. She clicked into his computer. She deftly signed on to his IM.

She groaned at the name LoveChicken 68. She looked for who could be this Serena. She clicked into his buddy list.

Man for being such a ladies man he didn’t have many people on his buddy list.

There were two only

NiceNClean23 (blocked)

And

Fluffygirl

She clicked on the first name.

-Steelie It’s good to talk to you again. If you haven’t guessed it’s Ammonia.

Gingko closed the window. And sniggered. She turned off the warning against her.

She opened the next one. That window was open

-I’ll see you tonight. Well I got to go ND is calling ^_^ BRB XOXO

She was still on. What luck?

"Change of plans…" she regretted to do it "Rena-Pookie. Meet me at my office at…(bleeped out for readers protection) "

Gingko Biloba cackled as she typed in the address.

"Now your girl friend is mine. BWAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHa!"

Steelbeak entered his office

"Hey Annie, what are you doing?"

"Nothing." She hid her fingers behind her back.

"You talking to Serena?"

"No, I wouldn’t. I think it’s wrong to snoop in people’s private business." She said.

"It’s okay. I don’t mind. Didn’t I tell ya she was great?"

"Um why, I didn’t talk for long, she seems nice."

"Hey come on. You two will get along just great. Here let me."

He sat down

-Hey Rena Babe. My friend Annie wants to talk to you.

The computer squawked cheerfully.

The computer beeped and perky almost annoying response.

-Hi Annie!

Steelbeak smiled "Go on, you two girls chat." He rubbed her hair. "You are going to love Serena."

-Hey.

-Wazup? NMH. IMHO…. It went on like that forever.

Gingko Biloba’s head hurt. There was only so much sweet adorable nettiquette her poor eyes could stand. She sat at her boss’s keyboard thinking of something to type for a complete stranger she was going to kidnap in three hours.

If Serena was as sweet and wholesome as her IM’s this would be a snap. Gingko Biloba changed out of her office wear into her cat suit. She slinked stealthily along the tops of the filing cabinets. Jumping gracefully from block to block, like a squirrel of might, like a serpent of-

"Hey Anne, leaving work early?" one of the workers looked up at her.

"Peter what are you doing here? I thought everybody left."

"No, I’ve got to type these invoices. What’cha doing up there crawling around up there?"

Gingko Biloba blushed "Umm Looking for …um uh… for this." grabbing a paper. "Well I don’t have to do this anymore?"

"Well good."

Oh well now she couldn’t pounce on them. She jumped off the filing cabinet. Well this Serena didn’t sound tough. She would just swoop in and grab her. She waited around the corner of Steelbeak’s office. The others started to chatter as they left.

"Hey did you see Agent 1’s new girlfriend?"

One wolf whistled.

"What is she a dog, a weasel?"

"A fox?"

"A fox."

The same whistle only strangely amazed.

"Kinky!"

"A fox and a rooster?"

"Hey I don’t judge. "

"Look. Steelbeak is the kind of guy who could have any one of us killed and have our bodies buried in some cornfield, You know?"

"What do they do on dates?"

"I don’t want to think about it."

No. The Odious Rooster had left already, and took his sweet little Serena with him. Gingko Biloba sprung into action.

She leapt on an office chair, rolled down the hall, slid down the banister, sprang through the revolving, got stuck in the revolving door. Got stuck in the revolving door… She sighed.

"My Pinky." She squealed.

The other FOWL workers came out of the regular glass door "See you tomorrow, Annie." Peter stopped and helped her get unstuck

"Watch those nails, Annie."

"Peter you didn’t see where Steelbeak went."

"Oh he’s headed off with his new girlfriend, to the Dock Festival."

"Where’s that?"

"The docks I suppose." Peter shrugged. Gingko Biloba saluted him "You shall not be forgotten for this deed."

Gingko Biloba leapt up. She swung from a light post to get a running start, through the streets of St. Canard, as fast as her legs could carry her.

"You aren’t going to stalk him or anything?" Peter yelled after her, but she was out of range.

The barker shouted "Hurry Hurry, Test your strength."

Serena and Steelbeak were walking arm in arm down the boardwalk. Serena was dressed in her bulky black leather jacket and of course her nosey glasses.

Steelbeak sighed, "You can take off the glasses, sweetie."

"What if the police see me?"

"Police." Steelbeak chuckled. "Let me tell you something about FOWL. Here nobody sees nothing. It’s great. Let me show you an example."

He waved the corn dog vendor "Hey guy. Do you see this?" he handed him a big wad of cash.

"Yes."

"Do you see the notorious Steelbeak?"

"Oh no."

"Do you see the beautiful Miss Serena Hikariwa, cousin of Negaduck?"

"No."

"Then you won’t see me do this." He grabbed two corn dogs and run.

"Hey those cost… Never mind Mr. Ste- whoever you are."

Serena laughed. "Wow."

"Your corn dog madam moy sell." He handed it to her with a little flourish.

"Thank you kind sir." She still kept her glasses on. This broad was one of a kind. She bit into the corn dog. "It must be great to be a FOWL agent."

"Absolutely. Best dental and health care. Great advancement opportunities. Not to mention all members get a limited time SVLA catalogue. I can’t tell you all the great rays and bombs you can find in there."

"Wow. Cousin Negaduck doesn’t even give us a Christmas bonus."

"FOWL is a business. If it’s workers are happy and well paid well the business profits, whether if it makes patio umbrellas or death machines."

"Tell me more about the Health Club Privileges." She snuggled up to him.

Gingko Biloba was hiding on top of the barker’s booth. A little boy looked up at her. She growled at him.

"Mommy Mommy look, that boy is climbing on the tent. I want to climb on the tent!"

"Just because his Mommy is irresponsible doesn’t mean I’ll let you break your neck. Come on." She yanks him away

"I am not a boy." She hissed to herself.

"Step right up, test your strength. Win a prize."

Gingko Biloba saw Steelbeak approach. She got ready to spring out, but where was the girl? All she saw was a strange young fox with a big nose, mustache and black glasses. Serena had probably gone into the bathroom. She crawled to the edge of the tent to get a better look at Steelbeak. She began to slip. She dug her claws into the edge of the tent. Steelbeak spoke to the young man.

"Are you sure you want to keep those things on all night?" he asked.

The fox removed his glasses.

Gingko Biloba gasped. It was all a deceit. She pointed at the girl and stupidly let herself slip another four inches

Gingko Biloba began to fall. She grabbed onto the tattered remnants of the tent, but instead she flipped backwards over to the top of the strength tester, claws dug deep inside of the steel.

"Cool. A strength tester. I saw one of those in a cartoon." Serena pointed

"Test your arm. Win a little friend for the little lady." The barker pointed his cane at Steelbeak.

"Hey Babe watch this." He pushed back his sleeves.

Steelbeak picked up the giant hammer, and slammed it.

The piston reached the top but Gingko Biloba’s chin blocked the sound. It landed on "Woose".

"Ooh looks like the chicken with all the muscles is a little girly man.

"What? Here give me that." Handed him another dollar.

Gingko Biloba climbed into a better position, rubbing her chin.

He slammed the hammer against the pad. This time twice as hard.

The piston would have rang the bell if Gingko Biloba wasn’t sitting on it. She covered her mouth, to prevent a sound from coming out.

It landed on "Pussy Willow"

Steelbeak chuckled, and squished the guy's lips together "It’s got to be broken. Let me try it one more time."

It landed on "I feel a light breeze. Are you even picking up the mallet?".

"Hey Look at Mr. Huge and Defenseless. I’m so weak." The barker started dancing around

Steelbeak growled and the barker ran to the Funnel Cake tent.

Steelbeak placed a fifty-dollar bill on the counter. He began bashing and banging on the pad with the hammer.

Serena tried to grab his arm. "It’s okay. It’s okay, I don’t need a bear."

Steelbeak was turning red in the face "That’s it!" The rooster through aside the hammer and spread out his arms

"Stand back."

He bashed his beak on the pad with all off his might. The might force of the pad knocked Gingko Biloba off the strength tester and onto the ground. There was a huge ring

Steelbeak asked woozily "Did I win?" he fell over.

Serena squealed "Oh you are a big old stud." She kissed him on the beak before he passed out.

She looked at Gingko Biloba. "I knew it this game is rigged."

All Gingko Biloba could hear was "ring ring ring, ring ring ring rigged."

Gingko whose belt was hooked on the piston now. She watched the fox slap the pad lightly, she went flying into the night sky. Completely out of control. When she landed she lifted her head from the ground.

Serena lifted the huge strength tester over her head and tied it up it a pretzel around Gingko Biloba.

"Shame on you two. These games are supposed to be fun. Now I want you to promise that you will never bring your scam to any carnival ever again.

"Ring?"

"Well that’s close enough. Come on Steelie lets go." He handed her the bear as she dragged him off.

"Oh aren’t you sweet. I don’t care what women’s lib says. I just love it when a guy wins me a present."

Part II: Girlfriend

As soon as the fireman cut her out of the twisted wreck of metal, Gingko Biloba was on the streets again. She would find out what was behind all this.

Obviously this girl had more strength or facial hair than she intended.

She collected her thoughts on the subject.

Serena was very strong and very sweet. She was also probably trusting and nice. So she would come and do Annie or Steelbeak a favor and whammo. Then she could get her.

Serena had left 3 away messages on Gingko’s computer the next morning. Serena wouldn’t recognize Annie as the person she saw last night. Now was her chance.

-Say Serena I know I shouldn’t say anything but Steelbeak has a real big surprise for you.

The computer squawked

-really. Wow.

-It is really great, why don’t you come down and see it.

-I doesn’t want to interrupt his work.

-Trust me, Gingko knew she was bordering on cliché and would rip off a great TLK line but she had to type it

-It’s to die for.

-Okay I’ll be over in a few. See you there, Annie. Can’t wait to meet you.

Yes. Gingko said.

She still had time for coffee.

Peter Swansen, perhaps the perkiest guy on Green Level clearance was there.

"Hi Annie. Want some fresh fruit?"

"Coffee is fine, Peter."

"Well today is banana awareness week. These bananas have been going like crazy. Did you know the banana is the descendent of the boysenberry? And that bananas are high in potassium and folic acid and-"

"No I didn’t." Gingko said trying to not remember.

"If you are really interested here is the Banana Council pamphlet."

"This is in color."

"Yeah, they go all out in the advertising."

"Yes well. I got my coffee. Good bye."

"Wait, Annie there is something I want to talk to you about. All of us are kind of worried here on Green."

"What it is?"

"We think you should stop stalking Steelbeak."

"Come again."

"You know stop following him around, sneaking into his office that kind of thing. It’s kind of creeping us out."

"If I don’t follow him, how am I supposed to kill him."

Peter held her shoulder obviously not listening.

"Now I know the dating scene can be hard. Hey Angelica left me at the altar, remember? And I know Steelbeak is powerful an handsome and rich and charming-"

"Well who ever told you that is wrong." Gingko jumped on the coffee cart. "Steelbeak is the antithesis of all that is decent, pure and good in the world and even his memory must be stomped into shadowy oblivion. Every breath he takes is a blight on the true nature of creation, and I will not rest until he has suffered a horrible gut wrenching, feet boiling death!"

Peter "Poor Annie. You have to get over this crush on Steelbeak, he’s your boss."

"Listen Peter, the only thing I’m going to CRUSH on is his vile pernicious skull, with a thirteen ton safe."

Peter sighed and gave her a hug. Clio came in, returning from her second hour in the bathroom. She always had trouble flushing. She’d spend hours in there

She sat cross-legged on the floor and looked at the gleam off the coffee machine.

"Hi Clio. It’s Banana Awareness Week. Do you know that-"

"Banana." She nodded laughing sleepily and chanted rocking herself. "Banana, Banana, Banana." She began singing. "Bo Nan Naaaaah. Heheheh."

"Right why don’t I just leave you a pamphlet here on the floor. Have fun." Peter slunk off. "Hope that Banana things works out with yourself."

Gingko Biloba jumped off the coffee cart. It was time for her to act. She went to the bathroom to change into her costume.

"Hey Clio, I’m going to the bathroom."

"Cool man."

Gingko Biloba headed to the ladies room.

"What the Ladies room no! You can’t go in there."

"But how am I supposed to change. What have you been doing in there anyway Clio?"

"Here, change in my cubicle." Clio offered unbelievably coherent and nervous. "I’ll guard the door so no one looks at you."

"I think I’ll just go to the ladies."

Clio leapt and grabbed her leg "Puhlleeeease don’t go in there!"

"All right. But I swear, if someone catches me doing this, you’re going down with me Clio."

"What are you doing that’s so bad?"

"I’m going to kidnap Serena."

"Huh?"

"Steelbeak’s girlfriend?"

"Wha?"

"The BOSSES GIRLFRIEND

"Um…"

"You stupid Burnout. Steelbeak’s our boss and I’m going to kidnap his girlfriend!" Maybe she shouldn’t have yelled that at the top of her lungs.

"Annie will you keep your voice down. We are trying to work-"

"Yeah talk about your boyfriend Steelbeak later."

"I can’t take this. Oooh When I’m top agent at FOWL everyone down here is fired."

The office laughed.

She slid into Clio’s cubicle to transform.

Serena Hikariwa entered the underground tunnel.

"Oh that sneaky little rooster. I wonder what he has planned…" she spoke into the sensor "Serena Hikariwa, orange clearance"

The floor rose up and she walked over the acid pit. A mechanical voice intoned "ID Confirmed, Welcome to FOWL Miss Hikariwa, where we have been supplying the world with Mayhem and the Seeds of Destruction since 1933."

I wish Negaduck would get one of these pits, they are like so cool. We don’t even have a retinal scan.

A laser beam scanned her body. Of course it would probably backfire if Darkwing Duck ever came along. He probably has the same retinal print…

"You are looking nice today." The voice intoned and wolf whistled. It sounded strangely like Steelbeak. But it always did that when she entered the building. He probably said that to all the girls entering the retinal scanner.

She continued onto the office…

In the office Gingko Biloba was pulled up her long gloves…

"Steelie, I know you’re here somewhere."

She straightened her long knee length boots…

"Excuse me, umm it’s Peter right? Have you seen Steelbeak around?"

Peter smiled "Yes his office is-"

"Serena. You cannot escape! Your fate is sealed at the claws of Gingko Biloba Night Mistress of the Mysterious Night."A voice clattered through the walls of the Office.

"Oh no, Clio has finally flipped!"

"That’s not Clio! It’s Annie."

"Since when does Annie do drugs?"

Steelbeak slammed the door to his office tried with all his might to cover his ears "I did not hear dat! Clio does not do drugs."

Serena stared up at the ominous specter of doom clad in black

"Say what’s going on here? You’re the lady from the Dock Festival."

Gingko flipped off the edge of the cubicle, and menaced her claws very close

"Come along quietly and you won’t be hurt."

Serena screwed up her forehead into a question mark.

"Wait? Aren’t you a dog?"

"What-"

"I mean if you’re a dog why do you have claws? I though only cat creatures have claws."

Gingko frowned "Well I can have claws if I want."

"Then why don’t you call yourself Claw or Black Claw or-"

"I-"

"Why do you call yourself Bingo Carcinoma?"

"It’s Gingko Biloba."

"Fandango Melanoma?"

"Gingko-"

"Ringo Cleopatra?"

"I will not stand to be insulted. I am Gingko Biloba, like the herbal supplement that comes from a gymnosperm tree that stimulates mental activity by creating space between neurons thus increasing synaptic function. Gingko Biloba, Gingko Biloba! GING-KO BIL-OBA!"

Serena scratched her chin; "You know what you should call yourself… Dog Claw."

Gingko sucked in a huge breath.

"I believe you are trying to determine my intelligence. How typical."

"Hey I don’t determine the hypothetical." Serena crossed her arms.

Gingko grabbed her arm "Either come peacefully or I’ll have to knock you out."

"I’m not going anywhere with you, Bingo Melatonin. I have to snoop on my boyfriend and I have to go meet Annie Pedicure. I still haven’t met her."

Gingko Biloba stroked Serena’s chin "Foolish little Fox. I am Annie Pedicure. Under the guise of Annie I have devised a deviously brilliant trap to kidnap you."

"Oh so I get it."

"Yes BWAHAHA.

"This is all a joke." Serena laughed.

"What!" Steam came out of Gingko’s ears

"Oh Annie you are so funny. Like you could kidnap me. Wow I’m glad I met you. You are the funniest-"

"Don’t laugh at me." Gingko whined "I’m a dangerous force of evil." She frowned

Serena fell over laughing "This is so funny. Here this is" she held her fingers in her hair "Oh no help I’m being attacked By Princess Garlic Pill. Help HELP." Serena held her hand to her forehead "I think she’s going to give me a bad nail job. Oh I shall faint." Serena collapsed in heap of guffaws and giggles.

Gingko stared at her "You are being sarcastic, aren’t you?" She raked her claws through the wall of the cubicle and it split into shreds, revealing the shocked worker inside "I hate sarcasm!"

Serena sat up

"That was kind of mean. Why’d you do that?"

"That’s the idea, Fluffy Girl. I’m just really bad Yeah." Serena rolled her eyes as she stood up, "Now I’m going to teach you a lesson you won’t soon forget."

Gingko jabbed her claws in the air, almost before Serena could dodge "Hey you could hurt somebody."

"Yes Serena I have seen you in action." She grunted and tried to stab Serena in the neck. "I know all of your moves."

Serena rolled out of the way

"I know all of your attacks. Your brute strength is nothing on my canine agility."

"Isn’t that feline ag-" Serena asked. At this Gingko tried to slash her eyes. Serena ducked and crawled away. Gingko did a back flip before her.

"I am not a cat. I am a dog. And you are my prisoner. Your simple insignificant unrealistically super human strength is no match for my-"

Serena gulped. "Umm…Look over there a distraction."

"Where?" Gingko turned around. Serena grabbed her leg and flipped her upside down.

"Oh Pluck."

Serena began swinging Gingko by her leg headfirst into the ground. Gingko tried to crawl away but Serena still held her leg and slammed her head into the ground on the other side.

"Bam Bam BamBamBam. I learned this move on the Flintstones. Bam Bam BamBamBam."

She picked Gingko over her head, and spun her around over her head like a helicopter.

"Flintstones, meet the Flintstones…" Serena started humming. Gingko turned green and covered her mouth.

"Wow I’m getting kind of dizzy." Serena said, Gingko looked at her. She held Gingko upside down; one leg considerably longer than the other, Gingko was a little disoriented as she continued to threaten Serena

"You’ll…NEVER…escape Annie…I mean Steel-Rena…Pookie." She passed out.

"Well it serves you right you big old meanie." She shook Annie a little to wake her up. "How dare you attack on people for no reason? You deserve that headache you’re going to have."

"I didn’t. I have a really good reason."

"Well what could it be."

"It is painfully simple my dear. I was going to kidnap Steelbeak’s girlfriend and ransom her for his life. Yes that way I could get the Odious Rooster at his own game…"

Serena was silent for several moments.

"Steelie called me his girlfriend?"

She dropped Gingko on her head.

"Oh wow."

"What did you-"

Serena kneeled down and looked her in the eye.

"Oh I wasn’t sure. I mean we went on a few dates and we had a lot of fun, but I didn’t know he considered me his real life honest to goodness girlfriend. I mean he does get around."

"Of course he calls you his girlfriend." Gingko rubbed her head. "My girlfriend Serena, Rena, Rena-Pookie. It’s all he ever talks about."

"Wow. He talks about me in the office." Serena sighed. Then she squealed with glee. "This is the happiest day of my life."

Gingko was about to make a strategic retreat. But Serena twirled her in for a big hug.

Gingko screamed no. But it was too late.

Gingko’s claws were coming through Serena’s back.

Gingko Biloba fainted.

Part III: Stuck

Steelbeak finally came out of the office. It was way too quiet.

Clio looked with some glimmering of awareness "Say won’t the boss get mad if he finds out his girlfriend is dead."

Peter Swansen stared at her "No I think he’ll be quite happy about it." He smiled. Clio smiled. "For the sake of GOD. Go stall him, Clio!!!"

"Okay, man. Cool." Clio wandered off to intercept Steelbeak.

"Oh, this is really going to pluck up our health insurance plan." Peter said trying to wake up Annie.

There was a faint stir.

"Annie wake up."

It wasn’t Annie. Serena sat up

"Owwwww. That smarts." Serena pinched Gingko, who woke up.

"OWWWWWW!" Gingko shouted.

"See how you like it, you big bully." Serena tried to cross her arms

Gingko took one look at her steel claw sticking through Serena’s chest, and passed out again.

"Big Baby." Serena rolled her eyes. "Help her off of me."

Peter very politely helped Serena stand (being the consummate gentleman he was) After he did he ran of screaming incomprehensibly, waving his arms.

Peter ran by Steelbeak

"Peter I am working on a huge project right now. I am about to address the Leaders of the free world to fork over 100 trillion dollars for the culmination of our Genera Ray Project, I would just like to know, what’s going on?" He grabbed Peter and held him in place.

"She…I…ee.aah, With the claws and whaaa eech to."

"Sorry I’m not fluent in panicky Swan." He dropped Peter to shiver and suck his thumb

"Clio, o you know what’s going on?"

"Dude. You must be like that guy that people call Steelbeak. Cause you have…a steel beak."

"Ask a stupid question. I’m not expectin high level surveillance. I just wanna know what is happening out here."

Clio’s brain remembered "Don’t worry it has nothing to do with your girlfriend being dead."

"WHAT!!!????"

"Oh yeah and you’re not supposed to go over there, because... like I dunno something."

Steelbeak dashed over to the scene to find-

Nothing.

"You two are acting really strange. I’m going to call Serena just in case."

Gingko and Serena were stuck in the Ladies Room.

"Wake up Gingko."

"Oh, I had the craziest dream I just stabbed someone through the chest and they rose from the dead and carried me into the-"

"If you faint again I’m going to kick your butt. Gingko Biloba. I almost didn’t pull us into this room in time. Steelie would have fired you if you were caught stabbing his girlfriend."

"I didn’t stab you. You tried to hug me and I couldn’t control myself and now..." The wound sparked

"Now you’re stuck."

"I’m not stuck. I-" Gingko tried to pull her claw out. She jerked and jerked. She put her toe on Serena’s back.

"Quit it." Serena waved her away. She pulled Gingko’s hair

"Oww. Stop." Gingko screamed. Gingko twisted her nail

"Oww.You stop."

"YOU STOP."

Serena conked her on the head.

"How come you’re not dead!"

"Oh it’s so embarrassing."

"Serena, you have three steel claws piercing through your lungs and you’re worried about being a little embarrassed. We should get you to the emergency room."

"No I can’t go to the hospital. They’ll find out that-"

Gingko stared.

"You have to promise not to tell anyone."

"What?"

"Promise?"

"I don’t believe this."

Serena was almost crying

"All right Serena, I promise I won’t tell."

"Only 6 people in the world know. Darkwing Duck and my Cousin Negs, and my Uncle Jonathan Mallard, Uncle Ron Rivera, my mom and Professor Von Drake. And if anyone else would find out I’d never be able to escape, or live a normal life. I don’t think I should tell you."

"Serena, My claw is sticking in your back and you are not dead. I think I have the right to know why."

"I’m a cyborg." Serena said. "It feels so good to admit it at last."

"But you don’t look like one. You just look like a normal girl."

"That’s the idea. I look like a human I have a human brain but I’m not a human. I don’t have blood or lungs or any of those gushy things that get hurt when a regular girl gets stabbed through the chest."

"Oh." Gingko nodded nervously.

"No I’m still a perfectly normal girl. You just can’t stab me in the chest like most people."

Gingko sighed "It would explain why you were so strong."

"Each one of my artificial muscles equals the strength of a hundred regular human muscles. And I don’t need oxygen and I guess that’s about it."

"So this doesn’t hurt you."

"Of course it does you’re pinching me Ow. Sit still."

"Sorry. I’ve never stabbed anyone before."

"Oh and here you are telling everyone you’re the big bad Gingko Biloba, when you never even stabbed anybody. You are such a hypocrite. I’m never talking to you again."

"Well good riddance you trash can." Gingko walked off about three feet

"Trashcan?" You dumb cat wannabe." Serena pouted

"Rustbucket."

"Toothpick."

"Bimbo."

"Pink Eyed Weirdo."

"Red tailed Jail bait."

"Pyscho hosebeast stalker."

They growled at each other.

They heard a knock on the stall door.

"Hey what do you got in there. Can I have some?"

Gingko slapped her self. "It’s Clio."

"What’s wrong with that girl?"

Gingko made a tell tale gesture of what you she took in the bathroom.

"You mean she’s a-"

"Hey I got to flush something."

"All right" Gingko and Serena growled.

"Whoa. I sense a moment of Canine Unity. I’ll use the next stall."

Serena and Gingko came out.

"Now how to get by Steelbeak. How do we leave the building without him seeing us? Or setting off the security detectors"

Clio sniggered. "Come on ask me a hard one. Out the ladies room window."

Serena balked "But what about the security precautions and the acid pit, and everything. Won’t it be hard to escape?"

Clio rolled her eyes "No it’s a piece of cake. Here I’ll give you guys a boost."

"Thanks Clio."

"You’re the best."

Steelbeak got the Fearsome Five’s answering machine.

Negaduck’s voice intoned "If you have called here unwittingly then abandon all hope. We will find you, we will kill you, we are the Fearsome (crash)"

Negaduck’s voice stopped and was replaced by a whiny Quacker Jack

"’Negaduck these guys put a dress on Mr. Banana Brain. Look at him.’"

And Megavolt ‘Look at the pretty Banana. Hahaha’

‘The new improved Mr. Banana Brain with taffeta power.’

‘Guys that’s not very nice, you guys. Give Quacker Jack back his dolly.’

‘Shut up Twiggy’

‘Okay Sparky.’

‘Don’t call me SPARKY!!!!’

‘You morons! Shut up. I’m trying to record a message here. Why is it every time I-’"

The sad thing was this was probably the best message out of a whole series.

"This is Akkkkkhmed’s Nepalese Stupa, we make our Sea Cucumbers fried, calling on behalf of Serena Hikariwa. I suggest you order the special of the day as soon as possible. Number thirteen. Thank you."

Something in Steelbeak’s secret agent gut told him something was wrong. He had been in the field long enough to trust it, but he couldn’t imagine what. He tried to tell himself Serena was only just out with her friends or at the store, but his gut told him there was something suspicious going on.

He tried to collect himself for his broadcast. The camera came up.

"Attention Citizens of Earth. Take me to Your Leader" Steelbeak said like a slobbering alien "I always wanted to say that. Hey babes, How ya doing. You feeling all right? You feel pretty healthy? Well trust me that not gonna last?" he chuckled

"Just a quick reminder. You have only 3 hours before we set the Genera ray off somewhere in the vicinity of St. Canard. Now you will forgive my reticence previously, you know how these poisenal matters can crop up. And what greater poisenal matter is there than having grandma melted. Either you pay us the 100 trillion dollars or say good bye to ya families. Ta Ta."

The Genera ray was so simple probably even Darkwing, had he forgotten to warn them about sending Darkwing Duck… He knew he forgot something. Man he wondered where Serena was. It was probably nothing.

As they hang 58 stories up on the edge of a bottomless cliff, Serena had been screaming for 3.8 minutes.

"Serena will you shut up." Gingko tried to shove her claws into the building.

"I’m scared of heights, Gingko."

"I guessed as much." She grunted.

"I can’t believe Clio would lie like that. ‘It isn’t too hard.’"

"Like I said I hate SARCASM." Gingko strained. She wondered "Hey maybe if I try to shake you off now, I wouldn’t be stuck anymore."

"No." Serena latched onto her so she couldn’t breathe.

"I was only kidding. Why are you so heavy?"

"Well I’m sorry I’m not so skeletal I’d make a super model want to go to a buffet."

"Yeah. At least I’m not made of steel."

"Ooh I’m going to pound you into catnip you obnoxious little-"

They slid off the wall. "But later LATER."

Gingko held her free arm as tightly as she could to the wall

"I can’t hold on."

"You can do it Annie."

"I"

"Annie." Serena screamed.

"Serena it’s okay. It’s Okay. If this doesn’t work out I’m sorry I tricked you Serena."

"All right. And I’m sorry that I dropped you on your head, and swung you around the room, and bam bammed you into the floor and got you stuck in me and-"

"Apology excepted Serena." Gingko growled.

"Maybe this plummeting to our dooms isn’t so bad. At least I got to make one more friend before I became street pizza."

Gingko couldn’t respond she was trying to hold on so tight.

Finally she let go.

They fell waving their arms, screaming at the top of their lungs.

AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Gingko jumped on Serena’s shoulders and squeezed her neck. They continued to-

"Intruder Alert Intruder Alert."

They fell on some that was floating.

Serena pulled Gingko off of her. She nearly knocked Gingko off of.

"Not funny."

"Gee Princess Garlic Pill, Maybe I can get you unstuck." Pretending to tip Gingko off of the floating thing.

"Shut up." Gingko looked at her arm "I’ve never been so glad to let go of anything in my life."

"Well were still stuck together." Serena sighed.

"Though I loathe to use sarcasm, LU-u-uhcky Us!" Gingko rolled her eyes. "But we’re safe now." She kissed the little floating thing.

"We’re not safe yet. I mean we don’t know what this thing is. It could be a bomb or something."

"Nonsense it’s only a-" Gingko looked at it closely.

"What is it?" Serena asked.

"I don’t know. I’ve only been working here for a few months."

"Defense Perimeter module 347-b detects Intruders. Defense mode activated."

A small rifle began to aim and tiny laser searched for a target.

"Oh Heck."

Bullets flew in every direction as Serena and Gingko tried to stand on top of the turret. Gingko jumped in Serena’s arms.

"It’ll have to shoot itself if it wants to get us." Serena bragged.

"The mere powers of Technology are no match for the powers of Gingko Biloba, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Other pods began floating over and aiming at them

Gingko winced "Okay the powers of technology equal to the powers of Gingko Biloba is that okay?"

"They must be picking up a signal from this guy."

"Well turn it off, turn it off."

Serena panicked and smashed the gun turret back into the pod with her fist. The Pods stopped approaching.

"See, Everything is going to work out." Serena cheered.

It was at that the pod began to sputter.

The floating mechanism broke and

They fell again.

They screamed at the tops of their lungs, Gingko jumped back on Serena’s shoulders.

But instead of choking Serena she clawed into the wall. Yet their momentum was so great they screeched to a halt. Gingko tore through a water pipe and they both got drenched before Serena swung into the window.

Serena slaped Gingko upside the head. "If you ever wrap you legs around my head I am going to…"

Standing over them was a confused redheaded duck man.

"There is no way that sounds too make that sound appropriate?" Serena blushed.

The duck shook his head.

Gingko pulled Serena towards her. "Serena that’s Launchpad McQuack. Doesn’t he ‘hang out’ with Darkwing Duck." she put the words hang out in quotes.

"Oh you’re right. We got to hide from them. Where’s my nosy glasses?"

"I will not hide from as puny a mortal as Darkwing Duck."

Serena held her lips and slammed a pair of nosy glasses on her two.

"Shhhh."

Launchpad began staring

"Oh my Word. Lady you got steel claws sticking in your back."

"No, no no. It’s just a costume. Right Rita."

Gingko looked over her shoulder.

"Oh good. But who are you guys supposed to be?

"I’m Gingko Biloba and this is Serena." Gingko shouted. Serena smashed her foot.

"Oh you’re those super villain chicks. That’s nice." He said "So what are two sweet girls like you doing in a place this creepy."

"Creepy. Pal I work here and it sure is not-"

"We are the cleaning ladies. Right Rita?" Serena said threatening Gingko with a fist.

"That’s right Ellie Mae." Gingko said smiling.

Serena stared at him "And who are you?"

"Oh..." Launchpad began to freak. "I’m the Termite Inspector. Yeah got to inspect those termites." He pulled out a fake black mustache and a magnifying glass.

Serena got an idea "Then why are you wearing a flight cap? Hey I don’t think you are the termite inspector. Right Rita?"

Gingko held her hand to her forehead "Why no Ellie Mae… why I will bet my bottom dollar…that this guy is a spy from SH…SHUSH. Yes… He is Launchpad McQuack." She said in the most transparent and wooden voice.

"Oh no." Launchpad stared at each of them and ran.

Serena lightly whispered "Guard, Guard. Help Murder." She coughed.

Gingko continued "Yeah he’s umm getting away or something, yeah."

Launchpad ran down the hall shouting "DW. We’ve been caught."

"I’d never thought that I’d be thankful for Darkwing Duck to attack us villains. But at least well get away."

"Don’t be so sure."

Gingko was sure she didn’t say it. It was a man’s voice.

"I am the terror that flaps in the night.

I am the roommate who forgets to record your messages of Malcontent

I am Darkwing-"

Serena picked up Gingko instinctively, and tossed her at Darkwing

"This is going to hurt.

All three of them crashed into each other.

"Don’t use Gingko as a club." She smacked Serena over the head

Darkwing swung to his "Well well well, If it isn’t the two queens of crime, Hang Nail and the Steele Fox. Working with FOWL no doubt to further their insidious intentions to incapacitate this city."

"I’m not Hang Nail." Flashed her working nails on her right hand

"Nice alliteration Darkwing but you can kiss my assonance. I’m not Steele Fox." Serena pouted

"We are Serena and Gingko Biloba Night Mistress of the Mysterious night." She put her arm around Serena "and you are-"

"Suck Gas evil doers."

"Toast." Gingko eeped

The canister exploded into a cloud of poisonous gas. Gingko passed right out

As the "Well that ought to keep you sleeping for a few hours. I guess *The Hangnail* and *Steele Fox* are no match for-"

Serena grabbed him "You forget Darkwing. I don’t need oxygen."

"Actually… Yeah you’re right I did." Darkwing chuckled "So if you’ll just let me run in fear." She choked him tighter.

"No way, forget it Darkwing now that I got you in my clutches there is no way you’re escaping. Nothing can-"

A voice rose from the back of the hallway

"Dorkwing’s down dis hall. The first Eggman to get him gets a free breadmakah compliments of FOWL High Command and deir own private Tropical Island."

Only one person sounded like that "Oh no, Steelbeak. He can’t see me like this. Oh no. Oh no. She picked up Darkwing and before Steelbeak could see her had Darkwing flung into his lap.

"How sweet. Thank you Serena, Ya know I could go for an excellent Duck Cassolet right now." He looked up. She was gone. He looked down the empty hall.

"Serena? Where’d she go? I was about to fricassee da hero."

"Let’s face it Steelbeak, your come-ons like your odor are repulsive." Darkwing chuckled.

"Oh very funny Mr. Duck. But in three minutes if FOWL High command doesn’t receive it’s money in the form of 100 trillion dollars, St. Canard is pasta fagiole, you know with the beans and the pasta’s all warm and-"

"Huh?"

"Sorry I had a light lunch, and I’m a tad peckish."

"Hungry or not. You’ll never get away with it Steelbeak. Even now my sidekick is dismantling your precious though complete expendable Genera ray."

Steelbeak snapped his fingers. "Oh I doubt your friend here could untie his own shoes as tied up as he is."

"Launchpad!"

"Look like this Baked Alaska’s in the oven." Steelbeak chuckled.

Serena covered her eyes as she crawled down the side of the building with Gingko slumped over her shoulder.

"It’s not that high. It’s not that high."

She missed a step and fell.

Gingko groaned as Serena sat on her.

"Oh sorry Gingko."

Gingko woke up. "That silly Darkwing Duck. It’s not fair. I want to be Steelbeak’s arch nemisis. But no it’s always Darkwing this and Darkwing that. ‘Coises on dat Darkwing’ and ‘I hate that Dorkwing Drip’. Darkwing Darkwing Darkwing."

"Well at least we escaped him." Serena said

"Wait I was pretty sure we caught him." Gingko said.

"No…I mean no. He beat us really …bad." Serena tried to lie.

"Because it’d be just like you to let Darkwing go." Gingko rolled up her invisible sleeves.

"Well I don’t see how I could have beat him. I mean you were knocked out cold, and Steelie was coming down the hall, and I couldn’t let him see me like this and- All right I let Darkwing go."

"This is just great."

"Look I think we should just focus on getting us unstuck. Let’s go to my house." Serena said. Gingko tried to yank Serena in the opposite direction.

"Oh no. We are going to my house." Gingko said. "My landlady Draqonelle is a sorceress, she’ll figure it out."

"But my cousin Negs lives up the street."

"We’re going to my house."

Serena lifted Gingko by the nose "Ginks, I’m a lot stronger then you. Don’t let me embarrass ya."

"Coudin Neds it is." Gingko agreed.

They arrived at the head quarters of the Fearsome Five.

"You mean Cousin Negs is Nega-"

"COUSIN NEGS!"

Megavolt showed up. "Oh my god, they killed Serena."

Quacker Jack responded "You bastards."

"No it’s okay. I’m not."

Bushroot came in "Oh hey Serena. Since the Liquidator is away, they’re just playing South Park.

"Oh my god, they killed Reggie."

"You bastards"

"Oh my God they killed Megavolt"

"You Bastards."

"Oh my God they killed Quacker Jack."

"Err...umm I’m a bastard." And he started laughing

Megavolt greeted Serena

"Hi Serena, you want to play the ‘Oh my god they killed Kenny’ Game?"

Banana Brain answered "If you ask me it’s getting old."

Quacker Jack tsked "Just because you’re too short to play."

Megavolt continued "You wait until a person enters the room and you say-"

"‘Oh my god they killed’ and then you say the person’s name then Quacker Jack says ‘you bastards.’" Serena said.

The two consulted in private whispers "Have you played this game before?" Quacker Jack asked.

Negaduck came in

"Oh my god they killed Negaduck."

"You-"

Negaduck pulled out a rifle.

"You know I never liked that game. Now SHUT UP."

Quacker Jack jumped into Megavolt’s arms.

"OK, That’s less bad."

"Oh Cousin Negs, why are you so cheerful today?" she kissed him.

"Well well welcome back Princess Serena." he spat. "Do you know I’ve been taking phone messages for you all day from this Akhmed’s Nepalese Stupa? Well I’ve-"

"Oh Boy Steelie called me. Yee HAW." Serena caught herself "I mean I’m cool. Yeah that’s okay. I don’t care, either way."

Negaduck started menacing "Oh boy an intruder." He pointed the rifle at Gingko.

"Foolish mortal no mere gun can…."she gulped.

Serena caught the bullet on it’s way to hit Gingko.

"Man I hate those robotic reflexes.

Serena didn’t even look up from her mail. "Negs, this is Gingko Biloba, night mistress of the Mysterious Night, Ginks this is leader of the Fearsome Five The dreaded Negaduck." she sighed

"Enchantee Mademoiselle." Negaduck kissed Gingko’s hand.

Gingko Biloba was surprised, he seemed quite nice.

"Cousin Negs, give Gingko back her watch."

"Lousy no good" He handed her back her watch.

"And her wallet."

"Hey… all right."

"And her underwear."

"Come on I was just kidding." Negaduck said handing her back her black satin panties. Gingko slashed his bill into five pieces.

"Talk about now sense of humor."

Bushroot got that dreamy look in his eyes.

"Gingko Biloba" Bushroot bumped Negaduck out of the way, and kissed her hand "What a beautiful name! One of the surviving gymnosperms on the planet renown for it’s ability to stimulate mental activity, as a well known aphrodisiac among Guadolatourian tribes. I’m Dr. Bushroot."

"And I’m going to be sick." Negaduck gagged

"Wow a doctor. That’s nice. And I’ve always liked flowers." Gingko straightened her hair.

"Oh! Marry me Gingko Biloba, let me be your one and only herbal supplement." He dipped her as low as possible and tried to kiss her.

"No thank you. I have problems with commitment. I’m just not ready for this level of intimacy. It’s not you. It’s me." Gingko struggled away. Serena yanked her out in time.

"Reggie. You see why I never bring my girlfriends over to this place. Come on Negaduck I got a big problem."

"With pleasure. Anything to get away from this rutting rutabaga."

Reggie blew a kiss to Gingko Biloba, which floated like a butterfly on a white cloud. Until it disintegrated in Negaduck’s evil glare.

"Uh huh, Hmm. She is really stuck in you." Negaduck tapped her claw with his pen.

"Ouch. That pinches Negs." Serena hit his hand and shoved him off.

He sat down. How’d this happen?"

"Well I was really happy ‘cause it turns out that Steelie likes me likes me, not just likes me and-"

"Anything that doesn’t involve the word ‘like.’"

"She tried to hug me."

"Oh. See I knew it. People who hug people for no reason are just begging to get killed."

"Yeah down with PDA." Megavolt chanted, until Quacker Jack leapt on his shoulders.

"So what can you do."

"Hmm. We could find some lubricant, do some minute precise micro surgery…who am I kidding. Let’s chop off Gingko Biloba’s arm with a rusty dull axe!" Negaduck pulled one out.

"Eww this is going to be messy" Quacker Jack covered his and Banana Brain’s eyes.

Serena growled "No one is chopping off Gingko’s arm. Over my dead body."

"Or we could take you apart." Megavolt suggested.

"On the other hand…" Serena chuckled.

"SERENA?" Gingko asked indignantly.

"Well there is always another hand"

Gingko glared at her.

"You’re right."

"Oh come on Serena, I’m an electronics genius, and Quacker Jack is a brilliant inventor. We could rip you open and have you back to your old self in no time."

Almost as if it was cued a Quacker Jack doll walked into the scene and exploded into a shower of springs, clockwork and fire.

"No thank you."

"Well if we aren’t going to chop off her arm with a dull rusty ax what are we going to do." Negaduck said clutching his ax like a baby.

"Um."

"Hmmm. Oh my God they killed Gingko Biloba."

"You Bastards." Megavolt and Quacker Jack fell over laughing.

"Say you know my dear little Gingko Biloba." He tweaked her nose. "I would love to take you out for coffee. I grow my own, you know?"

"I’ll bet you grow your own everything." Gingko said uncomfortable.

"Oh you are so funny. Hahaha." He clamped his leaf on her arm.

"That’s it. I’m going to answer these phone messages in my room. We aren’t going to chop Gingko’s arm off with an ax. We’re not take me apart. And Reggie have a little dignity. You guys can just soak your ears."

They all looked at each other as she walked up the stairs.

"Teenage girls, go fig."

Serena sat on her bed.

"Oh my God, Gingko. Look he said I should get a 13. That means I can call him. He wants to see me. Like this? NO No no. I can’t."

"Well I’m glad you’ve come to your senses Serena. Steelbeak is a vile pernicious-"

Serena began to cry

"Oh why does this happen whenever I meet a guy. We go along just fine and then they find out I’m a cyborg and run screaming into the hills. It happened with Johnny and Enrico and Paul and Ian and all the really cool guys. Why can’t I just live a normal life?"

"You’ve had all those boyfriends already how old are you?"

"16."

"Well, I guess we all blossom differently. But Serena I don’t care how stupid a guy is they always know when you aren’t being yourself. And maybe they were all the wrong guys. But any guy you can’t be yourself around isn’t worth having.

"You’re right Ginks. You’re right I’m gonna call him."

"What?"

"Wow without your encouragement I would have never talked to Steelbeak again. Thank you. But forgive me if I don’t hug you again."

"No not Steelbeak. Steelbeak is evil, horrible vile. Please not Steelbeak."

She picked up the phone.

Part IV: Thirty Seconds.

Darkwing was strapped to a torture ray.

"Well since ya were so interested in the effects of the Genera ray Darkwing, you’ll be the first to experience it. Behold."

Steelbeak removed the tarp revealing a great big ray.

"I suppose you expect me too talk."

"No Mr. Duck I expect you to Quack." He turned on the ray. "Ya got to love the classics.

"Yeah, you have a penchant for clichés Steelbeak." Darkwing rolled his eyes

"What? Now you listen here Darkwing Duck. ‘Gold Flipper’ is a classic Derek Blunt character. I’ll not have some about to be dying duck make fun of my favorite movie I’m just gonna havta-"

"Oh go stroke a white cat. Or better yet why don’t you just explain you’re master plan."

Steelbeak grit his teeth "Oooh just for that I’m going to make this extra painful. You loser Declasse no culture Duck." He flipped the intensity switch.

His cell phone rang.

"What’s that?" Darkwing asked fearfully.

"A little invention from R&D. A cell phone that fits in your pocket."

"Wow that’s great. Finally FOWL invents something somebody can use."

"Yeah right that’s what they want you to think. But the payment plans are so convuluted and complex that no one will realize that they are being bilked out of millions.

"You fiends."

"Wait till you see Starducks and the bottle water craze we planned." Steelbeak opened the micro phone.

"Akhmed’s Nepalese Stupa- Serena? Hi there. Hi." he said sai playfully. "Yeah I miss you too."

"Whose that? FOWL High command?" Darkwing mocked

Steelbeak blushed and spun the torture board, until Darkwing was dizzy.

"Don’t mind him sweet. It’s just Darkwing Duck… Dinkwing Dork … that’s a cute one babe. But you’re cute." He called over to Darkwing "Hey Dinkwing Dork, my girl here says to stop calling her Steele Fox."

"Okay." Darkwing nodded. He couldn’t believe the last thing he would every hear was Steelbeak speaking babytalk with his girlfriend. But nothing to that. He began to wriggle around. If only Launchpad hadn’t dropped the magnifying glass. He shot a glance over to Launchpad.

"I haven’t eaten anything all day. So I know this lovely place in Milan where we can get some lovely farfalla…" Steelbeak listened.

Launchpad shot back a glance declaring boldly ‘What glass of milk?’

"Yeah aren’t you getting out of here? Well duh. Haven’t you been listening to me on the news?

Darkwing realized they crossed a signal from this distance threw a look ‘The Magnifying Glass’

"…Well don’t you worry we’ll be out of here long before St. Canard is destroyed. Yeah. Besides normally these city rays can be targeted. You just come to head quarters and I’ll take care of youse It avoids the whole neighborhood around the office"

Launchpad wriggled around and pulled out a magnifying glass. Darkwing gave him a look that said ‘Oh boy now I can cut these ropes

"…Why wouldn’t I? You are so sweet… How could I let you fry? Well I must admit that I’m not used to escaping with someone. Usually I have to escape by myself. It’ll be really nice I think… Well why do you think? You yes… You ever been to Italy ‘Rena?"

Darkwing snapped one of his ropes.

"This is your first time. Oh I wish it was my first time in Italy again-You’re going to- hang on. Remember be here in 25 minutes or less. I’m coming to get you after that all right. Bye Pookie."

Steelbeak turned his attention to Darkwing Duck, who tried to disguise his escape attempts with another hurtful jibe.

"That is just pitiful. Stringing that poor girl’s hopes along so you can escape with a clear conscience. You make me sick."

Steelbeak looked at him very strangely "You know Darkwing I thought you’d know me a little better by now. You know I do exactly what I want, whatever the heck it is."

Serena put down the phone.

"Wow Isn’t Steelie the greatest? He says I can go to Italy with him while this Genera Ray thing is being built. I wonder what it does."

Gingko perked up her ears "It’s not very special. Not that we here everything but it’s supposed to raise the FOWL budget by 100 trillion dollars."

"Wow. I wonder how you can make that much money."

"Normally you hold a few cities hostage."

At that subtle cryptic saying he turned around. Darkwing freed his leg and grabbed the lens with his toes.

Steelbeak slapped himself in the forehead. "Steelbeak you are a moron. Chatty heroes are not a good sign."

He pulled out his gun. Darkwing Duck dodged the bullets deftly and knocked the rooster out. The Caped Avenger clutched his broken hand and stepped on his large opponent’s chest.

"Where are the controls. Steelbeak or we’re all going to die here."

"Oh I’ll tell youse. But it’s not going to do ya any good."

"What are you talking about? This is not a game."

"Of course it’s not a game Darkwing. This is a business. They’ve left it out of my hands. You see friend I’m the decoy really, though I loathe to admit it. And even if I gave you those disarming codes which I’m not gonna, you’d never be able to make it up that tower in time."

"You know I think you’re beginning to get soft. My disarming codes. Si Vous Plait."

"1-800-Bite Me."

Darkwing slammed his head against the floor.

"A-B-C, it’s as easy as one two three."

Darkwing was beginning to panic. He’d never actually needed Steelbeak’s help so desperately.

"Let’s face it Darkwing we lost." He said quite dispirited.

Darkwing threw him aside.

"If you don’t give me those codes, you are going to miss your date."

A strange frightened look came over his face.

"But hey you do whatever you want. And something tells me you want to save this girl."

"The disarming code is 1 theta zed dash omicron 7345."

"Thank you, Steelbeak. I guess you really do love her."

Steelbeak was gone, rushing out of one mission out of maybe a thousand like this, for only one girl. An exercise as particular and a general as any single act could be. Particular for one amazing dangerous couple and as general as the range of human experience. Steelbeak went to rescue the girl he loved.

The FOWL employees were collecting in huge droves around the safety of the ray, knowing that doom lay on the horizon. Steelbeak changed out of his suit and changed cars, ready for anything.

He greeted the new Eggman.

"Hey there."

"Halt All unauthorized personnel are prohibited from entering the Ray target zone, by FOWL High command. I need to see your pass."

He knew he forgot something.

"I am Agent 1. And I demand that you let me go."

"Agent Steelbeak. I’m sorry. I couldn’t let Darkwing Duck back into that mess with 37stroke B.

"Well if that’s all you need here let me get it out of my glove comp" when the Eggman leaned in, Steelbeak slammed his beak into his head, knocking the guard out cold.

"Hey, Eggman, remind me to give that guy a raise when I get back."

The Eggmen backed away cautiously as Steelbeak drove into the empty streets of St. Canard.

Serena was completely torn. She could go off with Steelbeak and tell him the truth, or she could stand him up. And all the noise wasn’t helping her either. It seemed that almost everyone was in an uproar. Gingko looked out the window

"That’s odd why is there so much traffic at only 5 o’clock." She commented.

"What?"

The streets seemed over flowing with panicky angry drivers packed in over the sidewalks and filling the entire space between the buildings, all heading east, away from the city.

"What’s going on?"

Cousin Neg. came upstairs.

"Come on Serena. It’s time to bolt." He had a backpack full of stuff, including his teddy bear. "Stupid fancy schmancy FOWL death ray. They don’t give us entrepeneurs the chance to cause any wholesale wanton destruction. Just when we had a really good plan working with the Liquidator. Come on."

He tossed her a helmet.

"But Cousin Negs. I can’t go."

He threw of his hat. "If you’re worried about the traffic, we’ll just drive over it in the Bastiche. Come on."

"Uncle Negaduck I can’t. I promised to go with Steelie. I have to keep it."

"Ooh I’d love to see that. ‘Gee I know you’ve come to rescue me but I’m a cyborg’. He’ll probably drive away screaming." Negaduck almost seemed to regret his joke but just barely. "He doesn’t care about you like we do. We’re your family. Come on."

Gingko was confused. Did the dreaded Negaduck actually care if someone else lived?

"Okay. Okay you’re right. I’m coming."

"That’s my girl." He ruffled her hair "Now come on."

They followed him downstairs. He was putting on his helmet as he got into the Bastiche. Gingko became very worried. Did she have the power to run as fast as a motorcycle? Serena sat in the sidecar. He revved the engine.

"One side. Negaduck coming through." He zipped out into the street and started driving on top of the cars. "Beat it losers." He honked his horn. Serena looked at him.

"We’ll be out of here any second, Kid."

Serena nodded.

"I’m sorry Cousin Negaduck. I’ll see you around. Good luck."

Negaduck took one last look before Serena jumped out of the sidecar running along side Gingko Biloba. She slipped through his hands and was gone.

Negaduck swore and broke onto open road. Off to save his own neck.

Darkwing stood at the top of the Ray tower. He knocked the technician to the roof of the FOWL office building.

"Yes Darkwing Duck ascends the Steel tower to at last disarm the deadly ray. What was that disarming code."

"DW hurry. The rays gonna go off any second."

"Of Course I know what it means. It’s 1 theta omicron zed dash 7345."

The ray swung completely around and pointed at the building, right in Launchpad’s face.

"I don’t think that’s the one."

"That traitorous rooster. He gave me the wrong code."

"No maybe ya just mixed it up. We got under a minute." LP panicked.

"1 theta dash zed omicron."

The gigantic ray pointed at him.

"Wrong code."

In Steelbeak and Serena’s faces Gingko Biloba could see so many shades of emotion and thought clouded their eyes and hearts that it couldn’t come out. Not in the seconds they had to flee for their lives; not in the years their relationship might last, this was timeless

This life was kind of like that thirty seconds. When you finally got the chance to feel these things, it was over.

"Hey I couldn’t let them get my Pookie."

"Steelie."

"I love you Serena."

"I love you Steelie."

They kissed.

Darkwing threw aside his wrench in the smashed remnants of the control tower and cried.

"It’s all my fault. Now St. Canard is doomed and it’s all my fault."

"DW you did what you could. Anyone else would have been halfway up the tower. You can’t help it Steelbeak gave you the wrong code. He couldn’t even help it."

"I just couldn’t remember those middle four stupid piece of I mean how hard is it to remember 1 theta zed dash omicron 7345." It took him half a second to realize he had remembered it

Darkwing looked at the timer 5 seconds to go and pounded out the code, thanking whatever providence or good spirit guided his life.

Steelbeak and Serena stopped kissing.

"Hello can we get going?" Gingko said still hanging onto Serena. Serena honked her nose.

"Right. All ships ahead for the old FOWL Headquarters. Let me tell you Annie I’m going to miss that corner office."

"Don’t talk to me. Just save me so you can gloat about it and hold it over my head later."

Steelbeak drove ahead.

"How are we going to pull this off now?" Gingko Biloba whispered in her ear.

"I don’t care. Ginks I don’t care."

Steelbeak arrived at the helicopter site. He opened the door for Serena and Gingko, obviously too distracted to notice anything strange.

He wasn’t sure what this would lead to. Had Darkwing beat FOWL, was the city going up in flame as he stood here. Until he got an instant alert

A screen shot up on the wall of his car.

"Agent Steelbeak, it appears we have underestimated Darkwing Duck."

"Well not that I could. I wasn’t even there to stop him, at your request."

"While we are ready to admit it is not due any bungling on your part Darkwing must be dealt with. We are still unable to figure out how he was able to unravel the disarmament codes on the Genera Ray, in such a short time."

"It’s a mystery." Steelbeak hated when they played these mind games with him.

"Especially since we didn’t give the correct numbers to any of the agents involved. And they never could have remembered the whole sequence. Even you only had a small section of the greater code."

"That Duck never ceases to run out of luck." The high command said. "We will learn much of his methods due to your cooperation. I understand that this whole mission has been quite distasteful."

"All in a days work." Steelbeak bowed slightly.

"We trust you will appreciate your two weeks R&R in Italy. In appreciation of all the work you have done for the organization.

"Is that an order?" Steelbeak asked smartly.

"Excellent Job, Agent Steelbeak FOWL Out."

The screen flashed dark.

Epilogue: Oil

Serena sat at the window of the helicopter wide eyed at the countryside below, yanking at Gingko every once and a while. Good thing Steelie had slept most of the trip.

"It’s beautiful." She smiled.

"Wait till you can see it." Steelie said kissed her on the head.

Annie also having never been to Italy, realizing that despite the perfidy of his very existence, had saved her and had been willing to bring her along on their trip. Even though he didn’t know she had to be brought along, because of her being stuck to Serena. She couldn’t wait to kill him until they got into their new office. Even though they were still sweetly and most loathsomely happy.

Besides Steelbeak was only a few short hours to one of the three most horrific shocks in his life, well one of the most horrific shocks which didn’t involved Darkwing Duck any way. Perhaps when she got back to America she could ally with Darkwing… but that was a world away.

They landed directly in front of the little restaurant.

Two little old people spewing Italian came streaming out quite excited

"Signore Goldeflipper, Bon Notze. Che faim?"

"I called these guys four hours ago."

"I can’t believe they would hold a table that long. Just remember its Signore Goldeflipper."

"You are such a dork. Who can I be?" Serena laughed.

"C’est Signorita Pedicureh et Signorita Delia."

"Bon Notze." They instantly loved Serena and led her to the table.

"So Goldflipper and Delia Dangerous have teamed up again."

"Yeah. You remember that one."

"Oh of course. You know I used to feel sorry for him. I mean he wasn’t that different, I mean not where it counted anyway. He had a gold flipper and it just tormented his mind like some kind of hex, you know. As cool as Blunt was I mean he never had those kind of problems."

"I guess." He said rubbing her hand. "I never really thought about it like that."

"I guess I never told anybody else. Because it was too weird explaining it to anyone else."

He looked in her eyes.

"Steelie, I don’t want this to end. But I got to show you something."

"What is it Serena?"

"It’s gonna freak you out."

"Please babe I’m the Steelbeak. I eat strange for breakfast, I have danger for lunch."

"But you’re going to freak."

"Trust me babe."

She was about to take off her jacket. But she stopped.

"I’ll tell you first. When I was a little baby I was really really sick. Like all the time. And lots of people would even wonder if I would live. I mean not that my mom would care or anything. But I did have people who really loved me a lot. Like my Uncle Jonathan even if he was only my father’s half brother and he was a duck. And my Uncle Ronaldo before he went crazy. So they made sure I was okay.

My mom worked for this scientist guy. Professor Heinrich Von Drake, he was a nice crazy old man.

So it was like the eighties and an Inventor named Gyro Gearloose created the Gizmoduck suit. But that was only half the story.

Professor Von Drake see because he didn’t think that robotics should be external vulnerable. If they were inside the body and not outside the skin and the bones could protect then the machinery, which are by far some of the most beautiful and elegant machinery in the world. So he needed someone who would be willing to submit to the procedure.

Well Gizmoduck became famous, guarded Scrooge McDuck’s money bin, became the most beloved super hero of all time. Professor Von Drake’s experiment went utterly ignored, and forgotten and he moved on to work on Mind control devices."

"This is all really fascinating." Gingko yawned.

"Annie. Can’t you see she’s trying to tell us something?"

"Anyway, back to me I was a poor little baby. And my mother really didn’t want me. And she learned that Von Drake needed test subjects. He never would have thought of using it on a human subject so early. But Mom wouldn’t let up. She picked on him till he agreed. And he used me for a few of his experiments."

"What are you talking about, Serena?"

"Because of this I am biologically enhanced organism. I have robotic tendons in all of my major muscle groups, hands, wrists, arms, legs, feet, which increase my strength by tenfold…" She had heard Professor Von Drake say it so many times, so many times. "I don’t have lungs and my body metabolizes oxygen through a machine, so I guess I can hold my breath for a very long time. I am enclosed within my body which appears to the standard observer to be average weight and average height, because Von Drake wasn’t interested in bulking up his subjects."

"So what are you saying Serena. Are you a-"

Serena took off the jacket.

People in the restaurant fainted and screamed. Many dropped their food and ran. Steelbeak’s eyes dropped out of his skull.

Steelbeak didn’t say anything but grabbed absentmindedly a bottle of Chianti from the table next to them.

"Well?" she asked.

"You certainly know how to surprise someone."

"It was my fault, Annie was just talking and saying some stuff to me and I hugged her and now we’re stuck."

"But are you okay I mean." He touched Annie’s claws "That looks painful. Oww."

He sucked on his finger wound.

"I wouldn’t say it hurts it pinches a little, on my skin. And it’s starting to itch."

"But you’re not dying or anything."

"Heck no. I’m just really embarrassed."

"Oh hey. Until you showed my hey I didn’t even notice you had claws sticking out of your chest you looked so pretty."

"Really?"

"Oh absolutely babe."

"Oh how could you not notice? gah." Oh I’m just a freak."

"Hey if you’re a freak than-" he pinged his beak "You are I most excellent of company. I’m sure that if you were a floating brain in a jar most people would deal with it just so they could be around you." He stroked her chine

She chuckled You are the most special broad…the most special woman I ever met."

"Oh Steelie." She kissed him.

Meanwhile as this sweet romantic scene was playing to her left Annie Pedicure was so disgusted she didn’t order. When the lovely table napkin didn’t serve as a blindfold, she tried to wrap it around her neck and strangle herself. They both took a long look at her when she made the coughing gagging noise.

"Annie, uh could we have a little privacy"

Serena started crying. "No No, no we can’t. I am a freak."

Gingko gritted her teeth "Hey it’s a good thing my claws got stuck in your back. Hey, I could have killed Peter or something. And anyone who saves someone else isn’t a freak in my book."

"Annie is right. You are more of a hero than a freak, sweet. Come here." He kissed her.

"Which is why you should find someone else." Gingko Biloba held her head. She grabbed the knife on the table as the kissed at the next table.

"You know I really should have listened to Negaduck." She said cutting at her arm with a butter knife as she was nearly pulled into their furious kissing.

She motioned to the waiter.

"El moro sharpo knifo. Or El axo, choppi" She tried to make it clear.

"All right Annie we’ll stop. But what are we going to do."

"Signora you are Americano yes."

"Why how did you guess?"

The waiter screwed up his eyes. "It was your haircut. Signora you look distressed. Might I help you."

"I’m stuck."

"Stuck in this village? No problemo Signora. I’ll get a auto bus."

"No I’m really stuck. See my claws are stuck in my friend here."

The waiter fell over when he saw Serena.

"You are like the big scary robot."

"I guess."

"Mama mia."

"I guess we are stuck."

"Have you tried something to slip it out? The axle grease?"

"No. Maybe that will work." Serena hadn’t that of that.

"Wait guy d’ya have axle grease?" Steelbeak asked

"No. We gotta no grease. All we got is the olive oil."

"Well I like olive oil. Maybe it’ll work." Serena hoped

"If not I know someone who always has an ax."

The waiter brought out a huge bottle of olive oil and some cotton. Steelbeak yanked the cotton away from the waiter who was way to eager to pat olive oil on his girlfriend’s chest.

"Wait this top is new I don’t want to get olive oil on it."

Steelbeak paused. He began to laugh, the waiter laughed and even Gingko laughed. The empty little café was filled laughter as Serena chuckled at her own lack of priorities.

"Okay. Here we go." Steelbeak said.

"Is it working Signora Pedicureh?"

"A little."

"I’ll put on some more." Steelbeak said.

"Yuck."

"If I could get a little more help pulling."

"Allow me Signora." The waiter said putting his arms around her waist.

"Okay. I’m going to pull free. Okay one"

Serena gasped "Two."

Before anyone could say three Gingko was pulling away, with the help of the waiter. Gingko and the waiter tumbled backwards into the neighboring table.

Gingko pulled her right and left hands towards her.

"I’m free. I’m free. I’M FREE!" She began cartwheeling all over the place, doing front flips and various other things.

"Hey I’m free. I am free." She saw Steelbeak sitting at the other end of the table. She pounced on him and knocked him over on his chair and over his head flashed her mighty Steel claws.

Oh what the heck.

Instead of killing him she honked his beak and pinched his cheek.

She leapt out and ran into the darkness "I’ll kill you at work when we get back Steelbeak." Her voice faded as she skipped down the road "Goodbye."

Serena and Steelbeak watched and heard her fad away as they had a well-deserved kiss.