Bill the Cat Ritual
COurtesy of Walking Stick , for complaints ;-)The Initiation Ritual Into the Mystery Cult of Bill the Cat 

by Lady Orenda and Lady Nightwind 
Circle Setup 

Bill the Cat altar in the center of the circle or near fire pit. 
At the west place a partially full bottle or can of beer (the 
worst you can find, enough to anoint your initiates). 
At the north place an ashtray filled with sand. 
Near the altar place a spittoon (optional). 
Altar Setup 

Bill the Cat icon, statue or image 
Cigarettes and lighter 
Lit candles 
Several unopened bottles or cans of beer, Mountain Dew, Jolt 
Cola, Pepsi Free, or purple flavorored anything, or diet 
Chocolate fudge soda 
Mayonnaise mixed with tuna juice or peanut butter (optional) 
Brazier with charcoal 
Catnip (for incense) 
Plate of Goldfish Crackers in cat food bowl 
Kitty Litter or Pet Fresh Carpet Deodorizer 
Announcement by the HP: Folks, this is a ritual which is 
offensive. If you are easily offended, then leave now. If you are 
certain that you will be offended by it then you really need this 
ritual. If, however, at the end of the ritual you aren't 
sufficiently offended, come up and see 
me and I'll offend you personally. 

Gather coveners together and teach them this chant: 
Ack, Ack, Ack, Plbb, Plbb, Plbb. 

Repeat as a group until you get tired of it.

Put a pinch of incense on the charcoal. 

Cast Circle

The HP takes a can of Pet Fresh Carpet Deodorizer, and walk 
around the perimeter of the circle spaying Pet Fresh. If outside, 
throw kitty litter. 

HP: "We are gathered in a sandbox that is not a sandbox." 

Repeat as necessary. 

Call The Quarters

The HPS takes the cigarettes and lighter from altar and walks to 
the south. Light cigarette, wave cigarette at the sound, and 
intone: "Hi!" 

Cross from south to east. Take deep puff from cigarette and blow 
smoke out ostentatiously. Wave cigarette at east and intone: 
"Hi!" 

Cross from east to west. Pour beer on cigarette. Wave cigarette 
at west and intone: "Hi!" 

Cross from west to north and stub cigarette in ashtray. Wave 
cigarette at north and intone: "Hi!" 

Invoke Bill the Cat

The HPS stands before Bill the Cat icon and holds hands out in 
invoking manner.

"I invoke you and call upon you, O Might Ruler of Degeneracy, 
Bringer of Fun and Good Times! I invoke thee by Pun and Limerick, 
Cartoon and Quip, by Herb and Brew and All Other Manner of 
Consciousness-Changing Substances, to Descend into this Figure of 
This thy Servant and Priest: 
Hallucinate with His Eyes - Lick with His Tongue, Ingest with His 
Mouth - Grope with His Paws so that thy Servants may be 
Fulfilled." 

Pour some beer or other noxious substance over Bill's head as an 
anointing (if indoors, and you object to kitty litter and beer 
being poured all over your carpets, use Pet Fresh instead of 
litter and put the beer in a bowl into which you dip your fingers 
and lightly sprinkle the icon or petitioners). Walk to the center 
of the circle, raise arms, and 
call: "Here kitty, kitty, kitty!" 

Repeat as needed. 

Statement of Purpose

HP: "We are here to night to initiate new friends into the 
worship of Bill the Cat. Let the good times roll! Petitioners, 
Step forward." Wait for them to do so.

HP: "Is it your will to join the Cult of Bill the Cat?" 

Petitioners assent Yeah, Sure, why Not?, ..., What?, etc. 

Oath Taking

HP: "I, (state your name), of my won free will and accord, do 
hereby swear to honor the discordian deity, Bill the Cat, Lord of 
Humor, Perversity and Disgusting Noises. I promise to go for the 
Cheap Jokes, indulge in Excessive Behavior and always maintain my 
sense of the Ridiculous. I wear never to take my religion so 
seriously that I forget to laugh and in token thereof do I give 
fourth of my bodily fluids." 

Spit into fire or spittoon.

Anoint and Cleanse Initiates 

HP takes beer or soda from altar and anoints forehead of each 
initiate with the cough of "Ack." Mayo mixed with tuna juice, or 
peanut butter, may be substituted for those with a kinkier 
mindset. Replace anointing fluid on altar. HPS censes each 
initiate with catnip incense. 

Charge of Bill the Cat 

HP: "Hear now the charge of Bill the Cat! Whenever you have Needs, once in a while and better it be when your mouth is full, 
then shall you spew forth in some public house or private place 
or anywhere that persons may be gathered, and adore me, Bill the 
Cat, prince of all vulgarity. You who would fain indulge in lewd 
or disgusting acts but have not yet reached true depravity, these 
will I teach true excess and the art of making rude bodily 
noises, for I am come to tell you if it lookith gross and/or 
feelith good, if others need to turn away in embarrassment or 
disgust, if it causeth others to burst forth in uncontrolled 
laughter, and if none be truly harmed, then have you stumbled 
into true oneness with the great spirit of Bill: and as a sign 
that you are truly free, you should be naked in your rites for 
then shall there shall be no fumbling with clothing in your 
drunken quest for the naughty bits. And spread humor, good will 
and anything else that needs spreading. All in my name, crying: 
Ack! Ack! Ack! Plbb! Plbb! Plbb! Hail Bill!" 

Libations and Toasting 

HPS burns a pinch of incense and opens beer. Takes a swig of beer 
and spits into the fire (or altar or spittoon). Passes beer to 
the initiate/covener on the left who repeats the process. After 
everyone has toasted Bill, beer is poured over his head and the 
bottle or can is replaced on the altar. Pass the cat dish of 
Goldfish shaped crackers. 

Inner Mystery

HP: "Hear now the inner mystery of Bill the Cat as told to us by 
Orenda, co-founding High Priestess of Bill the Cat: 

Why do you wrap hamsters in electrical tape? 
So they don't explode when you f### them!" 
CONCLUSION 

HPS: "Initiates, you are now full empowered priests and 
priestesses of Bill the Cat, entitled to set up your own shrines 
and to initiate others. Go forth and spread the word (and 
anything else that needs spreading). Bill the Cat: he's hot, he's 
Hip and he's hairy. Hail Bill!" 

All: "Ack! Ack! Ack! Plbb! Plbb! Plbb!" 

Closing

HPS: "Thanks, Bill. Y'all come on back now, hear?" 

HP walks to the west and waves, intoning: "Bye-bye!" 

Repeats to east, then south, then north, or in any random order. 
HP: "Th-th-that's all, folks! It's Miller time!"