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Fuck....look at that picture. I dont know about you, but it scares the shit out of me. For as long as I can remember, i've been afraid of clowns. Any kind of clowns. Smiley clowns, sad clowns, mimes, clowns on the sidewalk, but especially circus clowns. This ranting article is gonna be about clowns, and how fucked up they are. I remember as a child watching an old horror movie, the name and plot of which escapes me. All I can clearly remember from that film is the main villain. This guy had these huge teeth. Just really big-ass teeth. Not natural teeth, like the actor playing the part was a freak or anything. The character was made up to have these scarilly big teeth. This scared me half to death. I must have been about 6 or 7 when I saw it, and I can still clearly remember that huge toothed bastard, looming over the bonnet of a car, looking through the windscreen. What does this have to do with clowns? Technically nothing, but due to some biological screw up in my brain I somehow associate this guy with clowns. Dont ask me why, or how, but this smiley creep is what I think of when I think of clowns. Maybe this says more about me than it does about clowns, but I like to think it's really because of the Universal creepiness that clowns exhibit that I would associate them with a terrifying childhood memory. Because let's face it, when it all boils down, clowns are some of the scariest mo'fos out there. A documentary I saw as a kid, dealing with clowns, explained why clowns have scary painted on smiles. I can't remember exactly, but I think it's because in the old days the clowns would have to work so hard that they'd naturally start getting tired and start frowning. How to combat this? Why, paint on huge scary fucking smiles which scare the shit out of me of course! I mean, that is just screwed up. "Hmmm, Bobo's looking a bit down. That's not the image we want to portray to the children. What to do, what to do...." Ponders the circus ring master. "I know! I'll hide his pain by making him smile all the time! Eureka!" That is some psychologically screwed up shit. Really, there's something wrong with that. Trying to put myself back inside my childhood psyche, I really dont think i'd want to be entertained at a birthday party by a manically depressed clown who's just going through the motions because if he doesn't he wont have a tent to sleep in that night. I think my fear of clowns has actually grown as i've gotten older. I watched a great 80's horror movie as a kid called "Killer Klowns from Outer Space". Back then, I loved it. But I get the feeling that if I watched it now, i'd probably have to hide my eyes in terror and shame. But the fact that this movie was even made is testament to the deep psychological terror that clowns make people feel. I mean, you dont see horror movies based around any other childhood entertainment figures. Well, apart from Santa and Jack Frost, but they're more kind of holiday themed psychos. More media related clown terror can be found in an episode of The Simpsons, when Homer builds young Bart a clown themed cot. Needless to say, it's the scariest looking cot ever, and gives resting place a new meaning. Understandably, Bart cant sleep in it. Another example is the mini series 'It', based on the book by Steven King. This a genuinely scary mini-series...well, it was for me anyway. The villain is Pennywise the Clown, played by Tim Curry. This seriously freaky looking clown is.....well, he's scary. Just take a look..

The most frightening thing ever

Tell me that picture doesn't touch the terror center deep inside you. The place that you reserve only for the most terrifyingly traumatic experiences. It sure as hell does for me. Even as I type, i've scrolled the page down so that I cant see the hideous visage of Pennywise the Clown. I envy those of you who it has no effect on. I wish I were as strong. As well as my early childhood experiences with the evil that are clowns, I've had some more recent ones. Most recently was whenever I used to go around to Erica's place. Erica's mother collects porcelain clowns. Now for me, this is equivalent to collecting disembodied heads (No offense to Erica's mother. She's one of the kindest, friendliest people i've met.) Erica herself had one of these clowns up in her room. She was aware of the terror that clowns ellicited in me, and would use this clown to scare me. I eventually had to get her to turn it around to face the wall. But I knew it was still there, planning something....something horrible. I'm going to end this article now, because all this thinking about clowns if weirding me out. I hope you've all learned something from reading it. If you haven't, the lesson is this: Clowns are the spawn of satan, and must me locked away for the benefit of all human kind. Is that really too much to ask? - Pete (Go to this page if you want to read up more on the evils of clowns: www.clownz.com )