Untitled...Like my Life?
     
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The darkness follows me, dips into my footprints
Sniffing to assure itself the quarry be still in its sight
The fear cloaks my soul, forces me on relentlessly
I dare not look back, lest the darkness has gained on me.

Who did I think I fooled?
That if I stepped into the light and bared my breast for the world to see
That the demons of darkness could find me nevermore?
Then more the fool be I.

The absurdity to think that I could walk the light with arrogance
holding my head up high
and face the world
And be accepted for the me I know myself to be

Boxes, little boxes on the hillside
The word echoes through my mind like a curse
Why can I not conform? Fit into my lovingly prepared little box

The whispers from my childhood still wrap their choking tendrils round my bones
Look at her sisters… the pretty one…. The lady
Why can she not be like them too?
The frowns, the lips so disapproving stiff
She is looking for attention yet again

For to their blinkered eyes and tightly frozen minds
Surely no other reason could there be
That I have brazenly chosen to be
That cursed thing, spat with venom oft and loud
Different…
Letters of the alphabet, strung together to form a litany of pain
Different…

When will I ever learn… when will I stop beating myself to a bloody pulp
Seeking, nay begging for the approval of a mother true
Who in her own little safe cocoon has hidden her entire life
Who never, not in this life nor in an eternity in hell
Can ever fathom who I am
But sees only what she wants to see -
That which would not disturb her false serenity

The anger - deep, roiling and bitterly dark
Ooze over my very being with a cloying stench
Boiling and choking my mind until naught but hate exists
And the primordial scream from my very soul erupts
I hear the scream, the words at first making no sense at all
Until I focus on their hag faces, frozen as in death
Enough…. No more….. enough
It ends here - it ends now
A lifetime of anger, hate and frustration
Enough… no more… enough
I love you Mother … I hate you so
I am me… I know who I am
I can and will no longer let you hurt me so
You are weak, so very weak where strength should be
I love you mother but I pity you more
You have no idea of the love I have to give
If but once you cared for me more than what the neighbours say
If but once you stood tall and strong and faced the world at my side
And could declare - I do not care, I love her for who she is

But when I look at you and see the blind and uncomprehending stare
I finally have to admit it is a dream alone
Never will you say those words to me
No matter what I do or say, no matter how I live a lie and beg
In your eyes I have been measured and found wanting
For I am cursed in your eyes… for different is what I be.

What is left, but shards of a shattered life
Pipe dreams of a child that never was
Where do I go from here on forth
Do I keep on living a lie
Or do I stand alone and proud
And declare to the world out loud…
I am me… I know my worth

One final time my tears I will allow
And let my soul mourn for what can never be
For from this day on till I die
I will stand tall and lift my head up high
No mater how hard and steep my path
I will walk on proud and face you all
For unique is what I am that's true
So do your damnedest I will not care
Never again will I bow my head in shame
And I will face every one of you with pride
I like the me I am… for I am different… I am me.


Naomi Pollock
06 May 2002