This section addresses the nature/nurture controversy reagrding how we all ended up doing what we do. My own position is strongly on the biological determinism side but I know there are many who think differently...
Dear John,
I too like you wonder why am I a tv. I don't know or really have an answer to the question. I do know one thing and that is that whenever I am dressed up in womens clothes and wearing make up it makes me feel real good deep inside myself and the feeling is overwhelming.
My earliest memories began at about age 5 with my mothers help. Even at this early age I always seemed to have and was attracted to my mothers lipstick. She would put her lipstick on my lips whenever I ask her to do so. It was kinda our mother son game in private. One day when I was about 7 just for the fun of it my mother took me to her bedroom put her red lipstick on my lips as I had requested then removed a bra and panties from her dresser drawer and put them on me. She said she just wanted to see what they would look like on me! Little did she know how I felt when she put them on me. It was heavenly and the beginning of my transvestite life.
As I became older 10/11 mom did not approve of my repeated request to wear lipstick bras panties stockngs etc and told me that I should be the boy I was born to be. So this is when I had to start sneaking around on her and would dress and make myself up hoping not to get caught. Well she did catch me and after several sightings decided that the wearing of female clothes and make up was a part of me she just could not contol so even though she did not participate she never mentioned it and kinda let me do what I had to do in the privacy of my bedroom.
The feeling is heavenly the urge uncontrollable and the answer unknown.
Regards,
Katie.
I have, today, come across your website and have read your essays on your experiences. May I congratulate you on the honest and lucid construction. I found them informative and thought provoking.
My own experiences have some similarities with your own and with others who have been in contact with you. To be able to peruse such information is a most useful tool to people like myself who have been confused about their transvestism.
I think we must get away from trying to find some universal theory concerning the condition, and I think condition is a more dynamic label than freak. I also believe it is possible to fully reconcile ourselves to this condition in order to control it and, in some cases, eradicate it from our psyche.
We are all individuals and I believe that our place on the continuum between the archtypal hetro male and the post-op transexual is based on influencing factors in our childhood and, more importantly, our adolescence.
It is in adolescence when we begin to experience sensuality and begin to form attractions to the opposite sex. What do we see in more mature females? We see figure, we experience deep fascination with the shape of the breast and we see materials which are shiny and smooth. In the "Silence of the lambs" Hannibal Lectar pointed out to Clarice Starling that "Buffalo Bill" covets, and we covet those things we see every day.
That is a powerful, and I believe, self-evident truth. Even more so to a young man going through the throes of puberty when he spends a great deal of his time being confused.
What if we never fully come to terms with these images? What if we felt the need to repress our imaginings at such a delicate time? They don't go away but come out at a later date and if we still cannot reconcile them they grow in strength.
You mentioned that it was difficult to look into such areas of the self but if we want to come to a peaceful reconcilliation with ourselves then this we must do.
What were your first stirrings of becoming sexually alive and, more importantly, what were the images that had such a powerful effect on you?
'Toxoph'
The background on this page features Gwendy. You can see Gwendy's website here.
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