Pessimists will rule the world!

Do you remember a couple years ago when medical scientific studies determined
that a negative outlook on life is directly related to your life expectancy?
That somehow, pessimists don't live as long as optimists? Is there anyone
out there who buys this?

I've devoted my life to the practices of pessimism . . . I've actually formed
an entire philosophy around it. The Theory of Black~Adderism, I call it.
But anyway, how do you think that Dr. Scienceguy came up with this
conclusion? Did they go into these old wrinkly people for an autopsy and
find out that Mr. Cranky died of pessimism?

Just imagine, a guy standing over this old man, one hand holding a scalpel,
the other hand probing around the inside of this man's abdomen. He looks up,
and says into his tape recorder: "Eureka!! Another pessimism related
fatality!"

Um . . . I somehow doubt it. But anyway, my theory is, the greeting card
people fabricated all this scientific evidence. Who else could benefit more
than Hallmark? You tell the masses that depressed people are going to start
dropping like ants in a cloud of Black Flag, so the depressed peoples' loved
ones rush out and send them cards with sunglass wearing dogs on the front
saying funny things. This is why Hallmark needs to be declared a monopoly
and split up. Where's the Supreme Freaking Court when you need it?

You want to know the real reason why happy people seem to live so much longer
than not so happy people? Well, I'm here to help you out. Are you ready?

PESSIMISTS KNOW WHAT'S COMING. Did Mr. Scienceguy ever think that maybe we
don't want those last ten or so years? Because those really aren't the
greatest years of your life, are they. Those are the nursing home years.
The cathiter years. The can't get an end up if your life depended on it
years. But you see, the optimists can't see what they're in for. They think
that they are all gonna live to the ripe, healthy age of a hundred and seven.
They don't realize that the bladder ceases to function at ninety-two. And
by ninety-three, your body has been so overtaken by liver spots that you have
to wear a wetsuit in the bath just to keep from accidently looking at
yourself and vomiting.

But the pessimists? They we see everything through a screen of doom. We
know precisely what old age will bring upon us. That's why so many of us
become rock stars, so we can die nice and young while we still look good.
That's the route I plan to take.

But anyway, I hope I haven't offended any of you hopelessly unrealistic
optimists. But I am a reality monger, he who secretes truth from every
orafice. Just trying to shine the light of glorious, glorious darkness on
your little lives. Believe me, you'll thank me when your up in Heaven
staring down at your happy friends lying in bed in their own filth, because
their bladders don't work anymore.