Elizabeth gave just a brief statement to the police before they took Uncle Joe away. It was obvious that she was distraught so they agreed to let her make a full statement the next day at the police station. Audrey had decided to go with Uncle Joe to the police station. Though she was appalled by what he had done to Elizabeth, he was family and he was sick, and she intended to make sure he got the help he needed. She had been reluctant to leave Elizabeth, but Lucky had assured her he would stay with her and convinced her that she would be all right.
Elizabeth watched as they took him away, her expression bleak, her eyes vacant. Lucky put his arm around her and led her to the couch where she sat down and drew her knees up to her chest. Lucky took an afghan from the back of the couch and covered her with it. "I'm going to go get you some hot tea, okay?" She nodded, not even looking at him.
A few minutes later he returned with the tea and handed it to her. "Here, this will help warm you up. You're still shivering." She took the tea from him and wrapped her hands around the mug, but she didn't drink any of it. "Do you want to talk about it, Elizabeth? Or do you want me to call Kevin? He would come over here if you need him."
She finally looked at him and shook her head. "No. I can see him tomorrow. It's so late now, I wouldn't want to wake him up." She waited a few minutes before speaking again. "Lucky, how did you know?"
"I don't know. I was in bed trying to sleep and I had an uneasy feeling about you. I had a feeling you were in danger, and I knew I had to come over here. But, Elizabeth, you took care of him without my help. I don't think you give yourself enough credit for how strong you are."
"It doesn't feel that way to me. It just feels unfinished."
"But he can't hurt you anymore, at least not physically."
She looked away from him, staring out the window into the night. When she finally turned back to him there were tears welling in her eyes. "There's something I have to tell you, Lucky. It's worse than everything else I've told you."
"Elizabeth there is nothing worse than what he did to you. And I've told you before, nothing you tell me could ever change how I feel about you."
She took a deep breath. "It's easy for you to say that now. But I have to tell you this. If I don't say it now I never will."
Lucky watched as she recoiled further within herself and turned away from him as she began speaking again. He got up from the couch and walked behind it, thinking that if he weren't looking at her it would make it easier for her.
"I was five years old when Uncle Joe started...when he started abusing me. At first I remember being so confused. No one had ever touched me like that before and I didn't know if it was right or wrong. I don't think I really knew for a long time. For the first few years all he did was touch me. He always kept his clothes on, but I could see him touching himself through his clothes. I always tried to look away, but he made me watch. He told me he would hurt me if I didn't watch him. It wasn't until I was eight or nine that things changed. That was when he would come in my room and pull up my nightgown and touch me with one hand and touch himself, you know really touch himself, with the other." She looked back at Lucky briefly. "Do you know how much I hated that? How dirty it made me feel? I remember laying in the dark and praying for morning to come soon so I could take the hottest bath I could stand and scrub the smell of him off me, so I could feel clean again. But no matter what I did, I never really felt clean, and I always imagined that I could still smell him on me, and that other people could, too."
Lucky stood behind her, his lips pressed together to keep from crying out to her, tears spilling down his face. His heart broke for her, for her having to tell him this, but he knew if she was ever going to heal, she had to get it out. He wanted to go to her, to take her in his arms and hold her, to tell her he would make everything all right again. But he knew he couldn't, that he had to wait for her to let him know when, and if, it was okay to go to her. And so he continued to listen, knowing what it was costing her to have to relive the horrible events of her childhood.
She looked to Lucky again and said, "Can you come and sit by me? The rest of this is the worst part, and I need to look at you one last time before I tell you." Lucky nodded and sat beside her on the couch, not close enough so they were touching, but close enough that he could reach for her if she needed him. "I need to see the compassion in your eyes, Lucky, I need to see the way you look at me. You looked at me that way that first night on the docks. It made me feel safe and has continued to make me feel safe. I'll savor that memory Lucky, because I know this is the last time I'll see that look in your eyes."
He didn't know how to reassure her, her mind seemed to be made up. He would just have to wait, to hear her out and then reassure her. She looked at him for a long time, searching his eyes, savoring him for as long as she could.
Finally she spoke again. "I have to tell you all of it, otherwise my life will continue to be one big lie. And I don't want to live that lie another minute, even if it means being alone again, if it means being without you. Lucky, he never...he never was inside me. I guess that's the one thing, if there is such a thing, that I can be grateful for. He never violated me in that way. But the things he did were just as bad. He always made me watch, and he put his hands inside me and I hated it. Most of the time I hated it, I mean I always hated what he was doing, but Lucky, sometimes....."
Her voice caught in her throat and she covered her face with her hands. "Oh, God, Lucky, it's just too horrible, I don't know if I can even say the words..."
Lucky put his hands on her arms, feeling her trembling. His face and his eyes were so full of tenderness. "Elizabeth, I promise it will be okay. Nothing you tell me could be so horrible that it would make me go away. Please believe me."
She looked down at her hands, then finally looked into Lucky's eyes and gave a voice to the horrible, secret shame she had carried with her since she was a child. Her voice was barely a whisper and the tears streamed down her face as she told him. "Lucky, sometimes it felt...it felt good....oh God, I'm so ashamed." She began to sob uncontrollably, and to her amazement, she felt Lucky move closer to her and gather her in his arms. He made her look at him as he pushed her hair back from her face, wiped away her tears, his eyes never leaving hers. He was crying, too.
"That's it isn't it? That's the thing that has kept you from feeling like you deserve to lead a full and happy life. Not the abuse, because you know that wasn't your fault. You do know that much don't you?"
She nodded, still sobbing. "Lucky, you must hate me." But as she looked in his eyes, she didn't see hate. In fact, his expression hadn't changed. He still looked at her the same way, the way that made her feel safe.
He put his hands on the sides of her face. "Elizabeth, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Do you understand me? Nothing. You know those feelings you had, well, why wouldn't you have them? That was all part of his sickness. That was the way he was able to have so much power over you. He knew it would feel good sometimes, and he used that against you."
"How...how do you know that, Lucky?"
"I needed to know what you had been through. I needed to know how to help you. I talked to Kevin and he gave me some books to read. That's where I learned that. That men who do this to children know they have a great deal of power over them and they know just what to do to keep that power. Listen to me, what he did to you and how it made you feel sometimes was not your fault. You were just a little girl. You have to let go of that shame, Elizabeth."
She was crying even harder now.
"Is that why you ran away from me that night I kissed you? Because you had those feelings and they scared you. You were scared to face them again."
She nodded. "I was so sure you would hate me if you knew, that you would leave me."
"Do you want to know why I'll never leave you?" She nodded as he said, "Because I love you. I love you, Elizabeth. I've loved you for a long time, since long before we really knew each other. And I'll love you for a long time to come."
To Be Continued...