Dan the Man, with His Flaming Ass of Destruction

The Adventures of My Dog Dan

Now, first a bit of backstory. Dan was a dog that our family got when I must have been about 8 or 9 years old. For some strange reason, I clearly remember the house we went to to check the dog out. The owners assured us, actually assured us, that this at the time medium sized puppy/dog would not grow any bigger. Ok we thought, yay! A nice dog to take home and love and nurture.

Upon arriving home, i'm not entirely sure but I think I came up with the name Dan. Very boring, I know. But I was just a snot nosed kid at the time. Me and Dan instantly developed a fine raport. I scratched his back, he jumped on mine and throrougly licked it. He was a wonderful wee dog. Oh did I say wee? Because over the space of the next few months he grew like a horse. I actually think he might have eaten entire horses while our backs were turned. Needless to say that after not long, he had turned into a dog of monumental proportions. Our family have since decided that he must have been a cross between a great dane and a clumsy elephant. So he probably got his clumsiness from his mother Elephant's side.
Because, ohhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah. This was one clumsy, stupid dog. And when I say stupid, I mean lolling tongued, dopey grin, glazed over eyes stupid.
An example of some of the stupid things he's done:

1) Jumping through a closed window just as our family were about to get into the car to head off on a holiday. We heard this crash, and up gallops Dan looking all smiley and happy. Meanwhile, our front window is totally in pieces while this dog doesn't have a scratch on him. So, we had to cancel the holiday so we could get the window fixed.

2) After chasing a cat down our hallway and into the living room, he jumps up onto the couch but the sneaky cat has done a u-turn and is now behind Dan. Dan also tries to do a u-turn, but his giant fat ass loses control of itself and smashes through the bay window behind our couch. So basically, he broke a window with his ass and then ran off smiling.

3) After being dressed up in a stripey red and white t-shirt (supplied by my sister), and accompanied by his friend, our other dog Crank, who I had decorated in a more plain grey t-shirt, the two dogs ran outside and out our gate. Moments later, we hear a crash on the road outside. Terrified, my sister and I run outside expecting the worst as Dan and Crank come running back inside with their tails between their legs. A truck driver had crashed into a tree next to the road outside our house. Had he seen the tarted up dogs and been so confused that he lost control of his vehicle? Or was it simple driver error? I guess we'll never know because, I shit you not, after waking up from the bump on his head that he recieved, he couldn't remember anything from just before the crash........
I guess this was more stupid person error, cause we're the ones who dressed the dogs up. But I have a feeling that if Dan wasn't involved, everything would have gone smoothly.

4) He broke two of my mother's toes simply by standing on her foot. Yeah, he was pretty big.

Now, with all these examples i've just given you, you might think that I didn't like Dan. But, far from it. I adored Dan. He was so wonderfully stupid, and floppy and fun to show off to my friends. But I was the only member of the family, well apart from my sister maybe, who loved him. My parents were understandably sick and tired of his shenanigans. So in the end, they gave him to a friend couple who owned a farm. The perfect place for Dan really. All that wide open space for him to lollop around in, with hopefully fewer precariously placed windows for his flaming ass of terror to destroy.
This is where Dan lived out the rest of his days. Frollicking happilly, until he died a couple of years ago from general old age problems.

I'll never forget you Dan. You were my giant dog friend, who was never fully appreciated in his time. Hooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwlllllllllllllllllll!!!!!!

- Pete
,