RULES WHEN VISITING KANSAS

These will be handed to each person as they enter the state.

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you'll do all week at the gym.
How'd you like to go home & tell your momma you got your ass kicked by a big guy in bib overalls?

2. It's called a 'gravel road'. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way!

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were 9 years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it!

4. Any references to 'corn fed' when talking about our women will get your ass kicked... by our women!

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for... bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That's right, whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport.

9. The Jayhawks & the Wildcats are as important here as the Lakers & the Knicks... and a damn sight more fun to watch.

10. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak & order it rare; or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

11. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with 2 packets of sugar and a long spoon.

12. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice!

13. So you have a 60 thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use 2 weeks a year.

14. Let's get this straight, we have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. Hell, we may even stop when it's yellow.

15. Our women hunt, fish, & drive trucks because they want to. So, if you're a feminist... whopdee shit!

16. Yeah we eat catfish, carp, and even turtle. If you really want sushi & caviar, it's available at the bait shop.

17. They are pigs... and that's what pigs smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 70 goes two ways & I-35 goes the other two. Pick one.

18. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of pheasant season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. You can get breakfast at the church.

19. So every one in each pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

20. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't land in the water hazards, it spooks the fish.

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