CLOWNS
Dave, I really hope you can help as I'm in terrible trouble. My husband's work sends him away frequently & on one of these occasions I was feeling lonely & so Iwent to the circus. To cut a long story short, I ended up having sex with one of the clowns & now I'm pregnant. I know the baby isn't my husband's & surely he too will guess when the baby comes out with green hair, bright red nose & giant feet. Whatever should I do? Burns
Dave says: Burns... well you can try to hide the fact, when you husband is asleep make sure you apply clown make up gradually over the course of a week and change all his footware to big shoes, this should make him realise he is becoming more clownlike.. In fact he may wonder if he too has caught the dispicable clownitis which has been ravaging Britain for the last two years. I hope this has been of some help.
CALLOUSES
Is there anyway to keep from getting hand callases? The vicks vapor rubs not helping? Signed, rough palms
Dave says: Well well.... for getting rid of callouses there is only one treatment, make sure before sex with either yourself or someone else, pour a mixture of napalm and tabasco sauce on these callouses, this should make sure that the area of the body in question is less rough.