10. Ability to invoke fear with minor changes of position/facial statement

9. Really wicked breath

8. Enjoy toying with mortals

7. They are constantly offered gifts in order to appease their wrath

6. Ability to gain total control over the humans in its territory

5. Claws that can decimate the toughest armor (and upholstery)

4. Affinity for high perches from which it can survey all that it controls

3. The size of its ego is consistent with that of its evolutionary forebears

2. Habit of playing with food

1. Ability to monitor its territory while seemingly asleep

The Cats Prayer
- Author Unknown
Contributed by LilithsCat

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back,
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I'll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule
To NEVER tell a human that
The world is really ruled by CATS!

Breeding Shows Through
Contributed by Jax

A fundamentalist preacher was taking a walk one day and happened upon a young girl who was playing with something in a cardboard box. When he got closer he could see that in the box was a litter of new-born kittens.

"What kind of kittens are those?" asked the preacher.

"Why, they're Christian kittens," replied the little girl.

The preacher walked on, pleased to see that the little girl had Jesus foremost in her heart.

A week later, the preacher was walking down the same street and saw the little girl again playing with the kittens.

"And how are your little Christian kittens doing today?" asked the man of God.

"Oh, they aren't Christian kittens, they're Pagan kittens," replied the girl.

"But..but.. I thought you said last week that they were Christian kittens," sputtered the flabbergasted preacher.

"Oh, they were. But now their eyes are open."

Things Cat's Should Remember
*or*
Lessons to Teach Your Favorite Familiar
Contributed by LilithsCat

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry

The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing right after my human has finished watching "The X-Files"

Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys.

If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.

My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.

The canned cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.

I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.

I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.

It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee.

The goldfish likes living in water and must be allowed to remain in its bowl.

If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.

The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it.

I am a neutered cat, not a peacock, and prancing around with my tail fluffed up will not make my balls grow back.

If I must give a present to my humans's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.

Just because I hear voices in my head, I do not have to answer them!

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