Folk’s Tail

By LL

It was late one day in December at the FOWL Office: St. Canard Branch, when the whole thing started.

Some of the jokers at work had put a sprig of mistletoe in his doorway. It was silly. So at the end of the day when Gingko Biloba came in for her weekend vacation rant, he was trapped.

"So, you cannot escape Steelbeak. All of your tricks have failed you." Gingko Biloba bore her razor sharp shining new claws, must have fixed them over Christmas.

"There is nothing you can do Steelbeak. There is no trick you can use, no one you can call you are mine. Prepare to die." She struck.

"Hey Annie!" Steelbeak chuckled.

"Gingko Biloba. I am Gingko Biloba you filthy piece of warthog excrement."

"Okay…Ginker," he shrugging "Youse realize ya standing under the mistletoe."
"What are you talking about Steelbeak? There is no escape. Nothing you can-"

"Brace yourself." Steelbeak winked.

"What are you-"

He dipped her, and gave her a big long kiss. Hey, He was Steelbeak, he had to keep in Good practice with these things.

"Nothing…You…I…Yes…My…."She went on like this for a few moments. She had lost her place and sunk into the ground.

"Ooh Hey Kiddo." He handed her back her chewing gum. She held it in her hand. "By the way, You have very clean gums. I see ya been flossing like your dentist told ya." He chuckled.

"Yes…Death...claws…Steelbeak." she was still holding her gum eyes wide opened head twitching back and forth.

What a great kid! She was a real-

OOOOfff

Steelbeak fell over.

"Steelie! How could you? I never want to speak to you again. You dirty cheater."

He looked up and saw four blurry visions of his girlfriend Serena.

"What?"

"You kissed Annie!"

"What" he looked at Gingko Biloba "oh that. She was standing underneath the mistletoe. It’s tradition. It’s bad luck not to kiss someone underneath the mistletoe."

"I’ll give you bad luck, you jerk." She kneed him in the balls.

He doubled over forwards.

"Ooooh."

Serena stormed out of the office her plodding feet digging holes in the marble.

Serena was in her kitchen crying. Disconsolate. That dirty horrible Rooster, how dare he betray her like that. She buried her head in her hair.

She would have spent the rest of the weekend like that if she hadn’t heard a knock on the door.

With red eyes and mussed up hair, she answered the door.

A tall pale creature was behind the door, in a fine looking blue coat, with a sheathed scimitar on his belt.

"Hello there, my most fabulous of all my niecews. It is me and my glorious self, the most stupendorous the most remarkedable of all the Air Pirates Captain, Don Ronaldo Karnage!" He said raising his hand in the air.

"Uncle Ron!" She jumped up in the air.

"Give your most excellent Uncla a big hug to show how much she loves me."

"Oh" She hugged him and lifted him off the ground.

He squeaked "While you most wonderful Uncla appreciates that you love him so much" he sucked a little breath in "he would mind if you did not to be crushing his perfect ribs."

"Oh. Sorry Uncle Ron." She let him down.

"Uncla Ron forgives you." Not eager for the adorable girl to squash him he patted her on the head. "That is good."

He walked into her house "Now to what am I giving to my favorite little Sobrina? I have big treasure for you, my little ruby." He said. Pointing to a big chest of rubies and pearls outside of the door.

"Come on in. You want some coffee?"

"Absolutemente. I want to be hearing all about your news."

She poured him a cup of coffee.

"Guess what I have my little ruby. I have founded a perfect ruby tire for my Sobrina." He showed an exquisite ruby and silver tiara.

"Oh my little niecew looks so pretty." Uncle Ronaldo loved giving her fancy jewels. But she was so sad

He noticed "What is being the matter? Are you not liking the present? Oh I have more, in the trunk."

He rushed outside, trying in vain to lift the trunk, pushing both of his boots into it.

"It was being a lot lighter when I didn’t have to carry it."

Serena walked outside and lifted the whole thing over her head. Uncle Ron was not used to her strength but he was very polite about it. He hadn’t made any of the robot jokes either. He was by far her favorite relative. Even Negaduck could be a jerk, but Uncle Ron always understood.

He was Captain of the Iron Vulture. He had taken her on many tours. He always had so much fun doing everything. She wanted to be just like him when she grew up, even if he was a little crazy.

She placed the chest of rubies right next to the coffee table, which once was a chest of diamonds. She didn’t really like the treasure as much as having her favorite Uncle Ron around.

Uncle Ronaldo still saw that she was blue no matter how hard she tried to hide it.

"Still being with the sad, oh little Sobrina Serena, my little Ruby. What is being the matter? Tell your tio, Uncla Ronaldo all about it."

"My boyfriend."

"Oh. Always with the novios. Don’t you let no boy break your heart. Boys are like how you say it the ugly smelly stinky repugnant bears. Yuck. You stay away from the boys till you are getting married." He kissed her on the forehead. Uncle Ronaldo was so old fashioned.

"My boyfriend is such a big jerk."

"You will tell you Uncla Ronaldo about this jerk, yes-no?"

"Well he’s not a fox, like us. He’s …um…"

How could she put this so he wouldn’t fly off the handle?

"Another species. And he is really really cute. And he is so cool. He works for FOWL."

"Oh, Tsk, tsk. You should find some nice fox. Yes. This boy you speak of, is no good enough for you. You are the niecew of the Great Don Karnage. You should have only the handsomest and best fox boyfriend. Almost as handsome and marvelous as me myself. This is true."

"Oh Uncle Ronaldo it should matter if I have fur and he has feathers? Isn’t love what matters?"

"Oh thhhp" he raspberried, but he could see Serena still needed advice "What does this boyfriend do at this FOWL?"

"He is a secret agent. He’s the top agent at FOWL."

"He is the best then yes-no?"

"Oh the very best. He’s the Don Karnage of the spy world." Serena watched her uncle’s ego inflate.

Serena continued "They trust him with all the most important missions and he has the most ridiculously large expense account."

"Oh so I am thinking this non-fox boyfriend is rich, yes?"

"Well-"

"Love is the only thing that matters my Sobrina Serena."

"Yeah but he’s still a jerk."

"What are you have been saying now. He is handsome and rich and how you say ‘cool’. How are you still so sad?"

"I caught him kissing another girl."

"What?" Uncle Ronaldo asked. His little claws dug into the chair

"His secretary." Serena told him.

"WHAT!!!!???" He drew his sword.

"He would dare to insult the niecew of the Great Don Karnage, the most lovely and perfect niecew of him? He would dare to besmirch the honor of his dear and beloved daughter of his precious baby sister? Is he blind? Is he deaf? Does he wish to spill his own blood and slit his own throat?"

"Uncle Ronaldo Please."

"This repugnant wart! He should sooner jump of the tallest cliff then ever ever even remotely considerate to be adulterating on my precious and beloved Sobrina Serena. I will run him through. I will pluck out all of his featherings and make him eat them. I will take him by his beak and then when I am done I will be hanging him by his pinkies."

"Uncle Ronaldo, Please. It was only a kiss. He was standing under the mistletoe."

"He had besmirched your honor. And he shall die a most horrible death for it. Or my name is not Don Karnage." He jammed his sword point two inches into the chest.

"Now help me pull the sword from your table my dear."

She sighed "Yes Uncle Ron."

The next day Steelbeak entered his office.

"Hey Kiddo." He sighed.

"um…err…Steelbeak." she went back to her typing. Gingko did not greet him with her usual ‘Prepare-to Die-a-most-gruesome-and-painful-death!’ She handed him his file and tried not to look him in the eye.

He trudged towards his office. Not his usual self. I mean sure he was still the single most horrific blight in the face of creation, but he looked sad. Gingko addressed him.

"What is wrong, oh you pernicious spawn of hell?" she asked sensitively

He slunk into his chair; he couldn’t even pick his beak off the desk. He sighed

"Nothing."

She found it impossible to believe that the most powerful secret agent in the world was lying beak first, drooling into his desk blotter, was because of nothing. It was like the Odious Rooster to pretend to be cool when his heart was breaking.

Gingko didn’t want him to die of a broken heart. Unless of course it was broken because she had been jumping up and down on his chest, or she had thrown him in the Audobon Bay and little fish were eating it, or because she had blasted him into a fine ash or…

Steelbeak let out another heart squeezing sigh.

"Well what ever, your pain is irrelevant. For I relish your horrid anguish. Every instant of your pain is like a thousand heavens." Gingko flayed her fierce claws before his face. He sighed again.

"Oh don’t try ta cheer me up, Annie. Just Serena won’t talk to me because of that little kiss."

Gingko covered her mouth "I don’t know what she’s talking… aboot." Her voice went down four octaves. She turned around

"Yeah I mean it was just a little peck."

Gingko had the strange image of the Odious one kissing his grandmother like that.

"I should leave you out of this. It’s not you’re fault." He entered his office.

Gingko had no idea why, but she had to say something.

"Steelbeak."

"Yeah Kiddo?"

"Though I will probably by the end of today rip your beating heart from your chest and eat it, I am sorry I got you in trouble with your girlfriend."

"Oh Annie. You always know the right thing to say." He kissed her on the forehead.

Gingko Biloba recoiled in horror.

"I am not sweet. I am cruel! I have never been so insulted. -"

"Prepare to Die!" a male voice rang through the halls of FOWL.

"I was going to say that. Stop interrupting me. You are always interrupting my threats." Gingko Biloba shrieked.

"I didn’t-"

Serena’s mouth was wide open.

"That’s it Steelbeak. You kissed her again! I thought I could trust you."

"Oh My God Serena. It was just a peck on the forehead. I mean I’ve kissed a hundred girls just like that. Why I’ve kissed so many that-"

" Gingko shut his beak with her claws before he could stick his foot any further.

"This is right, Girlfriend of the Odious one "He was only talking to me about you."

Serena turned around.

"Do whatever you want to him, I don’t ever want to see him again, Uncle Ronaldo." She started to cry on a handsome fox’s shoulder.

"It is okay my little Ruby. There there." The fox patted her on the shoulder.

Steelbeak stood up in his chair.

"How’d they let this guy in without clearance?" Steelbeak wondered aloud.

He pulled out a three-foot steel scimitar gleaming in the fluorescent office light.

"Oh, that I suppose." Steelbeak chuckled.

"This pile of refuse is your boyfriend?"

Serena nodded tearfully.

"He is a CHICKEN! How do you date a chicken? You eat chicken. You don’t take it out to the movies." Don Karnage put his sword down and rested his head on it exasperated. "Oh Serena, if your grandfather were alive he’d be roasting in his gravy. Did your mother know this boy was a Chicken?"

"Does he mean rolling in his grave?" Steelbeak said.

"Quiet You!" he waved the scimitar in his face.

He started brandishing the sword around.

"Well she should have been knowing . Dating a Chicken… No good can come from dating your food. You will remember this, yes-no?"

Serena couldn’t believe her uncle’s rude specist comments

"Uhhh! You both are such cavemen. I don’t care what you do to each other. I am going home."

"What, no wait Serena? Serena!" Steelbeak chased after her.

Don Karnage thrust his sword under Steelbeak’s chin. " Not SO Fast!"

"Yeep!!" Steelbeak gulped, as the long mawed fox looked him straight in the eye. Teeth bared like little swords.

"Um. Hi there I’m Steelbeak." He stuck out his hand to shake it.

Don Karnage swatted at it with his sword. Steelbeak pulled back his hand just in time.

"You insolent fool! Do you know whom you are dealing with? I am the Captain of the Airpirates. The Terror of the Skies. I am Don Karnage! You are a nothing! You are a Chicken-boy loser man. How dare you to propositionate my niecew? You are a nothing, and you dare to date the beloved sobrina of Don Karnage? I should kill you for even being thinking about my Little Ruby. It makes me sick."

"And um can I ask?" Steelbeak said unusually timid, chuckling "Who are you to tell Serena, who she can date or not… or what…" he gulped "I can do or not do." He chuckled again.

He hacked through pile of paper on Gingko Biloba’s desk

"I am being the man with a really big sword."

Steelbeak made a mad dash for his office nearly tripping over the door stop.

Darkwing Duck and his faithful sidekick, Launchpad were driving down the street. Launchpad was reading his WWII Flight Memorabilia Magazine, in the sidecar.

"Oh boy look at this DW. They say that the Air Museum is exhibiting a Jerry 56? They haven’t had one in good condition since they stopped making them."

"Maybe we should go down and see it. It’s not like anything is going to happen tonight. It’s New Years Eve Eve. Everyone is getting ready for the big ball downtown."

"Yeah and they say that this piece survived a Dog Fight with the great WWII ace, Lieutenant Baloo Bear

Darkwing nodded "uh huh."

"They say he took this puppy out there on a bet and downed 15 planes that day."

Darkwing nodded "uh huh."

"Are you listening DW?"

"Yeah I’m hanging on every word."

"Come on DW this is great. He cut in little grooves in the body of the plane for each one he shot down."

"What…Of course I’m listening." Darkwing said.

Launchpad sighed.

"Boy it is a slow crime night." Darkwing yawned. "Maybe we should turn in."

"There is something funny about tonight. It’s like something is in the air." Launchpad says.

A tiny airplane flew over head.

"No kidding their LP."

"DW!" Launchpad sat open jawed "Did you see that?"

Darkwing gave him a look

"Oh no, I didn’t notice the plane flying twenty feet over head."

"That is a…that’s a…"Launchpad was too excited to speak and turned to a page of one in his magazine. "It’s a CT-37, second generation. That’s an X2. Wowwie"

"Wha?"

"An airplane. They don’t make them anymore. It’s like finding a strawberry in a jar of chocolate covered jalapenos. I’ve never seen one. They stopped making them after the war, on account…"

"Yeah. Fine." DW decided to cut him off. LP could drone on for hours about WWII fighter planes, often doing so in mixed company like at nightclubs or on line at the DMV. "The question is why would there be one in St. Canard."

"It’s a single man vehicle. Like an air bike. Man, I’d love to try one of those things out." Launchpad was still musing.

"Come on. No reckless air biker will ruin the peace and quiet of our fair city, it’s New Year’s Eve Eve. Let’s roll."

"OOH Boy."

The airplane turned the corner followed by the Rat catcher. They raced up and down the streets of St. Canard. The tiny plane zipped through the streets as quickly as the Ratcatcher itself. Darkwing squinted to see who the pilot was. It was obviously one of Quacker Jack’s new toys, a life size plane or-

The pilot was alive and looked straight at him. Darkwing gasped.

"That’s no doll. Some one is really flying that thing."

They zipped past the Hamburger Hippo joint on Ninth and Elm. The plane swooped in so low it could steal a burger. Launchpad was so excited by the sight of this plane he didn’t even ask to stop for one himself.

The pilot flew on eating his ill-gotten gains, and littering, dropping a soda cup on Darkwing’s hat.

"LITTERING IS ILLEGAL." Darkwing shouted at the cavalier pilot. " Oh great, I sound like such a Gizmoduck."

The plane had stopped for a red light. And so did Darkwing until he realized.

"This is a tired gag. Pull over." Darkwing pulled the ejector seat, and sprung to the plane.

The Plane jerked. It was too small to support both of their weight. The plane was going to crash into a statue of General Noregard when, Darkwing tossed the pilot overboard, and Launchpad caught him in the sidecar upside down. Darkwing smiled for that brief second before he realized

"Hey I can’t fly a plane."

He grabbed the thing that looked like a steering wheel, and began turning it.

He heard the whiny voice on the com box.

"Lousy Duck. That’s not fair. Get outta my PLAAANE"

"LP, LP, what do I do? What do I do?"

"Calm down DW. I remember these things. They steer just like cars."

A pillar was coming on his right Darkwing pulled up on the controls. And started to spin towards the ground at a dizzying speed

"Only in reverse." Launchpad ammended

Darkwing spun the controls over just in time.

"Launchpad! Help!!"

"Okay okay. Now do you know how to use the controls? Now to land you…" there was static.

Darkwing hit the com box a few times.

"Not static not now." He panicked and put his hands on the controls. He swerved and avoided another building

"I could get the hang of this."

On the ground the pilot began to wake up.

"Where was the static coming from?" Launchpad wondered.

The pilot pulled out a pistol and put it in Launchpad’s chest.

"Yes now you’re in trouble you conniving Ducks. Wait till the Captain Karnage gets back. You’ll be in so much trouble."

"Captain… Don Karnage?" Launchpad’s ears perked up.

Darkwing rolled up his sleeves but still was sweating like a hamster.

"I got the hang of steering. Now where do we…"

"DW, DW! I think we are in trouble."

Darkwing gave that same look "Really, No I think I can learn to land a plane in two minutes before I run into a building.

"It’s not that."

Launchpad had a musket to his head. "These guys are crazy."

"Yeah tell me something I don’t know Launchpad. They are flying planes in the middle of a city. Now tell me how to land this thing!"

"No, no no. They think that they’re…"

"What?" Darkwing felt a huge shudder that knocked the radio out of his hand.

He looked out the window the plane had complete control.

"Look at that the planes on auto-pilot." Darkwing put his feet up "Now what was it-"

"DW the CT-37x2 doesn’t have autopilot, it’s thirty years before a decent autopilot."

"Yeah right LP. Yeah uh hum. Well I’m flying just fine now." He didn’t see the huge talon grab his wings.

"But you don’t understand, DW. They think that they are-"

"What. Who do these guys think they are and why is it so important."

"DW Look behind you."

Darkwing stuck his head of the right wing.

"Uh oh." Darkwing’s eyes got very small.

It was a huge black steel hovercraft with a human beak on the end. He got on the box

"That explains the static. I’ll say it’s in the air. Look at that LP. What kind of plane is that? Looks like you could fit a small army in there."

The voice rose out of the Com Box "I am Maddog E. Glory and you are in the hands of the dreaded plague of Cape Suzette, the horrible clutches of the-"

Launchpad shouted "AIR PIRATES."

Maddog whined "I hate it when people finish my sentences."

Don Karnage cut his sword deep into Steelbeak’s desk.

"The thought of your grubby featherings on my little Sobrina makes me want to up Charles. And then you have the lunacy to kiss another. You have a wish for death."

Steelbeak was trying to crawl backwards away from him.

"You should learn your place, you little dirty Chicken. I’m going to pluck you. And then I’m going to serve you in a paella" Don Karnage tried to crush his hand under his boot.

"Hey." Steelbeak was surprised that he thought it sounded strangely appetizing.

"Prepare to meet your Baker."

Steelbeak closed his eyes.

"That’s maker!" Out of no where Gingko Biloba jumps from behind her desk, and slashes through her sports coat, revealing her padded cat suit.

Don Karnage turned around. Steelbeak made a run for his desk. Eyes still closed. He could hear the battle ensue.

"How could you ruin a perfectly good threat? That is Maker, not Baker." She flashed her pinkie nails.

"What are you doing small one? I am trying to kill this horrible rooster."

"You kill him? I’m going to kill that Rooster."

"You? He kissed you. He likes you." Don Karnage tried to process the exchange.

"I am going to kill that Rooster, and nobody is going to stand in my way."

"What?"

"I am Gingko Biloba, Night Mistress of the Mysterious Night. Prepare to meet you doom!" She front flips off the desk and bore her fierce nails.

Don Karnage stopped and whispered to the rooster "I think this woman is having her is getting her monthly visit by her Prime Minister."

"Nah, it’s just an Annie thing."

Gingko Biloba struck her pirate opponent. He almost forgot to parry her blitz. Her steel nails crashed and clanged against the deft parries of his sword.

Gingko Biloba shouted, "What’s a matter? Too much of a coward to attack a woman?" she egged him on and lead him out of the office.

She flipped again only backwards out into the main lobby. The drones of the company paid no mind to the duel between a pink-eyed secretary in a black catsuit and a person dressed in a Napoleanic war tunic spouting broken English. It happened almost everyday here.

Karnage copied her, made the flip, but fell on his face.

"Ouchie"

A few interested bystanders clapped at him sarcastically. "That was graceful."

He recovered just in time to parry a pinky nail about to slice his neck.

He could think of nothing else to do but blitz her. She blocked it well and sliced a good portion of his tail hair off. He pushed her down.

He stood up in a defensive stance as she reeled.

"So if you will be excusing me my deerling. I must go kill Steelbek." Don Karnage announced

She thrust out her foot and tripped Karnage, who went flying into a rubber plant. She stood over him.

"You broke my nail." She pushed her palm twice and another one popped up.

"Wow. That must save on your bill for manicures." Some random woman said.

"How dare you try to kill the man I’m going to kill? I called him. Didn’t I?" she addressed the crowd. "I called him."

The crowd laughed but agreed. "Yeah she’s been talking about it for years."

"Well finders sweepers. Lugists creepers." Don Karnage said sing songy.

"I am going to kill Steelbeak."

"Don Karnage is going to kill Steelbek!"

"I am!"

"Don Karnage will!"

"I AM!!!!!" She stabbed her hand into the wall. Don Karnage ducked.

She stuck her nail four inches into the marble wall of the lobby

"Blast you Karnage! I’ll not stand for anyone threatening and maiming my Steelbeak or anyone else anyway.
"Yes. You be trying to get out of that stone, yes-no?"

She slashed her free hand at his neck. Don Karnage eeped

"Okay, but don’t not try too hard." Don Karnage said wiping the sweat from his brow

"You’ll never find him at my apartment."

He sighed, as she slapped herself in the forehead.

He tipped his sword, in a formal salute position "You have fought very well." And sheathed it. "Don’t not be too dissapated. For I am the most stupendorous fighter who ever lived. You would make a fine air pirate."

Gingko stopped struggling to escape.

"Really me?"

"Absolutemente! You are being very violent, evil and most of all not a bear." He patted her on the head "You would be Don Karnage’s lieutenant. Better than any sad flying bear."

He then muttered to himself "Not to mention esptupider than flying bear".

Gingko Biloba was plunged into a hazy dream sequence.

She saw herself standing on the bow of a plane her crimson flight scarf and goggles flashing the terrible weather, surrounded by a hundred jet black jet planes. The skies were filled with thunder and lighting and she moved her men onward. She cackled.

She broke out of this delusion by the laughter of her fellow FOWL employees.

"Hey Annie’s stuck in the wall. Hehheheh. She couldn’t beat Don Karnage." Agent Double N Tundra laughed.

She was being beginning to really hate this job.

"Would I be the first female air pirate?" she asked.

Don Karnage looked confused "Whoops. You are a woman, aren’t you?" he laughed at his error "I forgot. You look much like a small Asian boy I know. Well then I am sorry you cannot join. No woman are allowed."

"AAAAARRGGGGGGGGGGH!" was accompanied by non-Disney words

"Good Bye, Gingko Biloba, may we meet again."

"Where are you going Karnage?"

"To kill Steelbek."

"oh NO YOU WON’T-"

Misjudging her own strength, Gingko Biloba didn’t pull her claw out of the stone. Instead she ripped out a chunk of marble the size of a small TV. With the force of all her own strength, she bapped herself across the chin and knocked herself unconscious. Little birdies that swirl around her head laughed at her.

"It is not funny you dirty birds!" she said woozily, before passing out.

Don Karnage took a little bow before the assembled committee and left the building in search of her apartment.

Steelbeak was driving Countess as fast as he could. He needed a place to hide. He needed to get out of there. He slunk down in the seat. Did the fox find him? Where was the fox? Where was the fox? Where was he? Up there, down there, Up there down there.

The light changed.

He caught his breath and his thoughts. Okay he was uptown. He didn’t know anyone uptown. It was a really shady section. He sighed, straightened his mirror, slicked back his comb and began to search his mind for his crime connections.

Wait a minute. Annie lived up town. Some little dive. He had to remember before he started to panic and lose his head again. Before the fox would come and-

Justice Heights. Yes that is where Annie lived. Yeah. If she had stopped fighting with the Fox, she would have been home by now. She could let him in hide him. She’d hide him. He felt safer around Annie Pedicure than anyone on Earth. Yeah she’d protect him; she’d scare off the fox.

He freaked.

The sign flashed "Justice Heights no vacanc" with the y missing and the no vacancy flashing red. It looked more like a hotel than a legitimate apartment house. He hoped Annie was at home, he needed to cover up, he need to get someplace where the fox couldn’t see him. Annie would help.

On the stoop, Steelbeak couldn’t help but notice that a six-foot tall ice cream cone was talking to a beakless mutant in a cape and mole/bat like mask. Hey he wasn’t FOWL’s top agent for nothing. It would be kind of hard to avoid a thing like that.

Steelbeak decided it wasn’t a violent mutant so he wouldn’t worry about it. It wasn’t a fox and frankly he never could worry about two things at once.

The Ice Cream Cone approached him "Hi I’m Uncle Creamy, Apartment 3F, are you the Freakazoid? They said we’d be getting some new tenants today. Welcome to the apartment." He shook his hand. The strange raspy voice of the ice cream cone seemed so inappropriate.

"No no no no. I’m here to see Annie."

"Oh GB. Well I didn’t know she had a boyfriend. Yeah. That is great."

The other person on the stoop who looked like a Photorealisitc bat in a super pig costume began to approach him

"Yeah looks like Annie got herself a rooster boy. Cockadoodle Doo. Personally I find those nails quite animalistic." He purred and chucked Steelbeak under the chin.

"Shut up Die Fledermaus." The Ice Cream cone put his arm around his shoulder "It’s good to know Annie found someone. She’s married to her job."

"No, no, no no. I’m not her boyfriend." Steelbeak laughed as he disengaged amicably "I’m her boss."

"You couldn’t be." Uncle Creamy slapped him on the shoulder

"Yeah her boss is like evil." Die stood up

"Yes he is a big fat Basilisk like creature who haunts her day and night in the attempt to steal her dark powers. You’d have to be way uglier." Uncle Creamy laughed

"Yeah and dumber" Die joined in

"Yeah" Creamy and Die were supporting each other.

Steelbeak paused. He didn’t know she had another job. Well with the economy what it was a secretary’s salary couldn’t make ends meet… "What’s the name of this boss of hers?"

"Umm… Something-dangerous" Uncle Creamy struck a groovy pose.

"Yeah like Dark Beak." Die tried to remember

"Or Steel heart." Uncle Creamy

"That’s a dumb name." Steelbeak vocalized

"Yeah and anyways. Not only this guy is the most repulsive, most dangerous, most horribly evil guy ever born, this guy is supposed to have a stainless steel-" Die laughed.

Uncle Creamy tapped him on the shoulder. The Die Fledermaus took a long deep look at the rooster and squeaked and jumped in Uncle Creamy’s arms

"Run."

They ran off into the building.

Uncle Creamy was still carrying Die Fledermaus when they ran into a tall curvy red haired human woman, carrying a ladder, a tool belt in coveralls.

"Oh Die Fledermaus, since when did you two get married." She laughed and tossed her flaming red hair off her shoulder.

"DRAQONELLE! You got to save me…er us." Die Fledermaus fell to her feet.

"It’s the Steelbeak. He’s come to get Annie!" Uncle Creamy was panicking. "We’ve got to stop him."

"That reminds my I have oxygen therapy at…oh now." Die Fledermaus checked his watch. "Tell me how it works out."

As Die Fledermaus sped down the hall, Draqonelle stuck out her leg and tripped him, and looked down on him.

"What are you guys gibbering about?" Draqonelle said shifting the weight of the ladder.

"We saw him outside. We didn’t know it was him at first. He really didn’t look evil."

"Actually, he looked kinda cool. He has surprisingly good fashion sense for a chicken. That white armani suit with the-"

"The point is that he says he’s Annie’s boss." Uncle Creamy interupted Die’s fashion appreciation.

"All right Fred and Ethel, chill out. It’s not my business, but I’ll check him out as a favor to you. Help me with this ladder." they lifted the ladder as they headed out the door "I mean come on, there is no such person as Steel-"

The rooster waved at her "Hey, babycakes. Does Annie Pedicure live in this building?"

She shrugged "So I was wrong."

Creamy ran inside the building. Die Fledermaus jumped into her arms. He looked up at her.

"You know baby, this isn’t so bad."

She dropped him on his butt, and used hand sanitizer.

"Pal a-" the Rooster approached.

Die Fledermaus whimpered "Please don’t hurt me."

Draqonelle sighed at their cowardice.

The Rooster asked her "What is wrong with those guys?"

"Well The origin story of Uncle Creamy is interesting, he was an ex-mime who was turned into an ice cream mutant by toxic waste and-" She asked.

"I mean why are they so crazy?"

"Oh that." Draqonelle laughed and didn’t answer. She dragged the ladder out of the stoop

"You’re the Steelbeak. I really thought you’d be taller in person. And slimier and more loathsome in general."

"I see my reputation doesn’t proceed me."

"She talks about you a lot. I feel like I know you already, or the strange and diseased illusion of you she has in her own mind. I’m the landlady, Draqonelle." She stuck out her hand.

"Charmed Babycakes."

"Don’t call me babycakes." She said. She continued to heft the ladder down the stoop.

"Ooh let me help ya."

"Finally a gentleman. So have you come to kill Annie."

"What?"

"Come on Steelbeak, why else would you bother to find her apartment." She set up the ladder.

"Why would I want to kill Annie?"
"She’s your arch enemy."

"Darkwing Duck is my archenemy." He sputtered "Please. Like what would I need like two archenemies for? And if I was gonna get another archenemy, why would it be Annie? She’s my secretary, and she is the funniest little practical joker, man."

"Well then, why did you come here?"

"It’s my girlfriend’s uncle."

"Ooh I sense something big. Here, let me." She began sucking on her finger.

"Hey what you doing there Babycakes?"

"Please don’t call me that?" she stuck her finger in his ear. "Wet Willie."

Steelbeak began crowing at this horrible sensation.

Draq took her finger out and wiped it off in her bandanna.

"Well gobble gobble to you too."

"Why did you-"

"Ooh Juicy situation." Draqonelle rubbed her hands together. "Ethnic fox pirate uncle angry that you, a lowly rooster, are dating his gorgeous young cyborg niece in the attempt to capture your lost youth. I got to tell you Derek, me lad. I don’t get many stories like this. Something out of Gabriel Garcia Marquez."

"Hey How’d you know my…"

"But you have no idea how Annie feels about you? Man. This is some plucked up situation."

"But you called me Derek…"

"Oh. I scanned your mind."

"What!" Steelbeak held his ear.

"I picked this up from William the Conqueror’s court druid. Basically if you do it right you can actually read someone’s mind."

"So that’s why they call it-?"

"Yeah a wet willie. It’s not really magic but well..."

"Boy and I thought I had been around the block…" Steelbeak whistled

"Oh yeah. I was born in 3^rd Century Attica outside of Athens. And I do know one thing. Always get in good with a girl’s family."

"Easy for you to say. He is a bloodthirsty cutthroat pirate." Steelbeak held his neck

"Well you are a disfigured, cold blooded ruthless spy."

"But..."

"What’s wrong Steelie?"

"Nothing." He shrieked.

"Come on. I promise not to tell. Swear to Styx." Raised her hand.

"Why would you swear by a sappy 80’s techno band?"

"It means, that I, a demigoddess protectorate of this region of the Nexus has to do whatever you promise." She held up her claw.

"Now dish. You are Steelbeak. The top agent of the most ruthless and powerful crime organization in the world. Why are you worried about some uncle?"

"I-"

"Don’t flatter yourself, I have more important things to do than gab to my friends who the real Steelbeak is." Rolled her eyes. "Please you Canardians are just hung up on this secret identity crap. I can’t even call anyone by his or her real name. Darkwing, Megavolt, Negaduck." she spat "By Apollo’s bow." She scuffled off muttering, setting up the ladder.

"All right, you obviously been around the block, you probably been around a small country. I’ll dish."

Steelbeak sat down as Draqonelle climbed the ladder.

"He’s a fox." He said almost too quietly for any normal ear to pick up.

"Serena’s a fox?" Draq screwed up her brow.

"No, she’s my Rena-poochie. This is different."

"How so? She has teeth, claws, fluffy tail, red fur."

"But she isn’t trying to kill me." Steelbeak started panting, and loosening his collar.

"I mean, I can just feel that Uncle Karnage all around me like he is like stalking me, &I look and he’s not there and I think I must be going nuts &then feel something poking me in the back & I turn around and I can’t breathe and …and." He began hyperventilating.

"Whoa. Now catch a breath buddy." Draq said, "Do you need a glass of water?"

"No no no. I just need to find someone who can get rid of that fox."

Draq thought about it as she turned off the fluorescent sign

"Why don’t you just shoot him?"

Steelbeak took a long look at her. "Huh?"

"It’s simple he has a sword. You have a nine-millimeter. Why don’t you just blow him away? Boosh before he can blink."

"Well, I-" Steelbeak looked really confused.

"Oh no. Killing the uncle is not the way to impress Serena. Hmm. No that will be tough. I hope you got a lot of cash on you for flowers. Subduing a egomaniacal air pirate is one thing but trying to get your girlfriend to forget something dumb you did… Even I can’t tell you where to begin."

"I’ve got something planned for New Years tomorrow."

"Well let’s hope it’s big. Now back to Uncle Karnage." Draq climbed down off the ladder, rubbing her chin "Hey, you could always get like 40 egg men to like surround him… But I have a feeling that would kind of emasculate you. I mean you are really machismo. You know that. Like Crocodile hunting and stuff. No we need a hands on approach."

"The egg men might work though."

"Oh get a grip Steelie, be a man. Be a tough guy."

"But he’s going to bite me." Steelie whined.

"Look Steelbeak. I know this goes against your genetic code. I mean you are fighting 2 million years of sapient evolution. I mean for thousands millennia, foxes have been the dauntless and unstoppable predator of chickens in particular. In the whole scheme of evolution I mean foxes were the only predators of chickens during the Pleistocene era. Did you know that a fox’s jaw is as wide as a chicken’s neck? It’s a trait they developed. The Prehistoric fox used to drag Cave chicken back to their lair by their necks. It was the only way they could drag the whole carcass their, because the chicken’s waddle is really bitter. The Chickens developed a waddle because of that you know. So they couldn’t get their head’s bitten off"

Steelbeak grimaced and held his neck even tighter "Oh thanks. He’s going to get me."

"It’s quite upsetting. Hey I still get the chills whenever someone walks by with an alligator handbag. But look at it this way. I mean you obviously aren’t completely incapacitated by it. I mean you’re dating a fox for Apollo’s sake. I mean it really shows that you have evolved beyond that impulse."

"So you’re telling me that this is one of them psycho scimanteric thingeys."

"Yeah."

"Yeah right. Look he is a pirate. He has a big sword. And he is going to chop me up."

"Look, I’ve got it. You can maintain your dignity, impress Serena and get rid of Karnage."

"Who can do that?"

Draqonelle was getting tired of this.

"Why don’t you just kick his butt?"

"WHAT?"

"Look, I’ve heard enough of this self doubt Steelbeak. You could take him."

"You’re serious? I am not fighting him." Clutching his neck protectively.

Draq touched his shoulder "Come on. You are a good kick boxer. You placed third in the Bang Cockadoodle Internationals."

"Uh uh. He’s gonna bite me."

"You can break blocks of cement, with your left hand."

"No." Steelbeak made a biting gesture.

"You can take him."

"Look if you aren’t going to be any help I am just going to have to find Serena and apologize. She can stop him."

"Look she is over reacting and you know it." Draq began to sound like him "You cave in now and you’ll never be able to hold your head up again."

"I don’t care. Anything is better than being apart from her."

Draqonelle picked up her ears "What did you say?"

"I said ‘I’d do anything not to fight Karnage.’"

"Oh, you know for a second I thought you know maybe it was a Freudian slip or something."

Steelbeak shook his head.

"Why Steelbeak, you know this isn’t about her uncle being a fox, you’re scared you’re going to lose Serena."

"Look I’m going to find her now." Steelbeak walked out to his car

"Thanks for nothing Babycakes." He sped off.

Draq shouted cheerfully "Thanks for the help with the ladder, you miserable bucket-headed coward."

Draqonelle pared her nails, and willed a small nail to appear on the road. The car drove over it and got a flat tired.

"He’ll be back."

She went back into the apartment and made mental preparations to greet her new tenants. The sign flashed "Justice Heights: Vacancy" as Draq went to go get some coffee.

Serena was at the batting cage.

"Lousy no good." She smacked a ball through the ceiling.

The owner wailed "My roof."

"Sorry Mr. Johamsen."

The St. Canard Batting cage was the only place she wouldn’t destroy when she was this mad.

"Lousy no good, machismo, moronic, stupid."

She clipped one. It only dented the fence.

"They are all alike. Well they can just beat-"

She missed it.

She wasn’t a real big fan of baseball but she really didn’t want to go this way to the supermarket. Last time she threw a temper tantrum in public it cost her 3000$ in renovations at the poor guy’s house. But hey she was only 13.

She was just getting a good amount of her anger out when…

"Hey slugger you’re looking good out there."

Serena looked over her shoulder. It was Steelbeak.

"Go away Steelbeak." She screamed.

"Look I know you’re angry but-."

"No the-"

She ducked. The ball hit Steelbeak in the shoulder.

"You forgot to put on a helmet." She said.

"Ouch."

"Now get out of here."

"Oh that’s sweet Serena. you don’t want me to get hurt by the-"

"No, now I’m too mad to speak to you." Serena got ready for the next pitch.

"Come on. Serena. I’m sorry, look let me just talk to you. Give me five minutes."

"All right." She stood up and waved the machine off.

"That ought to give me enough time to find wooden bat to crack across your rusty two timing beak. This is only aluminum."

She tossed the aluminum one at him; he rolled out of the way, just to avoid it. It bent in half. He wiped his forehead.

"Look Serena. I’m sorry about Annie, I mean I really can’t apologize for a thing like that, but I’m sorry I made you feel so bad."

"So bad? So bad? SO BAD!" she was panting with an unspeakable rage. She switched gears. She yowled.

Then she became quiet "Well actually I am just glad. Glad to find out that my boyfriend is up to his horrible obnoxious womanizing ways, and will use any excuse just so he can flirt, seduce, pinch or KISS any woman he sees."

"Look I am an artist. Would you ask Leonardo to stop painting? Would you stop Beethoven to stop composing? I have a reputation to maintain."

"Reputation? You better not have a REPUTATION! I am not dating some Chickeny horrible skeeze. You are my boyfriend and I am not sharing you just so you can impress your loser Egg men."

"Look ‘Rena, it was a tiny peck."

"I’ll give you a tiny peck. Where is that Louisville slugger?" she said rifling through the bat box.

"’Rena don’t you think ya might be exaggerating a little bit? I mean to get your uncle to come and kill me."

This rooster was the most maddening person on the planet

"I didn’t call Uncle Ron out here to kill you. He’s just being a selfish jerk."

"But Serena."

It is so like you, our relationship is in the gutter and all you can think about is yourself."

"Poochie-"

"Don’t call me Poochie. I told you once. I never want to see you again. Now why don’t you just find some bimbo and go try your lame apology on her." She waved the bat at him.

"But ‘Rena."

"Get out of here." she dropped the bat and threw her helmet on the ground

Steelbeak let go of his own neck; he looked at his feet. He pulled himself up as if he was talking to Darkwing Duck, that and cold and dry old jokester.

"All right, Serena Hikariwa. I don’t need this. I can find a million other girls, a trillion. If you want this to ruin what we have together hey" he chuckled so she wouldn’t notice the trembling in his voice "That is fine by me." His voice was slow.

"I didn’t do anything. You did it all by yourself, Steelbeak." Serena picked up her bat

"I’m outta here." He shuffled off.

"Goodbye Serena."

She didn’t look up.

Gingko Biloba went racing down a street. Being the Night Mistress of the Mysterious Night, even in the day she could usually run right to her quarry. But she wasn’t expecting what came next

Three men in funky pirate costumes. They looked ridiculous.

Gingko Biloba held her ornate neon pink high-necked cape in her arms as she skulked.

"Well we gotta find Captain Karnage. How else are we gonna get out of here."

A dog whispered in the other creature’s ear.

"No I don’t think we’d make good play boy bunnies."

He whispered again.

"Well I’m sorry I don’t have good hearing."

The whispering continued.

"Well I wish the captain was back too. He’d know what to do with those ducks."

The one who looked remotely in charge was a strange large nose creature with beady eyes and no tail.

Aha. He could be only one creature on the Earth. Megavolt, the vile slug who had saddled her with the false name of the HangNail.

She gritted her teeth. Her time of vengeance was at hand.

She popped out of the alley. On top of a garbage can.

"So vile creature. We meet again."

"Excuse me little boy but-"

Gingko Biloba swelled to her full height. And bore her vicious claws. The bigger pirate guy jumped into the smaller ones arms.

"Prepare to die you vile and repugnant wart. I’ll enjoy your scream and "

The pirates actually began shivering. She was surprised most people just laughed when they saw her access her pure and terrible rage.

"I’m not the Maggie Volt. I’m Maddog."

"Boy he’s scarier than Don Karnage."

"I am not-" she slashed his suspenders and his pants came off "A little boy"

His knees knocked together

"She’s the scariest person I ever seed." The one the size of a dumptruck lamented

Gingko Biloba jumped from the top of the trashcan, and flashed her huge pinky claws in their faces. Dumptruck fainted.

"I am Gingko Biloba, Night Mistress of the Mysterious Night."

"Ahh don’t hurt us great and Glorious Gingko Biloba."

"Please we’ll do anything. We’ll make you Captain."

"Captain?"

"Of the Iron Vulture great Don Biloba." The one who looked like Megavolt said

"I’m not a boy."

"The Great Donya Gingko Biloba." Dumptruck lamented

"Just don’t kill us." The others bawled.

"Donya Biloba? I like the sound of that."

Perhaps she had been too hasty. After all she was an all-powerful entity. They couldn’t be blamed for seeming stupid next to her. Maybe they needed her help.

"Very well Rad dog I will not kill you."

"It’s Maddog Miss Biloba."

"Captain Biloba!" she corrected him

"It’s Maddog Captain Biloba."

"Dare you make fun of my mispronounciation of your name?" Gingko said

"No No Rad dog is fine."

"Take me to this Iron Vulture than."

As if Serena wasn’t mad enough. Uncle Ron came into the store.

"Serena, my Ruby. Your Uncla Ron, has been looking for you like Anita who is in a haystack."

"That’s ‘a needle’ in a haystack."

"Really. I always wondered why it would be so hard to find a woman in a stack of hays."

"I’m busy."

""What is this you are doing? Much more important to be hitting a ball than get that no good traitorous Chicken boy loser man, yes-no?"

I don’t want to talk about it."

"But he will get away with insulting you. This is the strawberry that broke the camels back."

Serena let that one slide.

"Now you will tell your Uncla Ron, where Gingko Biloba’s apartment is."

"What are you talking about?"

"The woman with the nails and the ‘Prepare for your doom Adios Rooster’,"

"Oh Annie." Yes. It made sense. If Uncle Ron wanted to kill Steelbeak, the safest place for him would be with Annie. She’d never let anyone else hurt Steelie.

"We must get him. Now-"

"Uncle Ron will you just-" she hit another ball. "Uncle Ron, let me explain something to you. I don’t want to have anything to do with him anymore. That means killing him too." She hit another ball through the roof.

"But Serena. The Chicken must learn his lesson. He is no good enough for a fox. He must be made an example."

"Uncle Ron, what are you talking about? You are such a specist."

"Well look at what has been happening between you and him. He breaked you heart. It was not meant to be, he couldn’t help but hurt you."

"That is not true. He is just an idiot."

"Now now now. He is a filthy chicken. He could not help it and should have known better."

"Look, Fox, chicken, BEAR, it doesn’t matter, he kissed another girl and wouldn’t even apologize to me. To him I am just another pretty face and he thinks he could replace me in a second. That is why I am dumping him. Not because of my stupid fox honor, and certainly not because he is another species."

"Don’t even joke about that, BEARS. Eww. Next you’ll be dating a slug."

She turned around "I’m an adult, Uncle Ronaldo. I’ll date a Paddywhack if he is a good and decent and caring man. You can’t tell me how I feel about someone."

"Well, you say you don’t care what happens to him and then you defend him. You are so distraught by emotion; you know nothing of what you want. I will handle everything my little Ruby. Now I will go and find her apartment."

"Fine Whatever." She continued batting practice.

Maddog came in skipping with Launchpad.

"Cap’n. Cap’n. More prisoners. I’ll bet your really pleased." Maddog smiled.

Launchpad looked into the darkness.

There was a little person sitting in to chair with pink eyes and long steel nails.

"Should I be?" she said running her nail along the edge of a snifter of milk.

"Yeah. I mean Don Karnage is always glad when I bring prisoners back."

"Don Karnage is a little Asian boy? Wow." Launchpad marveled "I guess there is something to this revisionist history after all.

"That is not Don Karnage. Don Karnage is dead to us. We have a new Captain" The captain set down her drink.

"You are in the presence of the glorious Queen of the Clouds, Night Mistress of the Mysterious Night…"

"Donya Gingko Biloba." she cried, raising her glass. "Thank you, um pirate." She couldn’t remember his name. She looked around "Now do I get him to bow?" she whispered to the air pirate.

"Ooh that’s a good one. Yeah. Cap’n"

"Bow before Captain Biloba." Maddog pushed them down.

"Hey aren’t you that crazy secretary that sent us Steelbeak’s address." Launchpad asked.

"Meddlesome Duck." She slashed her nails "If you had only followed my instructions I could have killed Steelbeak by now. Instead you let Darkwing let Steelbeak get away. So I shall take it out on both of you."

Darkwing was thrown on his knees next to him.

"Well, my my my. Hangnail we meet again." Darkwing laughed "What’s a matter Kitten, run out of emery boards?"

Gingko Biloba growled.

"I an not a cat. I am not a little Asian boy. I am not Hangnail." She slammed her fist against the girders.

"But I am the Captain of this Airship. The Iron Vulture." She’d get that stupid Megavolt for giving her that nickname. But first she would perforate the insolent duck.

"The Iron Vulture?" Darkwing asked. "Isn’t that the Mallormatic Special 383 GX constructed in 1933 by the famed but insane Dr. Werner Wolpatt, representing the first achievement in hovercraft technology, stolen by Don Karnage on March 3, 1934?" Darkwing rattled off. Everyone stared at him.

"See I told you I was listening Launchpad." Darkwing gloated. The pirate pushed him on the floor.

"Golly this thing is a masterpiece. It should be in a museum." LP gawked. "You should sell this to the Air museum. You could make millions Miss Pedicure."

"Millions." The air pirates behind them said simultaneously, jaws dropping, eyes bugging, and pirates falling and fainting.

"Wow. That would make us… millionaires." They murmured.

"SILENCE!" Gingko Biloba growled.

"Come on Cap’n. There is no profit in this killing Steelbeak and punishing Karnage thing." Dumptruck said.

"Dumptruck’s right." Will assented.

"It is a good idea captain. Why we’ve been in the air for 15 years, since we left The Karmic Fields." Maddog said.

She glared at him

"But I have to agree with Donya Biloba." Maddog sat down

"We are not selling this ship until Karnage, Steelbeak, and these two here all suffer at my wrath. Is that clear? Not a second until…No wrath, no sell. You hearing me."

The air pirates cowered in fear.

"Geesh. No wonder your captain abandoned you guys. All you do is whine, unless someone has a stupid idea. Put them in the jail thing…"

"The brig Ma’am."

"Thank you Bulldog." She patted Maddog on the head.

"It’s really Maddog."

She growled.

"But I like Bulldog better." He smiled. She left throwing her cape behind her.

Before she was out of range Darkwing began singing the Meow Mix song.

The air pirates stared at their captives.

Will reasoned "Hey if we kill these two now. Then we won’t have to wait as long to sell the Vulture."

"Yeah." Dumptruck agreed. "So what are we waiting for?"

Darkwing and Launchpad stood up.

"Run"

Steelbeak was walking down the street, looking at his shoes. His car had burst a tire mysteriously. He walked down the street staring at all the people passing.

He passed the restaurant he and Serena often went to for Chinese together, The Marco Polo, one of those gimmick restaurants really. Half Chinese half Italian. He could almost see himself and Serena sitting at their table talking and laughing in the good old days.

But what he did see was entirely more unusual.

There was a cute leggy dragon with long red hair at their table by the window. He was good at noticing that kind of thing. Not that he was a wolf or anything. It wasn’t her curves that he noticed about her. It was something else. There was something eerily indragon about her. Especially that red hair. Lizard girls normally didn’t have such nice hair. The only other dame he could remember with hair like that was… But Draqonelle the LandLady was a hairless beakless mutant. But he couldn’t get over the feeling that he had seen her before. She was eating pasta.

"Hey Steelbeak." She waved as if she knew him already "Why the long cold metal beak?" she said, scarfing down on another forkful of vodka penne.

"Not you again." Steelbeak groaned, "How’d you- You look like normal. How’dya do dat?"

"I am the Steward of the Nexus. It’s my job to do crap like this. I think I look cute as a dragon here."

"Oh yeah, but…" He whistled, but caught himself "Wait have you come to talk me into confronting Karnage? I’m not gonna-"

"Oh get over yourself I am on a date." Draq said refolding her napkin.

"Look, babycakes. I don’t need any more of your psychobiological mumbo jumbo. Karnage is going to kill me, Serena never wants to see me again."

"Cheer up. You’re young , under 500 years old, and rich. You know they say once you date outside your species you never go back." She plicked his waddle. He pushed her away.

"No thanks, babycakes. I draw the line at hairless monkey/dragon creatures."

"Oh well. Suit yourself. My date is kind of boring. Come on and have some zabagliones and strawberries with us."

"No thanks. What’s the point? I’m dead soon anyway."

"Are you really still hung up on this? You, my friend, are the great Steelbeak. You don’t need some silly hot headed dame to tell you that you can’t kiss anyone else."

"Shut up, scale face."

Draq thumbed invisible suspenders "I’m da Steelbeak, I gotta keep in practice"

"Why don’t you go ignite yaself? Ya match head."

Draq stood up. She was a lot more impressive in this dragon form, her wings wrapped over her back.

"Well. You’re a free man now."

"What free to be alone? Free to waste the resta my life when I had finally learned how to live? I’d like ta see that."

"But everybody wants to be free." She sat down

"Well not me. I feel so horrible now."

"That’s love for you. Half-chocolate ice cream sundae, half-smoldering pile of ash. Speaking of which why don’t you stay for the alleged Tartufo? Tastes like a shoe, but I have to stay for dessert. This guy is going to put me in a coma if you don’t stay here and liven things up."

"You know Draq, I thought I was self-absorbed. I’m going to be killed and all you can think about is your crummy date. I can’t handle the stress. I wish it was over right now. Without Serena how can I go on."

"Sorry kid, I’m not a genie." Draqonelle looked up. "And here comes Mr. Fantastic himself. Mr. Rivera! Yeah. Over here. You were telling me how you smuggled that idol out of North Thembria." She waved. At this a handsome fox with a dumb red mustache walked over.

"Uh oh." Steelbeak gulped.

"The Steelbek." He screamed

Steelbeak looked at him "Do I know you?" chuckling nervously.

The fox ripped of his bulky overcoat revealing a blue coat.

"It is I Don Karnage. This is the last meal you’ll ever eat Steelbeak. I am thinking."

He unsheathed his sword.

Steelbeak glowered at Draqonelle "You’re going on a date with the guy who’s trying to kill me?"

Draq pretended to look shocked "I didn’t know he was Don… Karnage. He said his name was Geraldo."

"Yeah right Draqonelle. Geraldo Rivera. And I thought you were on my side."

"I don’t really take sides. It’s not my thing. But I feel for you, man."

"Don’t feel for me. Help me outta this!" Steelbeak said.

"Weren’t you the one who wanted ‘this all to be over with, without Serena’-"

He shoved a roll in her mouth. And began to run.

"I have the rooster trapped like a poking a pig."

"Hey as long as you aren’t poking me." Draq smiled.

"Senorita Draquona, I must be going."

"REALLY!" she smiled. "I mean…Really?"

"I must go after the loser boy Chicken man who defiled my sobrina’s honor."

"Come on Karnie. Just a little peck."

"He destroyed my poor little Ruby."

"With a kiss? Please. Serena is a woman of the 90’s, and no not the 1490’s, though I just have to say Izzie D’Este, Vickie Colonna and Lucy Borges could really rock the house. Where was I. Hey you know there was a time in you dimension’s history when foxes didn’t even have civil rights, and were branded as inferior creatures. And that was a pretty big change. Oh bigger than the co-mingling of two species." Draq lifted one eyebrow as if she knew something.

The bloodthirsty pirate was almost silenced.

"Look Sociologimiable variables aside I am going to slice open that lousy Chicken, and make croquettes out of him and keep him alive long enough to make him watch."

"Over a kiss?" Draqonelle had the inclination to stop him

"Not just any kiss. A passionate soul sucking miserablebinating kiss that lasted for eternity and burned in his eyes twice as long."

"Ohh you mean like this."

In an uncharacteristic show of bravery spun him around and kissed him. The musket in his pocket went off. Draqonelle took a sip of Chianti to wash the taste out, as Karnage froze in place. She stuck the glass on his shoulder.

"I think we better let the kids sort it out for themselves." She patted him on his frozen head. "Check please."

Serena was strolling down the sidewalk, still trying to sort out her problem and still upset when. Bam. Someone ran into her.

"Excuse me Miss." Said the familiar doofy voice of Launchpad McQuack.

"It’s okay. Hey aren’t you-" Serena said.

"Lets not worry about this now my dear. There are dangerous air pirates in the area." Darkwing said trying to slip through his handcuffs "Lousy, no good piece of…"

On any other day of the year Serena would have left the scene hiding her face but right now…

"So the Great Darkwing Duck is trapped in a pair of handcuffs." She said in her best villain’s voice.

"Not to worry Miss" he grunted. "I’ll be free any second to fight those Litter bug air pirates."

"Here allow me." Serena said sweetly, grimacing. She crushed the links in her hand.

"Wow Gee thanks Miss…. Hey how did you?" Darkwing looked into her face.

"Heh hehe Hey Launchpad." He grabbed his sidekick.

"Look…"Launchpad gulped

"It’s Steelbeak’s maul. Well Hi Celina. We were just-" Darkwing said.

She grabbed him by the collar.

"Is that all I am to you? I’m just some overly adoring girl toy of your real enemy? Ooh. You didn’t even remember my name?"

"Uh oh."

She grabbed the ends where the handcuffs hung. And started swinging him over her head.

"I am Serena Hikariwa. Say it with me."

She was of course judo flipping him by his beak so it sounded like "Swawwa Hickarmbu."

She flipped him upside and shook him like a pear tree "Why do you automatically assume I would want to be call Steelbeak’s maul or chick or anything like that. I am a grown up woman." She dropped him on his head "Not a fruit," (slam) "not an animal," (slam) "and certainly not a maul." She picked him up and threw him across the street.

Launchpad stepped back "Are you okay Miss Hikariwa?"

She approached him and rolled up her sleeves menacingly, and quickly

Burst into tears, and collapsed into his arms.

"I miss Steelie!"

"Go fig." Darkwing said limping back.

"There there it’s okay. Tell Uncle Launchpad all about it."

Serena began gibbering about Gingko Biloba and Steelbeak and Don Karnage or her Uncle Ron. He could only recognize names.

"You see why I’m so miserable"

"Oh. Now it’s clear. Poor Baby." Darkwing rolled his eyes. She punched him in the stomach by accident.

"The appropriate response would be to say she should ennunciate better." He squeaked out. He finally passed out.

"Say DW wake up. Wasn’t Gingko Biloba chick the captain of the airship?"

"What are you talking about. My Uncle Ron is the captain."

"Well Gingko’s in charge of the Air pirates now. Donya Biloba."

"But that can’t be right. Unless, oh no you guys. Annie stole my uncle’s airship."

"Your Uncle is Don Karnage?" Launchpad asked.

"Well Don Karnage isn’t real, that’s silly. He’s a comic book character. It’s just back in the 60’s my uncle must have tripped some Bad Acid or something because now he thinks he’s Don Karnage. If there was a real Don Karnage he died in like 1957 or something."

"But how do you explain the Iron Vulture, then? The air pirates?"

"He just found it while he was on one of those hippie commune. They all thought it was pretty groovy or something. Maybe everyone on the commune was tired of being hippies. He and his friends just decided instead trying out Peace and Love, that decided they would try Plunder and Pillage. So in like 1975 they all flew off no one ever saw the Iron Vulture again. Besides when he came to for my birthday parties and stuff."

"That is some story. The counterfeit air pirates are in fact, a crew of burn-out hippies under the guise of a madman."

"But just because he’s not the real Don Karnage doesn’t mean he’s not a fearsome and dangerous pirate. He’s still the captain of the Iron Vulture, and stuff."

"But that doesn’t change the fact that he has been ousted by the Hang Nail, AKA Annie Pedicure, AKA Gingko Biloba, AKA Captain Donya Biloba."

"What does AKA mean?" Launchpad asked. All Kangaroos asphyxiate? Angry Knowledge Acquiesces? Any Knockwurst Available?"

"As stupid as possible." Darkwing muttered.

"No that’s ASAP." Launchpad corrected obliviously.

"Oh Launchpad. You are so nice to me." She hugged him too tight. He turned blue "What am I going to do?"

"Put Launchpad down first." He gasped.

"Oh sorry." Serena let him go.

"Hey Chin Bill, get your hands off my girlfriend."

"Steelbeak?" Launchpad gasped trying to pry Serena off.

"Well if you speak of the Rustbeak himself?" Serena said

"You let go of my Serena." Steelbeak screamed. He looked about as angry as he could get.

Launchpad quickly tried to disengage from Serena and get out of his way.

"Oh Steelbeak it’s not what you think." Launchpad chuckled.

Serena tossed her head away from the livid rooster, and held onto Launchpad tighter.

"Don’t lie to him Launchpad, you know how you feel for me."

"What?" Launchpad squeaked

Steelbeak looked as if someone stabbed him in the heart, he even physically lurched back a little.

"Come here Launchpad." Serena said grabbing him.

"Now look Steelbeak I didn’t mean to-"

Serena picked up the huge man and forcefully kissed him.

"YOU KISSED LAUNCHPAD?"

Steelbeak grabbed Launchpad and kicked him in the face.

"And that was just a little kick to the head."

"Oh I do not believe you. You always overreact. I feel like I’m in a prison. I can’t ever do anything without upsetting you?" Serena tossed her hair back.

"And you are always throwing yourself on to other guys. How can I trust you? How can I be with you?" Steelbeak turned around.

"I don’t think I could ever stand to be around someone as jealous as you, Steelie?"

"Well how am I supposed to date someone who is going to fool around behind my back?"

They paused.

"Well I believe this is what we would consider parallel structure to augment the irony of the situation." Draqonelle appeared smiling.

"Did anybody get the license plate on that truck?" Launchpad groaned.

"I feel horrible. I feel like…" Steelbeak said.

Launchpad groaned "Like someone came out of no where and kicked you in the head."

"No, that’s not it."

Launchpad got up and limped away.

"I’m so sorry Serena. I know like it seems nothing. But it just that you are so wonderful that any guy with half a braincell would fall for you. And I want to be with you."

"Oh Steelie, that’s how I feel about you."

"What?"

"I know I can trust you now, but can you trust me? I’m sorry I got so psycho over this whole thing."

"If you’ll forgive me."

"You first."

"Oh Steelie."

"Rena."

She grabbed him, dipped him to the ground, and kissed him stupid.

Steelbeak gasped for air.

"Next time you need a little practice kissing…" She smacked her lips playfully, brushing his comb out of his eyes "Call Me." she said seductively.

Steelbeak nodded dumbly and slumped over unconscious.

"Ooh, I’m sorry." Serena slapped him awake " I guess forget you have lungs sometimes. You could have asphyxiated or something."

"Beats drowning." Steelbeak said, and they kissed again.

Draqonelle watched from afar.

"Oh the will of the Gods is a strange thing indeed. It all works out in the end. Steelie has learned the value of monogamy and Serena has learned to trust him. Yes. I believe everything is all settled-"

At this Darkwing Duck was tossed into her. They slammed into a wall.

"Excuse me. Battle with the Air Pirates for the fate of St. Canard, hello. Can’t I-"

An air pirate punched at his head.

"Geesh since when does romance take priority on a really cool action sequence?" Darkwing tossed him into a wall.

Gingko Biloba frothed with her bullhorn. From a top the deadly Iron Vulture, thousands of feet above the buildings.

"Get Darkwing Duck, get Karnage."

"Get a life Annie. I am trying to kiss my boyfriend." Serena shouted

"Hiya Annie. Happy New Years." Shouted and waved for the ground

"Oh it won’t be happy when I get done with you Steelbeak. BWAWHHAHAHAHAHA!"

She growled quickly after cackling.

"Steelbeak. Count down the minutes till I-"

"Rena is it that late already."

"Oh Steelie don’t worry about it. It’s New Year’s Eve Eve."

"Oh. Well. We still have time." They kissed some more.

A voice rose out of the rooftops.

"You will die now you Chicken Boy Loser-man-."

"Uncle Ron what are you doing up there? Stop it."

"Serena stay out of this. I’m defending your honor. You will die Steelbek."

"Oh great it’s neck time." Steelbeak gulped

"Ooh Steelbeak, he is making me so mad. I’m going to rip him into little pieces-" she rolled up her already rolled up sleeves.

Steelbeak held her arms.

"It’s okay Serena." Steelbeak faced him. "A rooster’s gotta do what a rooster’s gotta do."

Don Karnage hopped into place, and landed before him in an en gard position with his scimitar.

"So Steelbek. It appears you have got no where else to run to."

"I’m not gonna run this time Karnage Bubbi." Steelbeak crossed his arms and stood defiantly.

"Well it appears the chicken has guts." Don Karnage lifted his sword "Too bad these guts are going to be spilled all over the ground."

Karnage swung down with his sword, and Steelbeak rolled out of the way.

"Hold still you dirty little chicken."

"I am not dirty." Steelbeak defended.

"Steelie be careful." Serena called up.

Don Karnage tried to hit him again.

Draqonelle cried to him "Attack him. Get on the offensive."

"I’d love to see you try. A little chicken fighting against me."

"Well if you hadn’t noticed Geraldo Rivera, Steelbeak is taller and has a bigger chest than you."

"The day a Chicken can beat a wolf will be the day that snow freezes in Helsinki."

He struck at Steelbeak. Steelbeak grabbed the sword mid air, as it was about to strike his head.

"Um err excuse you. I thought I heard you say something interesting. Aren’t you a fox?"

"Me, well only half. My father was a wolf you see. So that makes me a Bandar-log. Half fox and half wolf so-"

Steelbeak stood up holding the blade between his hands.

"So you’re a wolf."

"Half wolf."

Steelbeak ripped the blade from his hand. And pointed it back at him

"I just want to make it clear. You’re not a real fox."

Don Karnage gulped "Yes."

"That’s what I’ve been wanting to here."

Steelie grabbed the sword and bit into it like a cob of corn.

He handed the sword back to Karnage.

"Nice meeting you Captain Karnage." Steelie shook his hand.

Don Karnage smiled and nodded nervously.

"I mean it is really an honor to meet Serena’s family."

"I’ll-" he pointed his broken sword at him "I’ll kill you yet you filthy rooster."

"But now it is time to say Goodbye."

Steelie kissed his knuckles and punched him in the jaw; he fell onto the ground.

"Goodbye."

Serena came running over.

"Steelie."

"Good Job Bucket Head, you did us proud, kid." She tried not to step on Don Karnage.

"Thanks Babycakes."

"Well he deserved it with all those mean things he said about you."

"Boy you Bandar-logs got glass jaws. Out in one punch."

"He was no match for you.

"I was going to save this until tomorrow night but, what the hey."

Steelbeak pushed a button.

"What is it?"

"A very special new years surprise."

"Now I guess it’s a new years eve eve surprise."

The floor of the office building rose. Darkwing caught his balance, and gas gunned to the neighboring roof just in time, with Launchpad. Don Karnage got his tail trapped in the gear

Draqonelle flapped her giant wings

"Houchies."

She flew him out of the mess. "Cry baby."

The Dome covered the entire office building’s roof.

"Steelie, what is this. You’re going to run out of air."

"Not a problem. The new FOWL geodesic dome not only has a forty year supply, but contains a recycling system."

"Wow."

"We are trying it out for Y2K test drills. But get this we are in a vacuum. No echo, no noise. Just us."

"Yippee." She rolled her eyes sarcastically.

"Hmm. Well I can’t say this is really much fun. But we have to test the quality of the vacuum." he called into his watch "Gravity 0.6, Charlie"

All at once everything became lighter. "0.8" he intoned. They began to float. "0.9"

They were floating in the air.

"What is this?"

"I just want to show you how you make me feel everyday."

"We are flying."

"Hey watch this." He adjusted his watch and began swimming through the air, floating.

"Wow."

With all her strength Serena easily soared and did a big loop.

"This is amazing." She said hugging him.

"Not as amazing as you." Steelbeak cooed. "Happy New Years Serena."

"Oh my little Steelie cheepie." Serena floated over to him. She grabbed onto him for support. She buried her head in his chest."

"That’s right poochie." He kissed the top of her head

"Wow. You got all this done for me."

"I’d give you your every wish. Even to fly, even to-"

He pushed a remote control.

A jazz orchestra swelled "To Dance in the Stars."

"All right Charlie 0.85."

"Care to dance." Steelbeak lifted out his hand.

"But remember last time I stepped on your…"

Steelie laughed.

Serena realized her error.

"I’d thought you’d never ask."

Tony Bennet crooned

Forever and a day

The sound echoed through the neighborhood. Inexplicably everyone felt the urge to dance. Draq grabbed onto Launchpad

"You want to go get some really good dessert after this."

"Hey I don’t got anything better to do."

"I just love your little beak."

Karnage was pounding on the glass

"You filthy disgusterating rooster I will kill you for touching my sobrina. Hey why aren’t you listening to me? Listen to me."

Steelbeak took a look outside to the scene.

"And it’s sound proof." He dipped Serena.

"Hey I’m not done with you. You know there are a thousand chicken dishes, I in tend to try every one of them once you get out here you nasty smelly, repugnant awful…" He banged his head against the glass.

"Give it a rest Karnie. The kids are in love." Draq spun by back into Launchpad’s arms."

On the ship Will and Gingko were dancing until. Mid dip Gingko Biloba snapped out of her daze."

"What are we doing?" She smacked Will aside. "The Odious one is down there. We have a ship to sell. Let’s get him. Fire at will."

Will ducked behind a chair as a million bullets ricocheted all over the place.

"I thought you liked me."

"Sorry Will, I mean fire at Steelbeak."

Serena and Steelbeak were dancing in the stars. Then all of a sudden

Bam Boom.

Serena looked at him "Steelie! You got fireworks just for me."

"Yeah babe" he supposed he should take credit. After it was my idea to make it missile proof glass "Of course, only the best for Rena."

"Wow." She placed her head on his shoulder.

Between the ducking and the watching the skies for bullets and flying flaming debris. The neighborhood was still ringing with the sounds of Tony Bennet.

Darkwing and Karnage looked at each other. Before Karnage could say another word.

"I’m… calling Morgana." He said walking away really fast.

Draqonelle sighed "Wow. At least this night wasn’t a total lost. I scored me a bimbo."

"Aw gees. Drakky" Launchpad blushed.

"Don’t call me that." Her eyes flamed.

"You horrible rooster you will not live to-"

Serena nodded "Are we going to have my uncle out there watching all night by himself, all alone on New Years Eve?"

"You’re right" Steelbeak sighed. Steelbeak swam over to his side of the glass.

"This is your uncla, Serena. Let me in. Let me in. What are you-? Please stop that what are you doing. Oh no, don’t to be kissing him yuck yuck. Eww."

Steelbeak pointed to his ears. Serena smiled and waved, and winked at her uncle as the domes cover started to rise up. He took one last look at them kissing before the dome covered over.

Disclaimer

If you steal this fic for profit, I will hunt you down and pluck out all of your featherings and hang you by your pinkies, otherwise enjoy

Steelbeak, Darkwing, Launchpad, FOWL, belong to Disney

As do Don Karnage, the Air Pirates, Dumptruck, Maddog, Iron Vulture and Baloo Bear

Serena Hikariwa belongs to Christina Smith.

Draqonelle, Gingko Biloba/Annie Pedicure, Will the Pirate are my original creations

The Marco Pollo is run by AeroAvain and Katellah

The names Double N Tondera and Derek Coxcombe come from my squish the Lauderdale.

Thank you.