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The History of The Baboon Butt With foreword by Sir David Attenborough. The first time I saw Peter's Baboon Butt, I was aghast. What was this young man trying to do? One doesn't just try to imitate one of the most furious creatures of the wild without first studying them for years, observing the smallest detail and noting down your observations. But here he was, down on all fours, without even attempting to study them, and he presumed that he could imitate this fine beast? Needless to say, I was most outraged. I left him to his delusions and tried to forget about the travesty that I had witnessed. About a year after that, while sitting down with a scone and cup of tea, I turned on my television and to my surprise there was Peter! He was lazing in the leafy fronds of the jungle, surrounded by at least 8 baboons. They didn't seem to be aggressive towards him at all. In fact, it seemed like they had totally accepted him into their baboon squad. But what I saw next shocked me so much, I almost spilled my tea. Peter rolled onto all fours, stretched his back out, and then struck a perfect baboon pose! His butt was thrust back proudly, his shoulders squared, and his back delicately hollowed. It was the most beautiful thing i'd ever seen. I'm not ashamed to say that I shed a tear at the sheer majesty of what I was witnessing. Compared to what I'd seen a year before, this pose was far superior. Perfect, infact. All the baboons gathered around him and started whooping. He was now truly one with the baboons. The following story is one of the most remarkable tales of hardship that I think you, or I, will every read. Take heed of it's lessons. For I truly believe that wherever your life takes you, and whatever path you follow, you can learn something about yourself from his wise words.                                                                                         Sir David Attenborough,                                                                                         Cornwall, 2001

Feel my baboon fury

Ummm....yeah. Thanks David. Anyway, on with the history of the Baboon Butt! I can clearly (i.e vaguely) remember the first time the Baboon Butt was exposed to the general public. It was about a third of the way through 2000, and I was talking to Rosie and Sarah M on the seats in the Theatre Company, and all of a sudden I just put my hands down on the seat back, knees on the actual seat, squared my shoulders and thrust my butt out. It wasn't quite the Baboon Butt that we know and love today, but it was definitely recognisable. It wasn't something that I had planned, or practiced, or even thought of in my wildest dreams. I just did it. It got big laughs, and i'm a whore for getting laughs. Thus began my wonderful journey.... Over the next few months, I refined my style. I tried to thrust my butt back further, square my shoulders more and curve my back to just the right degree. After not much practice (afterall, actually practicing something like this would probably get me arrested in some American states) I nailed it. It was perfect. Once I felt confident enough, I showcased it in the Buttercup Lounge at the Theatre Company to wild acclaim and rapturous applause....okay, maybe a couple of people laughed and looked away in horror but that was enough for me. Slowly the legend grew. I was careful not to overexpose the Baboon Butt. People heard rumours of it, and it wasn't long before I got my first request. You know you've hit the jackpot when people are actually requesting for you to walk around on all fours like a baboon. Needless to say, I happily obliged, to the joy of all. Over the next few months I would showcase my baboon butt on semi-regular occasions. I must say that I slowly began to grow bored with it. I needed a new angle, a new gimmick that would keep it fresh. I was currently performing in a play at the company called "Mutabilitie", in which I played an Elizabethan era actor. My costume included tight, vinyl pants. This was the perfect opportunity to try something new. After some consideration for the health and safety of others, I busted a phat Baboon Butt in the green room before a performance. Joel was right in the line of fire, and so bore the full blow of my new ultra-tight-pants Baboon Butt. I still dont think he's recovered. Over the intervening months, i've tried to keep it fresh. Afterall, any gimmick gets old without work to keep it new and exciting. I think that for the most part, I have succeeded. I still get the occasional request at parties and such, and being the whore that I am I usually oblige. I believe that it's my duty to keep the general public appeased, or the nation would fall into complete anarchy of biblical proportions.....probably. What's next for the Baboon Butt? Tighter pants? A suit of some kind? Perhaps the use of blue paint? Who knows. All I really know is that it's gonna be one hell of a ride! - I.R Baboon

I feel comfortable with who I am