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Actual
Doctors' Notes On Patient's Charts:
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared
completely.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states
she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in
1993.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but
forgetful
.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant
with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch
.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might
like to work her up.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry
.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive
.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took
a job as a stockbroker instead.
Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should
sit on the abdomen and I agree.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
Things
to do on an Elevator
1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap
them on theshoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile,
and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push
the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if
they know what floor you're on.
5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend.
After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg.
How's your day been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick
it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone
gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to
play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask
them if they hear something ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's
okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.
18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering"Shut
up,all of you, just shut up!"
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall, without getting off.
21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce
in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back
away slowly.
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and
then announce, "I have new socks on."
26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce
to the the passengers, "This is my personal space!"
A
new two year degree is being offered at Life University... Becoming
a Real Man!
That's right, in just six terms, you too can be a real man. Please
take a moment to look over the program outline:
FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule
MEN 101...Combating Stupidity
MEN 102...You too can do housework
MEN 103...PMS - Learn when to keep your mouth shut
MEN 104...We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas
Winter Schedule
MEN 110...Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111...Understanding the female responses to getting in at 4
a.m.
MEN 112...Parenting: It doesn't end with conception
MEN 113...Get a life, learn to cook
Spring Schedule
MEN 120...How NOT to act like an asshole when you're wrong
MEN 121...Understanding your incompetence
MEN 122...You, the weaker sex
MEN 123...Reasons to give flowers
SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule
SEX 101...You CAN fall asleep without it
SEX 102...Morning Dilemma: If it's awake, take a shower
MEN 201...How to stay awake after sex
MEN 202...How to put the toilet seat down
Winter Schedule
MEN 210...The remote control: Overcoming your dependencies
MEN 211...How NOT to act younger that your children
MEN 212...You too can be a designated driver
MEN 213...Honest - You don't look like Russel Wong - Especially
naked
Spring Schedule
MEN 220...Omitting @#%!+ from your vocabulary
MEN 221...Fluffing the blanket after farting in not necessary
MEN 222...Real men ask for directions
MEN 223...Thirty minutes of begging is not considered foreplay
Real
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1 Man, 7 Women hot tub -- $850/offer
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Snow blower for sale.
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2 Wire mesh butchering gloves:
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Tickle Me Elmo, Still in Box,
Comes with its own
1988 Mustang, 5L, Auto
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Like New! Slight urine smell.
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With Purchase of 3 BR / 2 BTH Home
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Hardly used. Call Chubbie.
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Bill's Septic Cleaning
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HUMMELS
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Georgia Peaches
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Slightly Stained
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Must Sell Washer & Dryer - $300
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Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty.
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for an Affair to Remember
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Gas Cloud Clears out Taco Bell
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Body Shapers Toning Salon
Free Coffee & Donuts
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Kellogg's Pot Tarts - $1.99/box.
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Fully Cooked Boneless Smoked Mann $2.09/lb.
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FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
45 volumes - Excellent condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.
3A.
ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO
KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING
QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR
ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU
AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.
I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks,
making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate
ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I
manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days
in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can
pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco,
a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious
army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I
am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build
large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding.
On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free
of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening
wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan
mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes.
Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force
demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned
me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.
I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one
day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.
I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket.
I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep
once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation
in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists
who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply
to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.
On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it
down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli
and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights
in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling
bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart
surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
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