The List

Gosalyn had just gotten out of Health class when it all happened. She saw Honker talking with some of the boys, they were giggling. It was probably something stupid, like the newest Berthold and Barry comic.

They shut up the second Gosalyn came by and ran away, except for Honker. Who was frozen in place, like one of Morgana’s pet gorgon’s froze him in place.

"Hey Honk."

He nodded. Smiling, trying to hide.

"What’s on that paper?"

"Nothing."

"Come on you were reading something. Is it that new Berthold and Barry comic."

"No, it’s not a list of anything."

"A list. Why would you have a list?"

"No I can’t show it to you."

"Come on Honker."

"I can’t." He had gotten a lot better at playing Keep away after years of practice with Gosalyn. So she sighed and pinched him.

"Ow. No fair."

She shrugged. "Go away or I’ll give you a purple nurple."

He handed her an e-mail.

She read the list

Hottest girls in School

By Will Gander

"1- Alisandra Longbill is the hottest girl in school because she wears a C cup and has long legs. She isn’t really nice though. She is such a prude. She spends too much time on her hair. She is like so pretty she doesn’t need it. (another pen cut in bright red, the voice sounded like Patrick) I wish she would join the lacrosse team, so then she’d have to wear a tight short skirt. But she doesn’t like to get sweaty.

"2 (crossed out a few times is) Genie Trunchoen, now everyone is wondering why I (Will) put Genie on the list. She doesn’t have a pretty bill or anything. Well because Patrick and I saw her at the pool party. We thought it was a model but then when she put on her glasses it was Genie. We were really surprised. She looks really good in a bikini. (surrounded by a million exclamation parts for emphasis.) So me and Patrick put her on our list. She has the coolest glasses. She is really cool and funny, and she knows everything about movies. In Patrick’s red pen "I wish she would wear a bikini to school everyday, like even in Winter. She has a really cute stomach. She should get a belly button ring." Another pen that was blue. "I think Genie is better than Alisandra. I couldn’t stand being around Alisandra all day. I agree Genie is definitely the coolest girl in school. Even if Kate is prettier."

The other second hottest girl in school is Kate DeVixenmeyer, because she is much prettier than Alisandra, but she is even meaner than Gosalyn. Kate thinks she knows everthing, and is like always answering the teachers. Besides her legs are really short.

"3 Gosalyn Mallard. She has red hair, and that’s really hot, and she has green eyes. But she doesn’t really count because she’d probably kick our butts if she even knew she was on the list. She has the cutest hair. (red pen) I wish she would like wear it down, because she always is wearing it up, and it is so pretty.

Since we know Gosalyn she is almost as cool as Genie, she is a lot funnier. But she has no sense of humor about stuff. Besides this is the list of the hottest girls in school, it doesn’t matter. She has great legs now that she has the braces off but she is flat chested. She doesn’t even wear a training bra yet. But if Genie weren’t around Gosalyn would be the coolest girl in school.

TWENTY OF US VOTED

Best Breasts: Alisandra Longbill 20 (there was either a check or a name)

Best Butt: Julie Molenta 20(an emphatic check)

Best Stomach: Genie Truncheon 18(a question mark)

Prettiest Face: Kate DeVixenmeyer 10 (Betty Badgersen)

Best Legs: Alisandra Longbill 15 (Gosalyn Mallard)

Best Hair: Gosalyn Mallard 18 (Big Question Mark. She looks like Sailorscout Loon , What about Chrissie or Alisandra?)

Best Eyes: Gosalyn Mallard 13(with crossed off) Rachel Lizardavitch 7 (Rachel, they are so brown, like pools of dark fire of insect night, like licorice or beetles.)

Best clothes: Harriet Laupine. 12 (a check)

Nicest: Alicia Jackswan. 20 (yeah)

Coolest: Genie Truncheon 16 (nothing)

Funniest: Gosalyn Mallard. 4(four checks and an exclamation point)

Bitchiest: Kate DeVixenmeyer 20 (YES! Me too!")

Winners: Genie 10 and Alisandra 10 (I couldn’t decide.)

Gosalyn balked. Honker was paralyzed with fear. She stared at him, in the tackled position. He eeped.

Gosalyn stood straight up.

"Please Gosalyn, don’t hit me your weren’t supposed to see it. It’s just something Will did. I didn’t do it."

"Oh right. I look like Sailorscout Loon." She kicked him. She withdrew.

Across the hall Will and Patrick looked at each other.

"Oh no. Honker squealled." Will panicked.

"It’s not my fault. It’s yours."

"Oh no she’s coming this way."

"Gos is going to kick your butt, Will."

Will panicked. "Me you’re the one who said she should wear her hair down. I didn’t say anything about that."

Gos stopped walking as she approached them. And glared at them

"It’s his fault. Gos, he made me vote."

"No way. He wanted to do it. I just…"

Gosalyn bit the bottom half of her bill as they got ready to get punched.

She punched the locker, and ran down the hall, crying.

Will and Patrick looked at each other.

She looked at herself in the mirror, and was repulsed. It was late at night.

Look at me. I’m all bony. She thought of Alisandra with her C cup bra in the locker room and seethed.

"Well what is that about."

She jutted out her chest.

"I’d probably loose brain cells if they were that big."

She laughed "Look at me, I’m Alisandra Longbill. Oh no, I’m sorry Gosalyn I can’t play in the mud. I’d get my new skirt dirty. But thank you anyway."

She gagged.

She did wonder how it would look.

She searched around for something. Kleenex, too soft. She’d need about three packages. Apples, too hard. How would she play football without crunching.

She wondered why she was worried about being discovered. It was just fun. I mean who cared.

But not apples. Oranges, oh yeah right. She groaned.

In the fridge there was nothing to speak of. Squid, old mashed potatoes, a big bowl of arugala. Launchpad must be planning a dinner for her birthday next week. She shuddered.

Now the squid would feel right, but she didn’t want a dead squid in her undershirt, yuck.

Mashed potatoes. She took out the zip lock bag. They were a little frozen. She mashed one into the appropriate shape. It was humungous. She split it in half. Two lumps. She snuck back into her room, with the mashed potatoes under her arm.

That would feel right.

Yeah. She tucked her undershirt into her pajamma bottoms. And stuffed the ziplock bag under her shirt. She squeezed them in the appropriate place. They were pretty old so they stayed in place pretty good.

She stared at them. She posed, sticking out her chest, lifting her arms above her head, turning around.

I don’t get it. I’m at least a C cup and I don’t feel any different. She sat down on her bed and sighed.

Just then she got a message from Honker over the walkie talkie.

"Gos are you okay? I’m sorry about what happened."

"Yeah yeah yeah."

"I’m coming over."

"Fine come over then." She shouted.

They had used the zip line between their houses for years. They were both getting too heavy for it. Honker crawled over on it slowly, as Gos got ready to pull him over. Like always.

Honker made it to the window sill. "We’re going to have to get that fixed. I think it’s breaking."

"Yeah."

Gosalyn straightened up.

Honker turned around and gulped. His eyes grew the size of basketballs.

"Gos?" he asked strangely.

"What, do I got a booger?" wiped her bill

"What did you-?"

"Oh yeah." Looks at her chest "I forgot."

Honker shook his head in disbelief.

"Well what do you think?"

Honker began a long series of "ah’s" and "ums," not his usual reticence, as if he was trying to figure out what he was going to say, instead of trying to avoid her.

"Well Honker come on."

"WOW!"

"What?"

"You look…Wow."

"You’re not serious." Gos looked at herself in the mirror. Her hair untied and scattered over her shoulders in long red mess. Her chest all crooked and lumpy. Her eyes were brighter, and she was taller. But wow? She looked like she was going to tip over.

"I look like a complete slob."

"You look…Wow." He sat up.

"Look at me." Gosalyn smacked him upside the head "In my eyes."

"Oh was I staring?"

"Staring at what. These." Pointing to her chest. "Oh for the love of-" She grabbed the ziplock bag and threw it at his head. He never could catch.

"Gross, Gosalyn." He threw them in the garbage can, not making it in.

"You’re the one staring at my potatoes. You people make me sick. They’re just mashed potatoes. You were staring at three day old mashed potatoes."

"I wasn’t staring. I was… um."

"Oh God Honker, don’t lie to me now. You’re not good at lying. You know you couldn’t lie to anyone."

Honker shut his bill.

"All right. Then yes I was staring. If I grew another arm you’d stare too."

"That’s not what I’m talking about. What is the deal and you guys with breasts? I mean they aren’t that special?"

She plunked her self on the floor.

Honker tried to think of something "Well in most of Freud and Jung’s theories it has to do with um… err the mammary glands and our mothers. Is it hot in here?"

"Open the window then." Gos said.

"The direct association the subconscious makes is that breasts are… really really great."

Gosalyn groaned.

"But I wasn’t just staring at your potatoes. You look different."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean your hair is longer than it used to be."

"Yeah well. Why should I have to cut it all the time?"

Honker sat next to her on the floor.

"Well, It’s not just like red. It’s like you know that red that Genie tried to die her hair once and it turned pink. I mean you know. It makes you look different."

"What?"

"I mean Patrick was right. It looks really good down."

"Here we go again. Back to that stupid list. You are so so… so stupid Honker."

"Stupid. I didn’t start it."

"But you didn’t have to vote."

"I was just being stupid then."

"I just said that. How come whenever I call you stupid, it’s just because I’m dumb and when you call yourself stupid it’s so right."

He broke her off continued.

"Gosalyn I have known you forever. You are my best friend. I don’t want anything to change between us. So lets just forget about the list okay."

"You just think you are so smart. You think hey, I’ll do something stupid and I’ll get away with it. Fat chance."

She turned away, and her voice became softer and lighter and more dangerous then it had ever been. Like a real girl.

"I’m not going to forget it."

"Well I guess everything does have to change."

Gos slumped down into her carpet, turning her face away.

"I guess so."

Honker stood up. Looking strangely pleased.

"I’ll just go downstairs."

"I thought you were going home." She didn’t even want to look at him.

"I don’t think I’ll be able to come over that way anymore, Gosalyn. I think we’re both too big for that."

"Too fat."

"Too old."

Gos stood up from her position, her lavender undershirt wrinkling as she moved. Bathed in the small white light of her fluorescent lamp. Like a strange purple blue haze rising out of the yellow and red chaos of her room’s various posters and comic books.

Her hair wasn’t even dyed red red anymore. It was all the myriad of scarlets and crimsons, and oranges, like the night itself was on fire. He sighed.

He headed out into the hall he remembered only between trips to the bathroom and the kitchen. Launchpad and Mr. Mallard were downstairs watching a monster movie. He never remembered coming down the stairs to leave this house. He had always slipped in and out, it had been their secret. Their bond. How was it going to work out?

"Goodbye Launchpad, Mr. Mallard."

Drake Mallard waved at him, hand in the popcorn eyes on the screen. Shushing the intruder.

Launchpad looked up. "How did he get in here?"

Drake shushed him.

Honker looked up at the strange house in the moonlight. How many times had he really truly left that place? It had always seemed like more a home to him than anything. He never really did remember a time when he felt the door was shut to him. Now this house sat like a ghost behind him. He headed the 30 or 40 feet to his house, very sure it was the longest journey of his life.

He heard a noise. And felt a dart hit him in the head. He turned around.

"Hey Honker. One more thing about the list."

"Don’t."

"Did you really say that whole bit about Rachel Lizardivitch?"

"Yeah."

"She’d love that…"

"You aren’t going to tell her."

"Oh I don’t know."

"Please Gos. If you don’t I’ll do anything."

"Tell me who you voted for as the coolest girl in the school."

"What? That’s a secret?"

"Come on Honker. I’m sure she’d just melt in your arms if she heard you talking about her eyes like the dark fire of insect night."

"No. I can’t."

"Who do you think is the coolest girl in school?"

Gosalyn, her red hair draped in moonlight, like a pale goddess, dipping one of her fingers below her window sill like she was stirring a potion to make the world come into being. He was in her inescapable power, a drone to her every whim.

He had to tell her, he closed his eyes.

"Rachel."

She pulled her hand in from the window. As if it was too cold all of a sudden.

"Rachel?"

"Yeah."

"Oh. Well…" She twisted her hands "She seems nice."

"She is nice. She is so cool. I mean she looks so nice with her hair all brunnette in-"

"Okay then." Gosalyn cut him off. They took a long look at each other.

"I’ll see ya tomorrow Honker." She stuck her head out the window and pulled it back in, a flurry of the gorgeous hair and flashing eyes. Then the window shut.

Honker went home.