Jokes
Jokes brighten everyones day and I want to brighten yours so read these jokes and if you have any please enter them in my guestbook so I can post them for others to enjoy.
You Might Be In A Redneck Hotel
You know you're in a redneck hotel when you phone the front office and say, "I've got a leak in the sink."
And they say, "Go ahead!"
Dinnertime Poots!
A women goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!"
The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Ginger!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dad gomit Ginger, get away from her before craps all over you!"
The Teacher
The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks,
"What's this?"
"A horsey," one child answers.
"And this?" the teacher asks.
"A piggy," replies another youngster.
"And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers.
There was no answer, only total silence.
"Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint.
What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"
"I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl.
"It's a horny bastard!"
The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
What Is Success?
What is Success? It Depends...
Most of us understand that our self worth and feelings of achievement change as we go through life. While everyone has different aspirations, it appears we all have some common benchmarks for what success is. Really it all depends on your age - consider the following:
At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants
At age 18, success is "gettin' a little"
At age 25, success is graduation and a wedding
At age 35, success is about career and family
At age 55, success is about graduations and weddings
At age 65, success is "gettin' a little"
At age 90, success is not peeing in your pants
Bravery
What's the definition of bravery?
A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
Punctuation Is Everything!
An English professor wrote the words, "a woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
No Cereal
A 7-year-old boy and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7 year old says, "When we go down stairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say "Hell" and you say "ass." The 4-year-old happily agrees. As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their Mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7 year old replies, "Ah hell, mom, I'll just have some Cheerios." "WHACK!" The surprised mother reacts quickly. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner voice, the mother then asks the younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"...
"I don't know," the 4 year old blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it's not gonna be Cheerios."...
Bullets
A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong" asks the mother. "I was having a pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was having a pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a pee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."