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The Agony And The Ecstasy....Actually, Just The Agony The breath gets knocked out of you. All your nerves are alive with fire (especially the ones in your groin). You drop to the ground and curl up in a foetal ball, praying to whatever God or being you pray to to put you out of your misery. What could possibly do this to a man? What cruel twist of fate would cause a guy to be lowered to this pitiful position? Well, it's simple really. Go and kick a guy in the groin and you'll understand. Any male out there will know what i'm talking about. Getting hit in the groin is one of the most painful things a man can experience. Sure, it's probably got nothing on child birth, but it's at least the pain equivalent of it's poor cousin. What you are about to read is a breakdown of some of my experiences of being hit in the groin, because I honestly believe that i've had more than my fair share. I'm gonna put it into categories of school periods, starting with primary school and progressing in a logical time related fashion, which is the style of the time. On with the carnage.... Primary School - A Lesson in Pain I was the goalie in a friendly game of lunch time soccer. I spy a member of the opposing team coming charging towards my goal, dribbling the ball skilfully as she weaves between my feeble supporting players. "She's gonna shoot!" I think, but she doesn't. She just keeps charging closer and closer to my goal. Finally, when she's barely two metres away from the goal she brings her foot backwards and kicks the ball explosively at the goal. Of course, i'm valiantly standing my ground. "What's the worst that could happen?" I think. Maybe it'll hit my face, and that'd suck. I wish. The ball sailed directly into my groin. I dropped like a fat man diving on a Snickers bar. There I lay, curled up on the hard, unforgiving concrete. Everyone gathers around, looking at me curiously as I hold my lower stomach (This is something that some women might not realise. Although the initial pain is felt in our testicles, the pain immediately following that is felt in our lower abdomen.) I distinctly remember a girl asking a teacher who had come out to see what the ruckus was about "Why is he holding his stomach?". Ummm, because it really fucking hurts. That's why. High School - The School of Hard Knocks 1) It's Physical Education class, and we're in the gym playing, would you believe it, soccer. Zohra, a good friend of mine in Highschool, for some reason decides to throw a weird, semi-soft soccer ball at me. Of course, it hits me in the groin. Although it wasn't a real soccer ball, it still hurt. I didn't drop, but I was bent over for a while as Zohra got all flustered and called me a wuss. Let's see you act staunch after your testicles have been hit by a ball travelling at that speed. 2) It's 7th Form, and Tom, Jenny, Anna (I think) and myself are hanging around at school with Ms Walkey. We're waiting to head out to a graveyard to do some photography. The events leading both up to, and after, the groin incident are rather cloudy in my memory. All I remember is someone kicking a basketball (of all things) as I was posing for Tom to take a photo of me. What follows will go down in history as one of the greatest action shots ever caught on film. The basketball hits me in the groin, just as Tom takes the photo, and all the wondeful pain and agony are forever immortalised. Click here to see my pain and laugh at it. Post HighSchool, Pre Theatre Company - Dont Stop The Hurting In my lazy two years off between the end of HighSchool and the start of going to Theatre Company, I played alot of Indoor Soccer with a group of my friends. I really enjoyed it. It was physical, and exciting...and dangerous. The nasty incident happened with about 2 or 3 minutes left to go in a game. I was a good defender, so I was hanging back around the goal. One of the opposing players comes running forward with the ball. Suddenly, he loses it and it's in the air. Me, another member of my team, and the opposing player all run towards the descending ball. The enemy player takes a wild kick at the ball, but misses. Instead, he kicks me directly in the groin with all the force he can muster. Now, I can honestly say that this is the worst groin impact I've ever experienced. The pain was so intense, that I lost all control of my muscles. I dropped to the ground, and just lay there trying to breathe. I must have been on the ground for at least 4 or 5 minutes. Unfortunately, I couldn't leave the pitch because we didn't have any substitutes. I had to carry on till the end of the game, or our team would be disqualified. So, trying to grin and bear it, I stood up slowly and took my position in the back field. I was actually walking bow-legged, because my testicles were still throbbing with pain. I couldn't run, so I just hobbled around feebly. Luckily, my team did a good job of attacking so I didn't have to do much defending, and soon the game was over. We won, but the pain of our victory stayed with me for about 2 days... Hagley Theatre Company - Try Acting Your Way Out Of This Hagley was a relatively painless experience, groin wise. There was only one example that I can remember. It was early in 2001, and we were performing 'The Little Mermaid' around various primary schools. Before each show, we'd have to erect the set. I was helping Rosey lift a large section of the set, and through some sequence of events it swung towards me and hit me in the groin. Now, how the hell does one manage to get hit in the groin with a piece of set!? Rosey was rather embarassed, although to be honest it didn't really hurt too much. I played it for all it was worth though, just to be a wanker. The Aftermath - No Children For You Most likely. These have been only a few of the more interesting of my many painful groin experiences, so hopefully everything's still functioning properly. Then again, it might be better for the world if it wasn't. I guess time will tell. I'ma be more careful from now on...probably. Well, at least I learnt (the hard way) that soccer is evil. - Pete