I'm the Queen of Crushes. Are you tall? Are you a cop? Are you black? Are you actually gay? Or do you kinda look like a monkey? Then I have a crush on you. A pretty major one.

Of course, like all teenage girls my age, my biggest crushes are on Backstreet Boys. I've never really grown out of the stage where you just really wanna hold hands with your TV crush. He may not really exist, but I know I'm going to be up all night wishing that Logan Echolls was my boyfriend. (Don't worry - I'll only let him get to Second base.)

Real crushes are pretty good too, although they're not as satisfying, insofar as I don't have complete control over our dialogue. Sometimes you like to say stuff that I didn't see coming. I don't like having to think on my toes (I prefer to lie in bed and make out with my hand).

The problem with real crushes is that they disappoint. Either I pine my entire life over someone like Marcel, or I like someone who likes me back. Danger! Danger! Danger! I don't really like you so much anymore. Suddenly you're too old, too loser-y, too married.

Of course, not being able to get past the second "date" might put a crimp in my plans to find a husband, but I'm sure I'll work out my issues relatively soon, right? I mean, how long can a girl date an imaginary person? Ten years? Eventually I'll realize that I can like real people, I'm sure.

For now, I'll probably turn on you pretty quickly, but that's only because I have Logan at home, ready to say the sweet things I told him to. I know - I'm sure if we actually ever met, I'd tire of him quickly as well. But I guess that's the beauty of fictional crushes - they can be the perfect guy, because they never have to be themselves.