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The darkness follows me, dips into my footprints Sniffing to assure itself the quarry be still in its sight The fear cloaks my soul, forces me on relentlessly I dare not look back, lest the darkness has gained on me. Who did I think I fooled? That if I stepped into the light and bared my breast for the world to see That the demons of darkness could find me nevermore? Then more the fool be I. The absurdity to think that I could walk the light with arrogance holding my head up high and face the world And be accepted for the me I know myself to be Boxes, little boxes on the hillside The word echoes through my mind like a curse Why can I not conform? Fit into my lovingly prepared little box The whispers from my childhood still wrap their choking tendrils round my bones Look at her sisters… the pretty one…. The lady Why can she not be like them too? The frowns, the lips so disapproving stiff She is looking for attention yet again For to their blinkered eyes and tightly frozen minds Surely no other reason could there be That I have brazenly chosen to be That cursed thing, spat with venom oft and loud Different… Letters of the alphabet, strung together to form a litany of pain Different… When will I ever learn… when will I stop beating myself to a bloody pulp Seeking, nay begging for the approval of a mother true Who in her own little safe cocoon has hidden her entire life Who never, not in this life nor in an eternity in hell Can ever fathom who I am But sees only what she wants to see - That which would not disturb her false serenity The anger - deep, roiling and bitterly dark Ooze over my very being with a cloying stench Boiling and choking my mind until naught but hate exists And the primordial scream from my very soul erupts I hear the scream, the words at first making no sense at all Until I focus on their hag faces, frozen as in death Enough…. No more….. enough It ends here - it ends now A lifetime of anger, hate and frustration Enough… no more… enough I love you Mother … I hate you so I am me… I know who I am I can and will no longer let you hurt me so You are weak, so very weak where strength should be I love you mother but I pity you more You have no idea of the love I have to give If but once you cared for me more than what the neighbours say If but once you stood tall and strong and faced the world at my side And could declare - I do not care, I love her for who she is But when I look at you and see the blind and uncomprehending stare I finally have to admit it is a dream alone Never will you say those words to me No matter what I do or say, no matter how I live a lie and beg In your eyes I have been measured and found wanting For I am cursed in your eyes… for different is what I be. What is left, but shards of a shattered life Pipe dreams of a child that never was Where do I go from here on forth Do I keep on living a lie Or do I stand alone and proud And declare to the world out loud… I am me… I know my worth One final time my tears I will allow And let my soul mourn for what can never be For from this day on till I die I will stand tall and lift my head up high No mater how hard and steep my path I will walk on proud and face you all For unique is what I am that's true So do your damnedest I will not care Never again will I bow my head in shame And I will face every one of you with pride I like the me I am… for I am different… I am me. Naomi Pollock 06 May 2002 |
