Elizabeth
I stumbled a little as my ankle began to give and I fell against the car when I reached it. I leaned there, panting for only a second before I wrenched open the door and threw myself across the seat. A moment later I heard Lucky's voice from the open doorway.
"It's okay Elizabeth. You don't have to go in there if you don't want to. I told you before you don't have to stay here. I'll take you wherever you want to go."
I sat up and wiped my eyes. "Just take me away from here Lucky. I don't want to be here right now." I looked up and saw Gram standing behind him, her forehead creased with worry.
"Just tell me where you want to go. I can take you to my mom's house. Is that okay?" He turned to Gram. "Mrs. Hardy, is that okay?"
"Yes Lucky. Whatever Elizabeth wants."
They both looked at me then. I opened my mouth to say something, then snapped it shut and only nodded.
"Okay, I'll drive you there," Gram said. "Elizabeth, I've got to go back to the hospital after that, but I'll bring you your things tonight. Is that okay?"
"Yes."
I didn't care really, I just wanted to go. Lucky slipped in the car beside me and closed the door, reaching for my hand. I let him take it but I didn't respond, only let it lie limply in his. How sick of me he must have been getting. How sick I was getting of myself.
When Laura agreed to let me stay at her house, she set me up in Lucky's old room right away. No one seemed to mind that Lucky made a little pallet for himself on the floor without even asking. But I didn't tell him that it wasn't really helping this time, that I would lie awake every night afraid to go to sleep, afraid of having the dream. Afraid that I would wake up and find Tom hovering over me again. It was hard to pretend to act normal around Lucky and I always found myself wondering: how much more of me would he put up with? Could I possibly drag him down any further? How much happier would he be without me? As the week wore on I felt myself becoming more and more rundown, and I was dreading having to go back to school again. I couldn't do it, I didn't want to do it. I just wanted to stay in my bed, curled in a ball under the covers where no one could see me or talk to me. Not even Lucky.
I was back in the woods again, just like I knew I'd be. We hadn't escaped, we hadn't been rescued. THAT was the real dream. The reality was we were still in the woods, and Tom had just found us. I was standing there watching him hold the gun to Lucky's head, but this time I couldn't move. I wanted to, but it was like hands were holding my feet fast to the ground and there was nothing I could do. I opened my mouth to scream, but there was no sound anywhere in the entire forest. All was silent, as if we were in a vacuum of some kind, or our heads were wrapped in cotton. Lucky Lucky Lucky! I screamed inside my head, but no one heard me. Lucky Lucky Lucky!!! I saw Tom's flashing evil grin, the flat black eyes, and the gun. Suddenly all I could see was the gun growing larger and larger and larger. And then there was a sound, a huge bang so loud that it seemed to shatter everything around it, filling my head until I could almost see it. I squeezed my eyes shut and something hit my face, something warm and sticky, and when I opened my eyes again all I could see was Lucky's face broken in half, only one of his beautiful blue eyes looking at me, a single tear running slowly down what was left of his cheek...
Someone was holding me, folding me into a deep pocket of warmth. I pushed against it, too afraid to open my eyes, but then I heard the voice I knew so well, soft and quiet and sleepy in my ear.
"It was just a dream, Elizabeth. Just a bad dream."
"Lucky!" I wrapped my arms around his neck and crushed him against me, so relieved that I began to sob quietly. Lucky. He was here, he was real and warm and solid. Alive.
He did nothing but stroke my hair for a long moment as I cried, too exhausted to try and hide anything from him right now. Besides, he knew already, and he'd known the entire time. What had made me foolish enough to think I could hide anything from him?
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked after awhile.
I shook my head; the last thing I wanted him to know was the kind of visions my subconscious had been sending me of him.
"Okay. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I just thought it might make you feel better to talk about it."
"I just want you to hold me. Stay here with me."
"I'm not going anywhere. I'll be right over there on the floor. But I'll stay right here for as long as you want."
"I don't want you to be on the floor. I want you to be with me. I want to know you're here."
"Okay okay. Whatever you want, sweetie. I'll be right here."
I pulled him as close to me as I could and pressed myself against him, closing my eyes as I felt his arms slip around my waist. We were silent, just listening to each other breathing, or at least I was listening to him. I could feel his chest gently rising and falling against my own, and how his warmth seemed to flow over me like a comforting blanket. Lucky, the love of my life, the one I wanted to be with forever. My mind turned gradually to our trip to New York and how we had been on the verge of making love. And when Tom had me and I had thought I would never even see him again, much less touch him or hold him or make love to him someday. Someday. Maybe someday was too long. How many times now had I almost lost Lucky? Several...Tom could have killed either one of us at any given moment. And he almost had. I'd almost stood there and watched Lucky's life get torn away from him right in front of me. Could I risk something like that ever happening again? It didn't even have to be that big....something else could happen...a car wreck or something. If I lost Lucky for real next time...I would never forgive myself for letting him go without showing him just how much he meant to me.
"Lucky?" I whispered tentatively, not even sure if he was awake anymore.
"Mmm hmm?"
I moved away from him slowly, sitting up and looking at his face in the semi-darkness. Then I did it before I could stop myself; I pulled my shirt over my head and dropped it beside me and faced him, completely exposed.
He sat up with a start and tried to pull the sheet up to cover me. "Elizabeth? What are you doing?" His voice cracked a little in perplexity.
I tore the sheet away from him, even though my cheeks were warm. "I want you to look at me, Lucky. I want you to touch me." My hand was trembling a little as I reached for his and placed it gently on the flesh above my right breast. I had never been touched there gently before, and I tried to fight the shyness I felt creeping up on me.
"Are you sure this is what you want?" Lucky said with a gulp, and I noticed that his eyes remained fixed on my face and nowhere else, nor did his fingers even twitch once. He kept them as still as if they had been made of wood.
"Don't you?"
He swallowed again. "You know I do. But are you sure it's what you want right now? Don't you think we should talk about it? I don't want either of us to do something we'll regret later."
I fought the desire to fling his hand back at him in frustration as tears began to burn behind my eyes. How could he think that making love would be something we would regret? "You always say things like that, Lucky. I don't want you to anymore. I want to be with you."
"Elizabeth, I just don't think this is the right time. You're really upset right now from the dream you had. And you're not completely well yet."
Excuses. There were always excuses. "Shutup Lucky." I did throw his hand back at him now. I felt as though he had smacked me, so sharp was the sting of humiliation I felt right then. I reached for my shirt and yanked it over my head, nearly falling from the bed in my haste to get away from him.
He jumped off the bed and grabbed me by the shoulders, holding me so that I could look at him. "Elizabeth, please. Tell me what I can do. I just can't make love to you right now when I would feel like I was taking advantage of you, even though you think it's what you want." I glared at him. "I love you, and there is nothing I want more than to make love to you. But don't you see, it just can't happen right now? We would both regret it."
"You always say that," I said through gritted teeth, and pushed him away from me.
He sighed. "I don't mean to, Elizabeth. I really don't. I'm just trying to tell you how I feel."
I glanced at him for just a moment then went over to my bag and began stuffing clothes into it.
"What are you doing?"
I didn't answer him. I dropped something on the floor, but it was only a white blur because I couldn't see through my tears. He picked it up and handed to me. I took it from him and stuffed it into the bag, then zipped it up, slung it over my shoulder, and headed for the door.
"Where are you going? Elizabeth, please just stop and think for a moment." He sounded exasperated.
I slammed out of his room, not even thinking about Laura or Lulu asleep down the hall. I ran down the stairs and stopped for a minute at the bottom, remembering another time I had come down these same stairs with nothing but fear and sickness in my heart. I felt those things now, but they were different. Fear that I might have ruined everything with Lucky; sickness because I knew that things would be better for him if I had. He didn't need a mess like me. I would never do anything but drag him down into my own private hell any chance I got. I released a heavy breath and started forward when I heard Lucky behind me.
"Tell me where you're going. Do you want me to take you home?"
I straightened by back and kept it to him, afraid to look at him. "No."
"Do you want me to come with you?"
"No." I made my voice harsh, cold. I made my mouth form words I would rather die than say to him. "Just leave me alone Lucky. Go back upstairs and go back to bed by yourself."
"Let me go with you. I don't want you to be alone."
"Maybe I want to be alone now. You're not my father. I don't need you." I moved forward and opened the front door.
"Elizabeth--"
The night outside was cool, a gentle breeze stirring the leaves on the trees. A full moon, stars...but I barely saw anything as I ran, my heart and my mind broken into a million little pieces.