Short history of medicine:

have an earache.

0 B.C. - Here, eat this root.................................
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer...............
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.....
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill........
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic......
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

Heaven Vs. Hell

In Heaven:
the cooks are French,
the policemen are English,
the mechanics are German,
the lovers are Italian
and the bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:
the cooks are English,
the policemen are German,
the mechanics are French,
the lovers are Swiss
and the bankers are Italian

A Horoscope For The Workplace

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...

ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT

MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.

What They Say, and What They Mean

Dictionary of Business and Commercial Terms
(What's Said and What It Means)

"A number of different approaches are being tried."
( We are still grasping at straws.)

"Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured."
(We are so far behind schedule the customer should be happy just to get it delivered.)

"Test results were extremely gratifying."
(We were so surprised that the stupid thing worked.)

"The entire concept will have to be abandoned."
(The only person who understood the thing, quit.)

"We'll look into it."
(Forget it! We have enough problems for now.)

"Please read and initial."
(Let's spread the responsibility around for the mistakes.)

"All new!"
(Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.)

"Rugged."
(Too heavy to lift!)

"Lightweight."
(Lighter than rugged.)

"Years of development."
(One finally worked.)

"Energy saving."
(When the power switch is off.)

"Low maintenance."
(Impossible to fix if broken.)

Locked Out

A bloke is sitting by his car at the side of the road looking unhappy.

A passer-by sees his glum face and asks what the problem is.

"I've locked myself out of my car" replies the man.

"That's not a problem" replied the passer-by, "Step out of the way,and let me try rubbing my bum on the door".

The motorist is a bit perplexed, but reckons there's no harm in letting the man try - it might be worth a laugh.

The passer-by turns his bum to the car and slowly rubs it up and down the driver's door.

Suddenly, the lock opens and the passer-by turns and opens the car door.

"That's amazing!" says the motorist, "How did you do it?"

"It's easy" replies the pedestrian

"I'm wearing khaki trousers."

A new monk arrives at the monastery.
He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however , that they are copying from copies not the original manuscriipts.
So the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this.He points out that if there were an error in the frist copy that error would be continued in all the other copies.
The head monk says We have been copying from copies for centuries but you make a good point my son.
So the old monk goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours go by and nobody sees him. Soon one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him.
Hearing sobbing coming from the back of the cellar he finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.He asks the old monk whats wrong and in a choked voice came the reply... The word is celebrate.